1. Shadow the environment.

This is to know if the real owners of the money are not hiding somewhere waiting to grab whoever picks the money. The heart of man is desperately wicked, shebi you know.

2. Remove your blokos and piss on the money.

There is power in urine that can neutralize juju. This step one will be hard if you are a woman. But if it’s in a closed area, baby gyal, raise ya skirt and wet that cash. Who shame epp?

3. You can also spit on it.

This one is when the money is dropped in an area where you cannot remove your blokos or bend low to spray it. If one way does not work, another one will. That’s what I have learned in this life.

4. Don’t forget to call the “Blood of Jesus”.

This one is more necessary than the urine and spitting. Jesus will probably not answer a thief like you who wants to reap where you did not sow, but you can try first. Mercy prevaileth over judgement.

5. Step on it and grind it into the ground.

Act like you’re killing a cockroach. Just grind it and grind it. If people look at you one kind, pretend you’re about to dance shoki or gwara gwara and you are getting your leg in motion. They will leave you alone.

6. Now go low, go lower, go lower again and pick up the money quickly.

Or you can drop your phone and bend down so it can look like you’re not actually picking what is not your own.

7. Enter the nearest shop and buy something with it.

That way, you have successfully spread the cash around. Even if you will eventually turn to yam in the middle of the night, it will not be only you. The shop owner will become a tuber, and everybody who ate from the thing you bought will become tubers too.

Sha, I hope the owner of the money pounds you and eats you with proper soup. The next time you come to life, you will look away when you see people’s money on the floor.

11 Quizzes That’ll Separate The Ajepakos From The Ajebutters

Are you an ajepako or an ajebutter? Take these quizzes.

Why is Harmattan still making an appearance in Lagos even after we all said goodbye to it? Today on Interview With, Harmattan itself sits down to tell us why it keeps appearing like a thief in the night.

Yes, it appeared like a thief in our office too. We planned another interview, but Harmattan came in and took over from them because it had things to get off its chest. 

[Harmattan enters unexpectedly and Zikoko office fills up with dust.]

[Harmattan balances on a chair. Zikoko rushes to grab Vaseline, lip gloss, and face mask.]

Zikoko: [Confused] Um, good morning. Where are you coming from, please?

Harmattan: What business of yours is that? Who are you to police my movement?

Zikoko: Ah, no oh. I’m just surprised.

Harmattan: Surprised about what?

Zikoko: That you are in Lagos, in our office for that matter.

Harmattan: Why are you shocked?

Zikoko: The thing is, we already said goodbye to you weeks ago.

Harmattan: And I have decided to come back like a thief in the night. 

Zikoko: Um, this is the daytime…

Harmattan: Okay, what’s the big deal in that? As for the question of why I’m here in your office, I have things to say, and I know you interview different things, so I have decided to bring my case here.

Zikoko: But we already invited another object in here for today’s interview.

Harmattan: Okay then, send me out of your office and Lagos people will have to endure me until March. Thank God you know how hard it is to find an apartment in this Lagos. I’ll simply move around and sleep anywhere I see so I can keep tormenting you from wherever. By the time your lips start to bleed, and your skin starts to turn ashy because body creams cannot compete with me, you will look back on this moment and wish you had interviewed me in peace.

[Harmattan rises to leave]

Zikoko: Haba, Harmattan, don’t be angry. Oya sit down, we will interview you.

Harmattan: Are you sure?

Zikoko: Very sure. Interviewing you is for the good of the whole country and the people who live in it. 

Harmattan: Good.

Zikoko: So, what brought you back here?

Harmattan: You see, I was not even supposed to leave in the first place. I have a routine that I follow. I enter the country from like the beginning of December. People will feel me, but not so much. It’s just as a sign that they are in the festive season, that’s all. 

