Chika (24) had a pretty sweet life and solid friends in Nigeria, so when his parents told him they had processed his visa to the UK, he rebelled against it, but later, he came around. In this Abroad Life episode, Chika talks about leaving for the UK a day after his NYSC and finding his footing in the country.

Where do you currently live, and when did you leave Nigeria?

I live in England, and I left Nigeria in October 2023, a day after my National Youth Service Corpe (NYSC) Passing Out Parade (POP)

How did you leave?

I left on a student visa; I’m here for my master’s.

Is there a reason you chose that route and the part of England you stay in?

There’s no particular reason. When I arrived, I stayed in London for a bit with my sister, but she got a job in this city, so I had to move with her. It wasn’t easy to manoeuvre school, but I did it because I had no choice. I had just arrived, and I had no job or money to get my own place.

I’m also not the kind of person to burden anyone, so I had to just stay with my sister and find my way to school. But I didn’t go every time I had lectures. Sometimes I did it the Nigerian way and asked someone to sign my attendance for me.

Was there a reason you moved immediately after your NYSC?

 Trust me, it wasn’t planned. I guess it was just God’s plan.

You must have been working towards it at some point. How did that happen?

My parents instigated it, and I was against it. I didn’t want to travel, so I rebelled against the idea. I was enjoying my time with my boys, doing drive-throughs and stuff. 

 Nigeria was really fun for me, and I was doing just fine.  There were already signs I was going to be retained at the company I worked at so I saw no reason to travel.

That said, I accepted my parent’s plans later on.  I felt like it was going to work if God wanted it to, so I gave it a shot.  People thought it was something I had been planning for a very long time, but the whole thing took about three months or so.

Can you walk me through the process?

My parents and my uncle had already started working on the process before I was in the loop.

I usually dropped my important documents like my NECO, WAEC, and testimonials with my dad. My uncle also works in my secondary school, so it was pretty easy to start the admission process without me. It was when they needed other documents (my transcript certificate) that they involved me. Like I said, I initially rebelled, but I ultimately gave them everything they needed. After that, all he told me was I needed to go for my interview, biometrics, and all that. Everything happened so fast. That’s how I knew God actually wanted it to happen, so I just gave in as much as I could.

Did your parents process the whole thing themselves because they already knew you wouldn’t want to leave?

Not really. I think my parents have always sought an easy way for their kids because they sort of foresaw the way Nigeria would turn out.

That’s really nice and thoughtful. So, did they pick your course of study?

My dad and I had tons of conversations about masters prior to this, so he already knew my choice.

That makes a lot of sense. So, how has life been since you got to the UK?

I can’t say it’s good. I can’t say it’s bad.

Oh, okay. Please tell me more.

It’s mostly because I was only able to make a friend about eight months after I moved here.

Ah, your first friend? 

Yeah. He’s Nigerian, and I connected with him through TikTok. But before then, I had already bumped into him twice on my way to work.

That’s very interesting. I’m curious about why it took you that long to make your first friend

All I do is go to school, come back home, shop for groceries, come back home, go to work, come back home, or go on a stroll and come back home.

So, have you tried expanding your community?

Not really. I feel like, another reason why I’ve found it hard doing that is because making new friends online is okay for me but I’m not really so keen on making new friends physically, because I feel like the devil I know is even better than the one I don’t. 

Once, I tried making friends with someone I met on the bus. We live ten minutes away from each other, but after we met like twice and I walked her home, we haven’t seen each other again. I mostly just talk to my friends online and make TikToks. That’s my life here, but I’m willing to expand.

Would you consider living in England lonely compared to the life you had in Nigeria? 

It’s not like it’s lonely. I’m normally a very social person, but I haven’t really been able to be that person here because of the things I’ve had to do. Also, I don’t just make friends with just anybody. I like creating strong and proper connections. And I actually have friends in the UK, only that they live so far away. My social life will definitely change once I’m done with my master’s.

How so though?

First, I’m going to move out of my sister’s house. When I stay on my own, my friends can come over, and I can go over to my friends. I can also explore other lifestyles, going into fashion content and modelling and stuff. I want to get serious with things I used to do in Nigeria that I just had to put on hold because of my master’s.

Let’s talk a bit more about you living with your sister. What is it like?

It’s just like living with family, which has always been normal and fun. It’s just like leaving home for home.

Would you say that living with your sibling limited your social freedom in a way?

Not really. In fact, I can actually say it was me who limited myself because they know I’m an adult who can decide things for myself. It’s not like they can stop me from going out if I want to. The least they can do is tell me to be careful and stay safe.

You said earlier that you didn’t want to leave Nigeria because you had fun with your boys. What was so special about that life?

It was the bond and the fact that we all shared the same life and interests. They were people I could relate to. We like the same things. I love cars, and they do, too. It’s so easy that we never planned our outings; they just happened.

One can’t have everything, but I had the things that I could. Having real and sincere friends is one of the best things in this life. Friendship is not something that is just so easy to get and I had mine for six years and over.

So, what is the most interesting part about living in the UK for you?

One of the good things about living in the UK is that your eyes will be opened to things that you didn’t know before. Another thing is that it exposes you to things that can actually help you make a more profitable life for yourself. I also like creating content on TikTok, and the UK makes that easier.

Have you witnessed any culture shocks since moving to the UK?

Quite a lot. There are many sexy cars here that aren’t in Nigeria. I’m sorry, the first time I’m talking about is a car, but I can’t help it.

The laws are also a culture shock, but they make sense because they keep us safe. In Nigeria many people are scared of walking in the night because of the risks, but you can literally walk in the UK at 1 am, or 2 am without fear. I think it depends on the city though but it’s generally safe.

The weather is another shocker, too. UK weather is bi-polar. I always say that I can’t be friends or even date someone who is as bipolar as the weather here.

Speaking of dating. I mean, if you took it this long to find a friend, I’m wondering if anything has happened to your dating life since you moved to the UK. 

I’ve not been in any relationship since I’ve been in the UK. My previous relationship became tough months before I left Nigeria, so we broke up. I think it’s also one of the reasons why I gave the UK a chance. I just wanted to get a breath of fresh air because I was mentally and emotionally messed up. It really affected me.

Do you mind telling me why it affected you enough to influence your move?

I had an emotional and mental breakdown. Everything around me revolved around her. She was a part of me already. My family knew already, too; we dated for about three years and were on our way to the fourth.

On a scale of one to 10, how happy would you say you are with your life in the UK?

I’m not sure, but I’ll say 8.5. It’s good, but things could be better. I had a breakdown a few months ago because of school stress. It’s not fully great, but it’s still really good.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

Before you read them: Hi, I’m Margaret (call me Mikun, please), and I’ve risked my mental health at least 100 times to bring these stories to you. I’ll be sharing my honest thoughts and never-heard-before details from each of these stories. 

1. “My Husband Ghosted Me. Now I Live With His Brother in the UK”

This story was loved by some and hated by others, but everybody agreed on one thing – it was interesting. I found it striking that Instagram folks were happy to help the subject of this story, while people on Elon’s app had countering reactions. Read the story to figure out where you stand. 

2. “My Aunt Brought Me to The U.S. and Tried to Marry Me Off” 

For many reasons, this is probably my favourite Abroad Life story of 2024. Ofonime, the subject of the story, has seen the worst side of humans, yet she’s determined to live as freely and happily as possible. Imagine leaving the love you have at home just to go and experience real-life horror in the diaspora. The interview felt like therapy and all I wanted to do was cry with her. Read the full story here.

3. “I Left a Comfortable Life in Nigeria to Share a Room with Seven People in the UK”

Typically, we expect people’s lives to automatically get better after relocating, but for Mariam, the subject of this story, it was the opposite. She went from living comfortably to enduring the worst accommodation arrangement in the UK. Mariam’s story forced me to ask myself how I would have handled such a big change. I didn’t figure out the answer, but you should read the full story to see how Mariam handled it

4. “I Became Poorer In Germany After T-Pain Became President”

This story is proof that anybody can be touched by this T-pain economy, even the people who japa’ed to avoid it. Akin’s story is more than his financial situation,; I personally think the guy won in life. This story made me appreciate real love and look within to figure out if I’d be as supportive as Akin’s partner if my partner and I ever find ourselves in the same situation. It is probably one of the most heartwarming stories of the year. 

5. “My Sudanese Partner’s Bride Price is $10,000. We Might Just Elope” 

I was having a bad day before I interviewed Daniel. Ten minutes into the interview, I was already having the best laugh of my life. Daniel is an interesting man who will probably need a GoFundMe campaign to marry the love of his life, but he’s not bothered. I don’t know what I find more amusing – his love for Ibadan or his girlfriend’s way of indulging him. After writing this story, I decided that I was going to visit Ibadan to see what Daniel loves so much about the town. When you read the full story, you’ll probably do the same. 

With that, the 2024 season of Abroad Life comes to an end. Next year, we’ll be back with more fascinating stories from the diaspora. 

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

The only thing Daniel (27) loves more than Ibadan is his South Sudanese girlfriend. But this love comes with a $10,000 bride price which is making him contemplate elopement. In this Abroad Life episode, Daniel talks about moving out of Nigeria and restarting his life in Australia to beat Nepo Baby allegations.

When did you first decide to move abroad?

I first considered it sometime in 2019, and I left Nigeria in October 2019. I currently live in Queensland, Australia.

Why Australia?