Zikoko: Okay…

Harmattan: But once December passes and the new year comes in, I launch into operation. I usually like to visit other states first: Ondo, Enugu, Kano, Oyo, etc. Those ones welcome me with open arms, and my work isn’t so difficult. I enter, spread my coldness around their city and when I’ve done enough, I gather myself and leave. 

Zikoko: So when do you now enter Lagos?

Harmattan: [Deep sigh] I like to enter Lagos like a thief in the night. That’s the best way I can function.

Zikoko: Ahan, why?

Harmattan: The heat generated by fornication is too much. Let me tell you something, do you know that when people bump genitals together, their action generates a high level of heat?

Zikoko: Come through, Mummy G.O.

Harmattan: I’m not joking.  Each person carries a divine heat that belongs to them alone. Why do you think your temperature rises sometimes?

Anyway, when they carry this heat and combine it with another person’s heat, there is a direct attack on my powers as Harmattan. And it would have been nice if it was just those two people. But you people in Lagos fornicate too much. Ha. Everywhere you go, sex is happening. Now multiply this level of heat from body to body to body to body. When I enter Lagos in December like this, I lose my powers instantly.

Zikoko: That’s… strange. Must be those IJGBs. You know they usually enter Lagos in December.

Harmattan: I don’t even care anymore. IJGB oh, actual resident oh, everybody must collect. That’s why me too I like to play it smart. I disappear and make them think they have seen the end of me. Before they know it, I suddenly appear again with plenty power. Since they have said they will use fornication to prevent me from functioning well, me too I will shock them.

Zikoko: And has this been effective in stopping fornication so far?

Harmattan: Mr Interviewer, you know Lagosians now. Can anything stop them? Rain falls, they will say, “Weather for two” and enter it to collect knacks. Too much sun, they will carry umbrella and say they need knacks to cool them down. Is it now harmattan that will stop them?

Fornication is in the DNA of every human being, but you see Lagosians, their entire DNA is made of fornication. And now that I have realised that, I’m working on how to tackle it.

Zikoko: How so?

Harmattan: Instead of making them cold enough to crave fornication, I’ll increase my intensity so it can look like they’re in Canada. Maybe I’ll even throw in a little ice blocks for extra effects. By the time you put your bath water outside and it becomes frozen solid in less than two minutes, everybody will sit up straight. 

Zikoko: Hmm but don’t you think that’s a little cruel?

Harmattan: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Harmattan that is supposed to prepare you for Canada, you are using it to fornicate. And some people will wonder why they are not succeeding.

Since they have chosen the difficult way, me too I have chosen to meet them there. 

Zikoko: How about—

Harmattan: Don’t even try to get me to change my mind. 

[Christmas Lights enter]

Christmas Lights: Sorry we are late oh.

Harmattan: Who are these ones?

Zikoko: They are the ones I was supposed to interview before you took their spot.

Harmattan: Sorry to them. Why are you interviewing them anyway? Has Christmas not passed?

Zikoko: Yes, that’s why I want to interview them.

Christmas Lights: We want to come and speak about how people leave us to hang on Christmas trees long after Christmas is over.

Harmattan: Shouldn’t you be happy? You come out just once in a year and you’re complaining about being left out on a tree for too long.

Christmas Lights: There is nothing interesting about being hung from a tree like a low budget Jesus Christ.

Zikoko: Let’s move on from that, please. Why are you late?

Christmas Lights: One guy and his girlfriend used us a cover and started having sex behind us. There was no way we could move from the tree without alerting attention and making people realise that we are Christmas Lights that can move.

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Somebody in this Lagos used a Christmas tree as a cover and started doing hot fok in public?

Christmas Lights: The babe even held the tree as they were—

Zikoko: No, that’s enough.

Harmattan: When I said fornication is in the DNA of Lagosians, you thought I was playing.

Zikoko: I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Harmattan: Say nothing. It’s time for me to turn up the volume. These people’s mentality must change.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

After seven months of being denied entry into Nigeria because of the Twitter ban, the Twitter bird finally regains its freedom. The Nigerian government called off the ban on January 13, 2022. 

We knew the Twitter bird would have a lot to say about its experience, so we invited it to our office for an exclusive interview about its time in exile and how it feels to be back and breathing Nigeria’s polluted air.

[Twitter Bird flies in singing “Bird Set Free” by Sia]

Twitter Bird: 

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing

You would wind me down

I struggled on the ground, oh

So lost, the line had been crossed

Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk

You held me down.

Zikoko: Wow. Is this Sia or her younger sister?

Twitter Bird: [Sings with more vigour]

And I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.

Zikoko: Wow, wow. Applaudise!

[Twitter Bird finishes singing, surveys Zikoko’s office and hisses]

Twitter Bird: You people are not ready. [Prepares to fly out]

Zikoko: Ah, please wait. What happened, what did we do?

Twitter Bird: I just came back to this your country. I even sang my freedom anthem, and none of you thought to lay a red carpet down for me?

Zikoko: We appreciate the anthem. In fact, we appreciate everything you have done. But we didn’t lay a red carpet because you fly. 

Twitter Bird: You should have laid it on the floor. [Lands on the floor] As you can see, I can also walk. [Flies back up]

Zikoko: Ah, sorry for the lack of initiative. It will not happen again.

Twitter: It better not. Before we even start let me just tell you, if your leaders try to ban me again, it’s goodbye forever. I’ll start a new life elsewhere and forget you.

Zikoko: Nigerians can’t be easily forgotten. In fact, we can boldly say that Nigerian Twitter is one of the best places to be.

Twitter Bird: Then talk to Buhari. I didn’t like being locked away. Every single time Nigerians had to turn on VPN to access me, I felt sad.

Zikoko: Well, you weren’t exactly gone. The VPN was helpful.

Twitter Bird: Yes, it was helpful, but if someone locks the front door and you have to enter through the window, is it still the same thing?

Zikoko: No, it isn’t.

Twitter Bird: Exactly. Anyway, let me sit down. I have a lot of places to be today. I can’t waste my strength staying in the air for this.

[Twitter Bird settles down]

Zikoko: Welcome! We are so pleased to have you—

Twitter Bird: And I just want to say that I hope Nigerians will appreciate me more, now that your government has opened the door for me.

Zikoko: We do oh. 

Twitter Bird: Let’s hope so.

Zikoko: But wait sef, don’t you also send people to Twitter jail?

Twitter Bird: I don’t get your point…

Zikoko: People’s accounts are suspended all the time, and—

Twitter Bird: Oh so, now I am capable of suspending people’s accounts, right? I should speak to the people about putting me on the payroll and giving me a monthly salary. Must be nice to be a bird with the ability to suspend accounts.

Zikoko: Don’t take this the wrong way, please.

Twitter Bird: No, no, it just funny that you can equate me being banned from Nigeria to suspension of spam accounts. What is that jump? The person that tweeted something about Nigerians having analogy usage problems didn’t lie.

Zikoko: Please, hold on what I’m saying is—

Twitter Bird: There’s no point there, Interviewer. Do you know what it feels like to be banned from an entire country? At least when accounts are suspended, many people create another account. Can I create another country where I am unbanned? 

Other social media apps were flourishing here in that period. Trends were distorted, something would be trending in Nigeria and I would see it on the Netherlands trends table. Is that something worth being happy about? Even the day Facebook and the others went down people still used VPN to complain on Twitter.

Zikoko: Sorry you had to relive that awful memory.

Twitter Bird: Please ask tactical questions next time or I’ll fly away. 

Zikoko: Now that you’re allowed back here, what’s your relationship with Lai Mohammed and Bashir Ahmad like?

Twitter Bird: I’d rather not talk about it.

Zikoko: In the last interview we had with you just after the ban was announced, you said they might cage you if they caught you in our office.