I chose Australia because there weren’t so many Nigerians there. When I checked the population of Nigerians in Australia at the time, they were around 15,000 or 20,000. I saw the figures, and I was like, “Yeah, this is my country.”  

There was no real reason for me to leave Nigeria because I was living a pretty comfortable life; I was the last child of the family, so money came from everywhere. But something just changed in me after a while, and I  told my dad that I  wanted to move to Australia to get a master’s degree. He was so surprised because it wasn’t something I often talked about.

You said you chose Australia because there weren’t many Nigerians there; why was that important to you?

I was just tired of Nigerians. I was craving something new and unfamiliar. I lived in Ibadan before I left Nigeria, and I loved how chill the city was, but I couldn’t shake the urge to chase a new life. I was tired of seeing Nigerian faces everywhere.

LMAO. What faces did you want to see?

It wasn’t really about the faces. The funniest thing is that the friends I’ve made since I moved are still Nigerians. It’s only my girlfriend, who is South Sudanese. 

So what was it about Nigerians living in Nigeria that made you move? 

It was the hustle mentality and the fact that people were so quick to discredit people who have it easier in life. I mentioned that I was very comfortable in Nigeria; People quickly dismissed my hard work because they thought my father’s money was responsible for all my achievements.

It just got tiring to hear people always talk about my father’s money with the intention of discrediting me. It was almost as if people wanted me to struggle for everything in life and got pissed at the fact that I didn’t necessarily have to. Here in Australia, people see my hard work, not my father’s money.

So you left Nigeria to find your own identity?

You can put it that way. I was trying to prove a point to myself and everyone.  The funniest thing is that we didn’t even have the money people thought we had. I went to a private university, and we lived in a nice house, but my monthly allowance in 2019 was ₦5000.

I also got an allowance from my siblings, but it wasn’t like I had a bag of money in my house. I just wanted to prove to people that I could make my own money and do my thing. To be fair, my dad is actually rich, but people are always too quick to assume that a rich father immediately translates to a rich son. My dad is very money-conscious and financially smart, so if it is not a need, he won’t pour his money into it.

You said you wanted to get a master’s degree in Australia. How did that go?

It went well. I finished in 2020. But during my first three months as a student, I wanted to return to Nigeria. I had no job then, so I still had to rely on my dad. He was paying my rent, but to get money for other things, I used to hike the rent fee and keep the extra change. Thankfully, I later got a job at a warehouse but balancing the new job and school was even harder, though things got better the next semester.

What changed?

I got used to how things work in Australia, and I made new friends. It was easier to make Nigerian friends in Australia because people see you as an individual, not your family’s money.

Another thing that made that semester easier was getting a new job. Then COVID-19 happened, and I ended up spending most of my university days indoors. We switched to online learning, and that felt like the best thing after sliced bread.

LOL. How?

I didn’t have to worry about waking up early to catch the bus. I could wake up at 8:50 am. to attend a 9 am class. I also got to save money, so I don’t hate the lockdown at all. The online classes lasted until I finished university.

So what has life looked like since you completed your master’s? 

Life has been great. I’m working in tech now, and that’s one of the things that I’ve always wanted to do. I have a girlfriend now, and she’s the love of my life. I also have great friends around me, but I’m not going to lie; sometimes I miss Nigeria. I don’t miss the people, but I miss Ibadan. One of my favourite things is watching YouTube videos of okada men riding their motorcycles around Ibadan. I miss my city so much; It’s obvious that they call me Mr Ibadan in my church here. 

Have you visited Ibadan since you left?

Nope. But I talk to my family on WhatsApp. If I miss my family, I can always pick up the phone and talk to them. For now, I have no real reason to visit Nigeria–My whole life is here but when I get married,  I want to go to Obudu cattle ranch for my honeymoon. I might even end up going to Ibadan.

Honeymoon in Ibadan? Please don’t kill me.

I’m being so serious. Ibadan is the best place in Nigeria.

What makes Ibadan so special to you?

The rustic view of the city and the sound of Okada—you can’t find that anywhere else. The serenity and peace you’ll find in the city is also unmatched. I’m a proud ambassador of Ibadan.

I’m screaming. Let’s talk about the South Sudanese woman who’s dating an Ibadan ambassador. How did that happen?

We met on Instagram. Around December 2021, I posted something about how I would be one of the people wearing matching PJs the following year, and she commented, “lol,” but we didn’t start exchanging DMs until February 2022, when she posted something about men mistreating good women and me as the defender of my gender, I  decided to do an explainer in her DM. That’s how we started talking, and we’ve been dating for over two years now.

Have you managed to change her mind about men?

Yes o. I’ve been representing Nigerian men well. If you ask her, she’d say the same thing. 

Is this your first non-Nigerian relationship?

I would say this is my first serious relationship in Australia. The other ones were just vibes.