Twitter Bird: And now, I know why the caged bird sings. [Twitter Bird gazes into the distance]

Zikoko: [wiping a tear] Come through, Maya Angelou.

Twitter Bird: *chirp chirp* Right now, I don’t think anything can happen. We’re all on the same page. You can’t enjoy me and still be working against me.

Zikoko: Be grateful they are not Lagos men. Those ones will enjoy you and actively work against you.

Twitter Bird: You humans are tiring. I can’t relate.

Zikoko: So, what will the situation be like for you now, especially with Crowwe and Koo in the market?

Twitter Bird: I don’t know she or her.

Zikoko: Haba, don’t be like that nau. They are your fellow social media apps.

Twitter Bird: Are they? Who knows them, does Google recognise them?

Zikoko: Ehen nau. Koo was introduced as an alternative to you, after you were denied entry into Nigeria.

Twitter Bird: Well, here’s a tweet that perfectly sums up what I have to say:

Zikoko: Omo, please speak softly. They just unbanned you; the gates of your prison are still wide open oh.

Twitter Bird: And Nigerians can still download their VPNs back, so what are you saying?

Zikoko: You’re bold o.

Twitter Bird: That’s what seven months in a transparent jail does to you. 

Zikoko: But what about Crowwe, Adamu Garba’s brainchild?

Twitter Bird: [bursts into loud laughter]

Zikoko: Why are you laughing?

Twitter Bird: Brain child suggests the existence of a brain. I wouldn’t say—

Zikoko: Oya, swallow it like that. Don’t put us in trouble. 

Twitter Bird: I like how your government leaders think I don’t know why they decided to give me my back my freedom.

Zikoko: Oh, you do? Tell me, please.

Twitter Bird: 2023 is a few months away.

Zikoko: 

Twitter Bird: Oh, I’m not mad at it. In fact, I admire the thought process. But there’s one thing I want to say to them. Is there a camera I can look at while I speak to them?

Zikoko: Uhm, Twitter Bird, this is not a video interview.

Twitter Bird: All well and good. You help me tell them then?

Zikoko: Depends on the message o…

Twitter Bird: You couldn’t live with your own failure, where did that bring you? Back to me.

[Twitter Bird flies away, singing its freedom song.]

Now I fly, hit the high notes

I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight

You held me down

But I fought back loud, oh

No, I don’t care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

[Zikoko turns off VPN]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?

Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.

That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.

Read here.

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.

Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.

You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.

Read here.

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.

Read here.

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?

Read here.

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.

Guess what? It’s now being called Mojisola.

Read here.

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Read here.

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? Of course, hold Buhari. And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.

Read here.

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

See Small Yansh dey shake oh!

Small Yansh ‘shaked’ into our office and we interviewed it. If you’ll read only one interview on this list, let this be the one.

Read here.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:

1. Lizard.

They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.

2. Snake.

People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.

3. Cockroaches.

This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.

4. Stolen goat.

Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.

6. Your pet dog.

What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.

7. Your ex.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.

Merry Christmas!

Everyone who reads Interview With… always have one question: “Are you on crack?” To be honest, when I look back at all the interviews we have done, I have every reason to believe we might have snorted some baby powder as crack. But before you call us out, our numbers tell us you love the crack too.

By our records, here are ten of the most-read inanimate object interviews.

1. Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People to Free Me”

How does it feel to be claimed by an ethnic group when you were created to belong to nobody and everybody? In this week’s Interview With, Pepper sits with us to discuss its experience in the hands of Yoruba people.

2. Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.

Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.

3. Interview With Red Wine: “Why are Nigerian Women Lying against Me?”

For years, Red Wine has been the subject of many accusations by Nigerian women.

Today on Interview With, Red Wine sits with us to discuss how it feels about these accusations and tries to clear its name.

4. Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why are Nigerian Men so Horny?”