What does “vibes” mean?

We were just lying to each other and passing time with mutual consent.  But this is serious; we know where it’s ending. 

Love that. What’s the most interesting thing about being in a non-Nigerian relationship?

I moved to Australia as an adult, but she’s been here since she was eight. The difference in how we were raised is quite obvious, so we’ve had to compromise on some things. For example, if I say something in pidgin or Yoruba, I have to explain what I’m saying to her. I’ve also had to adjust to her culture–One of the most interesting parts about her culture is the bride price. 

How so?

If she were getting married in South Sudan, I’d have had to buy about 80 cows. But since we’re in Australia, I would have to pay between $10,000 and $30,000. It depends on how much the bride has achieved in life. If she has a master’s degree, you’ll be asked to pay more.

Are you allowed to bargain?

Oh, you can bargain but they say if you value their daughter, you won’t try to lower the price. 

You seem to have accepted your fate.

Let’s just thank God for life. When that day comes, whatever I have, I’ll pay. As long as my girlfriend is happy, everybody else will be okay. The funniest part is that she won’t even get one dime from this bride price.

Have you started saving, or are you waiting till you propose?

I’m not saving. I will pay whatever I have. If they don’t give me my bride, we will elope together.

Ah!

Yes, please. When my sister got married, her bride price was ₦1,500.

It is well. Has she met your parents?

She has spoken to my mom, but I don’t want my dad to know now. I’m currently 27, but my dad still believes that I’m not old enough to have a girlfriend. Everybody else in my family knows her. I know he’s going to be shocked that I’m not marrying a Nigerian, but my mom has accepted her. 

How do you think your dad will react when he finds out that she’s South Sudanese?

He’ll probably want to know what happened to all the Nigerians in Australia. Whenever my friends are getting married, my dad always asks if their partners are Nigerians. He already knows that I’m a bit of a rebel, so he has no choice but to accept her.

I’m rooting for you guys

Thank you. I’ll send the GoFundMe link when it’s time.

For what?

To contribute towards the brideprice.

I’ll be praying for you. What’s your favourite thing about living in Australia?

If you’re not lazy, you’ll live a decent life. But my girlfriend is Australia’s best gift to me. 

Are you aware that this isn’t Love Life?

You should probably feature us on Love Life. But since this is Abroad Life, I’ll say my favourite things about Australia are the friends and community I have here.

So how did you find your community?

My best friend is a Nigerian, whom I met in university. The other friends I’ve made are from church—you’ll find lots of Nigerians in my church. My three closest friends are from university, and others are from church.

You can’t run away from Nigerians, I guess.

You really can’t.

Is there any plan to move back to Nigeria in the future?

Oh, 100%. I’m going to move back to Ibadan and become the chairman of one LGA. The long-term plan is to shuffle between Ibadan and Australia.

But is your girlfriend aware that you have plans to go back to Ibadan?

She’ll be shocked when I tell her, but I don’t want to tell her yet. She knows how much I love Ibadan. She even made me a hoodie with an Ibadan-inspired design.

Jesus, this is serious!

It is o. She’s actually open to relocating to Nigeria. From the conversations we’ve had, I’m pretty sure she’s open to it.  She has told me that she’s getting tired of living in Australia because she’s been here her whole life.

Love that for you. On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you with your abroad life?

7.5. I have a good life, an amazing girlfriend, good friends and YouTube videos of Ibadan. It’s only going to get better from here.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

Kaima (26) turned down advances from a creepy boss who made her life difficult and moved to the UK alone. In this week’s Abroad Life, she talks about how living in the UK has changed her approach towards religion and how she’s been navigating marriage in a new country.

When did you leave Nigeria, and where do you live now?

I left Nigeria in 2021 through the study route. I live in the UK now. 

Is there any particular reason why you left the country?

At that point in my life, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life in Nigeria. It felt like I was stuck following the same old pattern everybody followed–complete your NYSC, start looking for a job and pray that life gets better from there.

I also didn’t want to find myself in a position where I would finish my NYSC and start hoping that my Primary Place of Assignment (PPA) would retain me. The PPA in question had started to feel like a nightmare at the time too. I was working with one egoistical and creepy boss.  I just didn’t want to find myself in a position where I wouldn’t have any other option than to be at his mercy or the mercy of the job market so I decided I would explore and leave the country.

Plus, I really wanted to be independent because, at that point in time I was living with my auntie, and the living situation wasn’t the best. I guess I wanted to feel like a proper adult if that makes sense.

Do you mind telling me more about your boss?

He used to make weird advances at me. He would always ask me out or try to get me to go on dates with me, and it just felt a little inappropriate. 