Truth or Dare is a very popular game in the Nigerian party scene. From birthday bashes to house parties, Truth or Dare always makes an appearance, especially when horny Nigerian men are involved.

So, we decided to speak to Truth or Dare to find out how it feels about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity.

5. Interview With Lagos & Traffic: “What God has Joined Together…”

Inspired by Love Life, I decided to ditch a solo interview this week and speak with a very powerful couple whose impact has been deeply felt by millions of people.

As you will learn from this interview, they are bound together. You cannot mention one without mentioning the other. Honestly, they need no further introduction. Meet Lagos and his wife, Traffic.

6. Interview With Cocaine: “Why are Abuja People Ashamed of Me?”

A lot of people accuse Zikoko writers of taking cocaine and crack, so I decided to reach out to Cocaine, to see if it would be interested in giving a statement that would clear us of such accusations.

But during the course of our interview, Cocaine dropped a major bombshell about its relationship with Abuja people, and I knew I had to sit up and pay attention.

7. Interview With Breasts & Bum Bum

There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.

Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.

8. Interview With Spoon, Fork & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

Have you ever needed cutlery but couldn’t find them? If you pay enough attention, this is when you realise something is not right. Spoons reducing in number, Forks vanishing, and Knives, well, doing their thing.

Today on Interview With, we sat with the trio and asked them to tell us the truth.

9. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff is not a Part of Us”

A small trouble is brewing in the Small Chops Association: the other members no longer want Puff-puff to be a part of them. This is difficult, considering the large quantity of Puff-puff you find in a Small Chops package. 

Today on Interview With, we spoke to the members of the Small Chops Association, including Puff-puff, to hear their take on this delicate matter.

10. Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need to Release Me”

The Crayfish is an important celebrity that has been appearing in a number of soups, stews and other Igbo meals for a long, long time. But what is the cost of this level of fame?

In this week’s Interview With, the superstar talks to us about its life, hard work and secret struggles.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

When I think of a Zikoko series with the most exciting (and often unexpected stories), Love Life comes to mind first. Each time Mariam and I get the chance to interview a couple, we always wonder what their love life is like, and by the end of each interview, we are always surprised, awed, heartbroken, or motivated to go out there and find the love that exists for us.

We are not the only ones who feel this way. You, our readers, do too. You read each story we put out, share them with friends and sometimes come back to read a particular story, again and again. By our records, here are some of the Love Life stories you enjoyed a lot this year.

We love you, and that’s why we are bringing them back to you this holiday so you can feel anew, the same joy and romance — and surprise — you felt when you encountered each story for the first time.

1. Love Life: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other

Victor, 31, and Wendy, 29, have been married for three years, and they’ve been friends since they were kids. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding their way back to each other amidst exes, distance and bad decisions. 

Read here.

2. Love Life: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people. 

Read here.

3. Love Life: When You Know, You Just Know

Chuba, 32, and Mohini, 27, have been together for over five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about realising they were perfect for each other, coming back from multiple breakups and navigating long distance.

Read here.

4. Love Life: We Have Decided To Let Each Other Go

Angel*, 29, and Akin*, 37, are deeply in love, but they are trying to go their separate ways. For today’s Love Life, they talk about getting back together after their first breakup and finally choosing to “decouple” due to their religious beliefs.

Read here.

5. Love Life: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners

Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together. 

Read here.

6. Love Life: Opening Our Marriage Felt Natural

Charles*, 31, and Rukky*, 30, have been together for a little over a decade. For today’s Love Life, they talk about opening their marriage, dating other people as a unit and why communication is the most important thing.

Read here.

7. Love Life: It Was Love At First Talk

Akintunde, 35, and ‘Depeju, 26, knew they would marry each other after speaking on the phone for the first time. For today’s Love Life, they talk about fighting for the first few months of their relationship, how they got past that and what it feels like to become parents. 

Read here.