The job had a weird arrangement, too– It wasn’t letting me put any of the skills I had to use. Plus, he had this weird ego trip that didn’t help matters either–. He used to send me on errands that had nothing to do with why I was working there. There were times when he sent me to go and buy stuff or put on the generator, and soon, It went from errands to petty rules that made no sense.

He wasn’t always in the office, so he made it compulsory to call him when I got to the office and before I left the office. Then he would say things like, “You’re no longer allowed to take any excuse.” I remember one time I went out for lunch, and when I say that I went out for lunch, I mean that I literally just went to buy food at the end of the street. He got to the office and found out that I had stepped out, and he started yelling. It was past 3 pm, and I hadn’t eaten all day, so I didn’t get where the outrage was coming from. He just kept yelling and talking about how I wanted him to show me his ugly side. That kind of behaviour among employers has become normalised in Nigeria, and I just couldn’t deal.

Apart from my boss’s misbehaviour, there was also the NYSC side of things, in the sense that everything just seemed like a power trip. Even something as simple as monthly clearance becomes a nightmare. You can show up at your local government with the hope of thumbprinting and end up not being able to do so because your local government instructor isn’t in a good mood or got mad because of some petty reason.

The decision to leave Nigeria was the result of all those experiences combined with my dissatisfaction with my work and personal life. 

So is life different in the UK?

Yes, completely different. For instance, your work relationship with your boss is healthier. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of good bosses and healthy workplaces in Nigeria, but here, things are more professional. You’re not at the mercy of your boss, and they treat you like a normal human being. 

That’s good to know. You mentioned that you left Nigeria as a student; how’s that going?

I’m done now. I graduated in 2022.

Congratulations. How has life been since then?

It’s been amazing.  I’ve figured out what I wanted to do and the field I wanted to go into. I’ve also been able to find all of the resources and all of the help I need to advance in my career at the tip of my fingers.

My life is much more interesting, and I feel at ease. Back home, when I was always stressed or worrying about one thing or the other, it reflected in the way I approached religion.  Now that I’m in the UK, how I  pray has changed. I’m no longer praying for the basic things of life. 

Can you tell me more about that?

Back in Nigeria, I was praying for things that nobody should have to pray for. On days I have to go for my monthly clearance, I’ll say, “God, please let my LGI thumbprint for me today without stressing me”. When I’m stepping out of my house, I’ll say, “God, please, don’t let me get into any accident; may evil not be my portion.” 

I’m not saying that being in the UK automatically means you’re safe from accidents, but I don’t really see the need to pray that way anymore. I also used to pray for money in Nigeria. Sometimes, I even prayed to God about wanting someone to send me as low as ₦10,000. Those were valid needs, but they haven’t featured in my prayer since I moved to the UK three years ago. This place just has a way of making life easier for you.

I’m curious though, how did your parents feel about you making that mature decision to leave everything you knew in Nigeria to move to the UK?

I was very intentional about moving to the UK alone. My family took the news well, and they supported me. My dad has never been a fan of japa, but he understood that it was a decision I was making for myself, and he supported me. Even some aunties and uncles supported me financially. The decision was also easier to make because my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, was in the UK.  He was very supportive too. I had a lot of support so that made moving alone less scary. But I would say that the first year after moving was not easy.

How so?

I was still paying off my school fees so there was a bit of financial stress. I was also in an entirely new country, and I didn’t know how many things worked. I didn’t have any friends, and I was an introvert.

 Back in Nigeria, I struggled to make friends, too, so I just used to wait until I met one nice extrovert to take me under their wings, but that was harder to find in the UK.  It also didn’t help that I was the only Nigerian in my class. I was actually the only black person in my class, so I felt like I was on my own.

At some point, I stopped focusing on not having friends and started channelling that energy into getting a job because I still had school fees to pay. Being a student, I was only allowed to work part-time but the job offers I was getting were full-time offers. They didn’t want to hire anybody part-time, so I found myself working in a retail store. As somebody who had never done a menial job,  I struggled.

I had to do a lot of heavy lifting, and I just couldn’t deal.  I remember my first night at the job, I actually started crying because I was not used to it. Everything just felt so heavy, but after a while, I got used to the whole thing so that became less of a problem.

But the fact that I didn’t have friends or my family around still made things hard for me. I became very depressed because of that, actually. The depression got worse during my first winter in the UK. The cold had a way of making me feel alienated from everything I had ever known but I think after the first year, especially after I graduated, I started enjoying my stay here in the UK.

What changed after graduation? 

After graduation, I started volunteering for proper jobs. I was also relieved of the stress of writing my thesis and doing menial jobs. So after graduation, I had more time to focus on getting a full-time job and learning to enjoy my own company. I also had more time to actively step outside of my shell and start making friends.

You mentioned that you got married. How did that happen?

I’ll have to give you a backstory.  He was actually the one that encouraged me to do my Masters outside the country. I’ve always wanted to study abroad, but I didn’t know how. I’m not from a rich family, and I wasn’t financially stable either, but he asked,  “Why don’t you just get your international passport?” So I did that, and then he was like, “Why not just write your English proficiency test?” I did that too. Later, he said, “Maybe you should start applying to schools” Then I decided to try; the entire application or relocation process was just me trying my luck.

 Before I knew it, I was already in the UK. He was also very financially supportive throughout the move. Then I moved here, and we continued dating, but we lived in different cities. After I graduated, we  moved in together and got married, 

Congratulations. I’m guessing that’s one of the good things that happened after graduation.

Yeah, it is. For the entire duration of the study,  he was my only friend. It was helpful to have someone because, on days when I was just overwhelmed, he was there to help me get back on track. 

Let’s talk a little bit more about married life. How’s that going?

 It’s been really good. One thing I’ve always wanted is to marry a Nigerian.  I don’t quite like change, so I love that my husband has a solid idea of who I am and where I’m from. I don’t want to spend all day at work speaking through my nose for my British colleagues to understand me and still not be able to speak freely with my husband. It’s also important for both of us to maintain our Nigerian roots. 

We’ve been talking about having children, and we want to make sure that they know who they are so they don’t end up having an identity crisis. We’re not parents yet, but I think it will be tricky trying to strike that balance between life in the UK, which is primarily what the children will know, and our Nigerian roots.

Now that you’re starting a family in the UK, is there any plan to move back to Nigeria in the future?

No, we are not considering that. Even before I got married, I knew I wanted to stay in the UK. That’s why I was intentional about getting a job before my student visa expired. 

Is there anything about the UK that still shocks you sometimes?

There are things that still surprise me about living here. People can be very nice, but they can also be passive-aggressive. In Nigeria, I’m used to people being straightforward, but here, sometimes, if someone is being passive, it might be for you to understand that they just don’t like you. Nigerians are more open and bold with their emotions.

But I’ve noticed good things too. For example, everybody opens the door for you. It’s those small social cues. I had to pick up too, when I moved. Even if someone is 100 meters away, you’re kind of expected to hold the door open for them.  It took a while for me to get the idea, but I’m getting used to it.

I think the hardest part is just having an identity crisis. . I miss being in Nigeria, where everybody around me is Nigerian. I never had to code switch, all of that.  I guess that’s why the friends I made in the UK are Nigerians.

I’ve travelled home a few times in the past couple of years; it just feels relaxing. I can relax and just be myself but in the UK, I always have to switch my accent when I go to work or anywhere else. When I get home after a long day of speaking like I foreigner, I always  feel the joy of removing a nonexistent wig

I’m glad you have friends now. How did you end up meeting them?

My friends are mostly spouses of my husband’s friends. I met them, and then I was introduced to some other people. I also met some friends in church.

I have friends in Nigeria, too, but distance has been a barrier.

How happy are living abroad on a scale of one to ten?

I would say 9.5 because I  miss my family.  But I love my life in the UK.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

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Mariam, the subject of this week’s Abroad Life, knew comfort,  financial safety and annual vacations in Nigeria but when she moved to the UK, life forced her to live in the worst condition she’d ever known. She talks about sharing a one-bedroom apartment with seven other people and struggling to continue her education in the UK.

Where do you live, and when did you leave Nigeria?

So I am based in the UK, and I left Nigeria two years ago.

When did leaving the country become an option for you?

It just happened. My parents decided that it was time to move. I was in my first year of university when they started making preparations, and they wanted us to leave as soon as possible because of me.

Oh, why?

They didn’t want me to continue my education in Nigeria. I was still a fresher, about to write my first semester exams, when they started making relocation plans; I was coming back from night class one day, and my mom called me, telling me that they’d booked my flight.

That’s interesting. How has life been since you moved?

It started out really rough. When we moved here, we expected jobs and accommodation because of the route my parents came in with, but none of that happened. Thankfully, we had family members that we could stay with.

We were a family of five staying with a family of three in a one-bedroom apartment. That was how stranded we were. That situation made me realise that moving abroad isn’t the flex people make it out to be. My parents had friends who had gone through the same route; those friends were offered rosy promises but suffered the same disappointing experience we did , and they didn’t tell anybody in Nigeria. They actually went through worse than we did because they didn’t have family members in the UK. They had to sleep in airports, but they didn’t tell us that was what they encountered coming here because they didn’t want people to know that they were suffering abroad, so they just suffered in silence and waited for the people who were coming to experience it themselves. 

What was it like living in that kind of condition?

It was easy at first. Most people try to be nice to visitors when they arrive, but we still had some misunderstandings.

There were times when my siblings and I would have to go hungry because we didn’t want to bother the family we were living with. My parents were always out looking for jobs, but we still couldn’t afford even snacks.