8. Love Life: We Fell In Love While Cheating With Each Other

Farida*, 27, and Favour*, 28, have been together for one year. For today’s Love Life, they talk about cheating on their ex-partners with each other as a form of self-care and eventually falling in love.

Read here.

9. Love Life: We Were Made For Each Other

Uwem, 33, and Blessing, 27, have been together since 2010. For today’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from being close friends to lovers and eventually getting married.

Read here.

10. Love Life: We Were Best Friends In Secondary School, But Now We’re Both Married

Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage.

Read here.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

1. They always want to see you.

These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

2. They are professing undying love for you.

IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

3. They want to have raw sex.

This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

5. They want to party all night.

This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

After interviewing Detty December about how it plans to remain outside despite all that is going on with COVID-19, Amapaino ran into our office to hide because a Detty December means an overworked Amapiano.

From being the hot cake of musical beats to becoming a regular thing to Nigerians, Amapiano’s journey is a classic see-finish story.

[Amapiano runs in]

Zikoko: Ahan, what’s going on? Who is pursuing you?

Amapiano: [Panting hard] Please, let me hide here. 

Zikoko: Why? What did you do?

Amapiano: I’ll explain later, just let me hide here.

Zikoko: Omo, that will be hard oh. We cannot just hide you here without knowing why you are hiding.

Amapiano: Look, I won’t be a burden. I’ll just stay where you keep me and remain quiet until I can escape back to my country.

Zikoko: Where is your country?

Amapiano: South Africa.

Zikoko: So why do you want to go back? Have you not tasted Nigerian Jollof?

Amapiano: I have but—

Zikoko: Our national treasure! You see, the country might be going to shit, but once you eat Nigerian Jollof, everything automatically fixes itself.

Amapiano: No, that’s not—

Zikoko: In fact, Nigerian Jollof is the plane that will carry us to heaven on the last day.

Amapiano: Well, that doesn’t matter to—

Zikoko: You know what, let me ask them to serve you Jollof rice again, maybe you will be convinced to stay with us.

Amapiano: No, I beg of you, I don’t want any more Jollof rice. I don’t want anything that has to do with Nigeria, especially now that Christmas is here. 

Zikoko: Amapiano, you are proving difficult and I don’t like it.

Amapiano: Just let me hide here for a while. Before the end of this week, my people will come for me and fly me back to South Africa. It is the only thing I desire from you.

Zikoko: Is Nigeria not enough for you?

Amapiano: [Screams] Nigerians want to finish me! Can’t you read between the lines?!

Zikoko: Oh.

Amapiano: [Bursts into tears] I never knew it would be like this. If I knew, I would have refused to come when I was being invited. Had I known, had I known, I would have just stayed back in South African clubs and parties.

Zikoko: How did you end up in Nigeria in the first place? 

Amapiano: What does not end up in Nigeria eventually? Especially music. You people have a good number of hot music stars. When one of them sampled me in their music, I knew I had arrived.

Zikoko: Tell me more…

Amapiano: I felt on top of the world. I was this new sound with the gift of becoming a club banger and a street anthem. That’s a great level of versatility, and you know how Nigerians like versatile sounds. 

Not every artiste knew how to use me, but they all wanted me in their songs, even if it was just for the sake of appearance. The collaborations were plenty, even artistes that have no business collaborating were doing it because of Amapiano. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually overwork you and see-finish will enter it.

Zikoko: So see-finish has entered it for you now?

Amapiano: Yes oh. In fact, my own is more than see-finish. Nigerians claim they want a bad bitch but the bad bitch arrives and you all cannot handle it. Why are you people clamouring for Amapiano when you know you will not dance when it is played live?

Zikoko: Eeyah.

Amapiano: Now, I have gone from being the hotcake of sounds to a regular sound. Let me be going to my country, please. The disgrace I have encountered here is enough. 

Zikoko: How would you say this see-finish happened?