It was almost like we left a good life in Lagos to come and live in the worst conditions in the UK. I think we all regretted moving at that time. We still had people back home who had high expectations because we were abroad but the good thing is that if you’re suffering abroad, it’s not easy to tell because the system is kind of supportive. People can’t even tell that you’re suffering because you still look good in pictures.

Can you tell me more about what life looked like in Nigeria?

We were a middle-class family, and we were really comfortable. Our parents could provide for us, and we didn’t have to struggle compared to when we initially moved to the UK. We could afford whatever we wanted. We could even go on vacation abroad.

Do you know why your parents made the decision to leave Nigeria?

They didn’t really have reasons because they travelled a lot. They’ve been in and out of the country for recreation and holidays. I think my mom was the main driver behind that decision. She made the decision out of fear for the future of her kids. I’m her first child, so she had already planned my life for as long as possible.

My dad worked in a multinational company in Nigeria so he had friends whose children graduated and started struggling to get good jobs.  Even the ones that were relying on their parent’s connection to get good jobs still struggled. All my mom wanted to do was make sure I didn’t end up in that situation.

How is life now compared to when you first moved?

It has improved significantly. Things eventually fall in place when you have God by your side. We have our apartment now. 

We moved into the apartment at midnight, and I can still remember how we carried our boxes on our heads. We had to sleep on our clothes the first few weeks because it was an unfurnished apartment.  It was a tough situation to adjust to. 

Back in Nigeria, my parents were landlords, so it was a humbling experience watching them build their lives from scratch. It made me realise that things can change in a split second. Our quality of life has improved so much now. I literally quit my job last month because I can’t be bothered. That’s how comfortable we are now.

Are you back in school now?

My siblings were able to start their education in the UK easily, but, I couldn’t.

I was told that I had the option of going back to write my General Certificate of Secondary Education (GCSE) or write the Confirmation of Acceptance for Studies (CAS) exam because they didn’t recognise my secondary school leaving results.

If I had gone back to write GCSE, I would have been in the same class as my younger sibling. This was hard for me to process, not only because I would have been in the same class as my younger sibling, but I would also have had to go back to where I was academically about three years ago. 

Thankfully, I met someone who helped me get through that situation. Apparently, the school I was applying to didn’t recognise the results, but there were many other schools that had similar cases with immigrants. If I didn’t reach out to this man, God knows where I’d be academically. I later got into college after waiting for a year; I’m currently in my second year of college, and it’s been an amazing experience. I got a scholarship, I’ve made new friends, and I’ve been helping immigrants who are in the same academic situation

Would you say you now prefer life in the UK to your life in Nigeria?

I definitely prefer the systems and structures the UK has set up compared to Nigerian systems. I really love the UK education system because when you work, you see the results of what you do. Quality of life is also better here, but life here comes with some cons–you can get all the opportunities you want and still not be happy with yourself, whereas in Nigeria, you can be yourself, and people will accept you.

Moving here, I didn’t know the different layers of identity I’d have to pick up. I got here and realised that I was a black Muslim woman. You also have to be able to identify when people are being racist towards you. I’ve had some experiences I would rather not revisit.

So, in essence, the UK offers loads of opportunities, but Nigeria offers peace of mind, happiness, and connection with your family. My long-term goal is to build my life here and move back to Nigeria. That’s how bad it is.

On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you living abroad?

I’m grateful. That’s all I can say.

This episode was brought to you by LemFi.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

Akin (29), the subject of this week’s Abroad Life, earns in Naira and lives in Germany. This was a good idea until the naira lost most of its value. He talks about relocating to  Germany with his partner after the #EndSARS protest and how he can no longer afford to spoil her like he used to. 

When exactly did you leave Nigeria and where do you currently live?

My partner’s angel number is 1111, so we left the country together on November 11th and entered Germany on November 12th, 2021.

Interesting. How did you end up moving with your partner?

The Lekki tollgate massacre was a life-changing moment for us. We were big supporters of the #EndSARS cause, but after we saw what our peers went through, we both realised we didn’t want to raise kids in Nigeria. After the massacre, my partner started applying for jobs abroad. She first started with school applications and was able to get a master’s admission in Texas, but there was a limitation because I couldn’t work for a particular period of time–I would have only been allowed to work for 10 hours weekly. How was that going to help anybody? We didn’t take that opportunity, so some of our friends advised us to try out other routes. We took the advice, and she started applying for international roles. Thankfully, she got one in Germany. 

Are you married?

Not yet. In most countries, you must be married to relocate together, but in Germany, you have to share proof that you are in a committed relationship with the government.  We had to compile our pictures and put them into a slide to show that we’ve been together for a long time and will still be together when we move. We also had to get a document that proved that we were both single but dating. It was strange that we had to prove our relationship status, but they needed to know we were serious. They call it a registered partnership.