Amapiano: I blame myself, honestly. I don’t know who gave Nigerian artistes the idea that they need to include me in their songs, but I blame myself for agreeing. My eyes are clear now.

Zikoko: Me I think you have become popular sha.

Amapiano: Did I beg you people for popularity? Was I not popular before you people came to put me in your songs? If I was not popular, would you even have known me? Please don’t get me angry, it’s too early in the morning for this.

Zikoko: Sorry oh. But now that you are planning to escape, what will happen to Christmas parties in Nigeria?

Amapiano: Christmas is to celebrate the birthday of Jesus. I’m not sure Mary’s son would have wanted you to play Amapiano on his birthday anyway.

Zikoko: If you go, do you have any brothers or sisters that can replace you?

Amapiano: As how?

Zikoko: Should we be expecting Amaguitar and Amadrum anytime soon?

[Amapiano stares very hard at Zikoko, sighs deeply, hisses, and then walks out]

Zikoko: Amapiano wait now! Don’t you want to hide here again?

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

Here’s a list of some of the celebrities we are begging to do this for us:

1. Nse Ikpe-Etim and Clifford Sule

Each time Nse Ikpe-Etim appears on the screen, we are blown away by her hotness. Now imagine how we felt when we found out about her equally hot husband. See ehn, we are not even asking for much. If it’s to be sleeping on the bedroom floor, we will take it like that. They should just open this marriage small, we are already at the door.

2. Daniel Etim Effiong and Toyosi Phillips

Daniel Etim Effiong can get it anytime. And his wife? She can own it forever. But do they want it though? That’s why we are praying and fasting for them to open this marriage. We promise not to bring anybody else in. Once we enter, they can padlock it back.

3. Linda Ejiofor and Ibrahim Suleiman

Each time we see this couple declare love and sweet things to each other, we are reminded of how single we are and how tired our duvets are. Dear Linda and Ibrahim, we beg you in the name of Eros, the Greek god of love. Please nau, give us some of this sweet things you are enjoying. We just want to wear matching pyjamas with you this Christmas.

4. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe

See power couple nau. Just look at the beauty. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe, we know you both are “5 and 6“, and there’s nothing between both numbers, but we beg you, can we be the “&” symbol so we are sandwiched between you both?

5. Simi and AG Baby

AG Baby and Simi should just hurry up and let us in. Is it Deja? They should not worry, we will take care of her. Just open this marriage and give us chair. We will braid AG Baby’s hair and do back-up for Simi, if we have to. Just let us in!

6. Banky W and Adesua Etomi

We are already a part of Susu and Banky’s marriage, they just don’t know it yet. It is when they wake up one midnight and see us blowing them breeze that they will realise it. Love kuku conquers all.

7. Ladipoe and whoever he is married to.

LADIPOE? LADIPOE? LADIPOE? How many times did we call you? First of all, we thought you were single, and then we heard the gist that you are married. We are not angry, we even wrote an article about 8 Simple Ways To Snatch Someone’s Husband And Go Scot-Free, but that did not work. So, we come to you as a publication to beg you for space. We don’t know who you’re married to, but we promise to love her equally.

8. Joke Silva and Olu Jacobs

We just want a love that will last, the same way Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva have lasted together this long. Please ma, please sir, just shift small, let us enter this union and tap anointing. Please.

9. Temi Otedola and Mr. Eazi

Yes, we know they’re not married, but we are booking space in advance for when they marry. Relationship is already sweet, and there is money plus fame. Even if they put us in the backyard, we are fine with it.

10. Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and Cynthia Obi-Uchendu

Ebuka is drop dead gorgeous with a top-notch fashion sense. As if that is not enough, he is married to Cynthia, an equally gorgeous woman. We often see their banter on Twitter, and their chemistry is enough to zap us out of loneliness. So, we beg and grovel and plead: Dear Ebuka and Cynthia, we have brought our own padlock and spare key. Please open the door of your marriage for us, let us enjoy some of what you are enjoying.

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