Would it have made any difference if you guys were married?

No, it wouldn’t have, but we would have needed to provide supporting documents like a marriage certificate. They are not against marriage; they just want to make sure that you are truly single if you claim to be. 

How has life been since you relocated with your partner?

It’s been different. We were comfortable in Nigeria until #EndSARS happened. At that point, we had been dating for two years, but we’re four years old now. I had a good job, and I was climbing up the corporate ladder. My partner is the smartest girl I know, so she was also excelling in her career– we were both balling. 

In Nigeria, we were between being extroverted and introverted, so you’d mostly find us indoors, working remotely for our companies, seeing movies together, or eating out in nice places. But since we got here, things have changed a bit– we’re either indoors for weeks or travelling around Europe. Now, the difference is that she transitioned into an international role when we moved, but I kept my job in Nigeria.

Oh, why?

I was earning close to ₦1 million before I left Nigeria in 2021 and the exchange rate was not that bad. When we moved newly to Germany, I could easily convert my Naira to euros and still be able to take my partner on trips to Paris, but the more T-Pain did his thing, the harder things got.

The company we work for is fully remote, so employees are in different parts of the world. We tried to convince the company to pay employees in USD or euros, but they didn’t give in. 

Now, when she travels down to Nigeria, I can afford to spoil her, but I cannot do much when we’re here.

Thankfully, we have a relationship built on trust. We have an arrangement that works for us— I handle the bills, and she handles bigger payments. Even though things have gotten tougher, there’s never been a time when she travelled to Nigeria, and I couldn’t spoil her. It’s why I tell my friends that I’m poor in Germany but rich in Nigeria.

What decision could help you live a better life in Germany?

That would be letting go of my job in Nigeria. I recently realised that there’s a big gap between what my Nigerian job pays and what I should be earning in Germany. Let’s assume that my annual salary in Nigeria is €7k. What I should earn in Germany doing the same job should be about €70k yearly. My partner currently earns about €5k monthly, and that’s close to what I could earn, too.

Can I ask why you’ve kept your Nigerian job for that long?

I’ve been asking myself the same question to be honest. When I joined the company. I was transitioning from marketing to a more technical role, and this company I currently work for was the first place I gained employment after my transition–the money was good, and I could still gain advanced technical experience so it made sense to keep the job. When we left, the plan was to get a supporting role but moving from Nigeria and getting a job in Germany can be very hard, so I kept the job to gain more years of experience in the new field I transitioned to. It didn’t feel like a bad decision because I also enjoy working at the company.

That makes sense. When you first moved, you mentioned you could still take your partner on trips. What changed?

The exchange rate, my sister. When my friends complain about things being hard in Nigeria, I always tell them it’s hitting me the hardest because I have to convert my wages from a weak currency to a stronger one. 

When I see freelancers earning in euros and converting to naira, I’m always happy for them. There was a time when I could convert ₦600,000 to €1000 but suddenly, that ₦600k could no longer be converted to €400. It made no sense. So I’ve gone from being able to take my partner on trips to only being able to pay bills.

How has she been able to adjust to the change?

She’s been very supportive and has encouraged me to get a job here. She reminds me that things will improve when I get the job and she’s right because at the moment, it feels like I’ve been holding on to Nigeria for too long, and I haven’t been able to settle into our new life.

If I get a job here, I can have a network of friends and even build professional relationships. More than ever, I’m focusing on getting a role that will make life easier for both of us, even if it’s not as fancy as my job title in Nigeria.

I hope that works out soon. How do you balance the time difference between Nigeria and Germany? 

I get very confused sometimes. It’s easier for those who have consistent time differences because they know how to fix their schedule; for me, it’s just very confusing. Sometimes, it’s a two-hour difference. Sometimes, it’s the same time. So I get confused when I need to set up meetings sometimes. But I’m lucky that I now understand Google Calendar a lot,  I have all time zones there. Whenever I’m setting a meeting, it shows me what time the invited guests are available.  I also have this thing on my mobile phone where both time zones are displayed. It helps me keep up with family and friends in Nigeria.

Let’s talk more about life in Germany. What’s the best part about living there?

Things work here. For example, it’s easy for you to rent because there’s a website with all the housing options. You scroll through the website, settle for where you want and virtually view the apartment. You send an email of interest and get a response within a reasonable timeframe. If you want, you can visit the apartment physically to review it; If you like what you see and you come to a price agreement that works, you should get a congratulatory email and be able to move in as soon as possible. There’s just a functional order that things follow here.

Thank you so much. Finally, on a scale of one to 10, how happy are you living abroad?

When I moved out, I would have said eight because things were easier then, but since T-pain got in, it’s been hard. I would be happier if I found a new role. So right now, it’s like a six or seven, because things are not going so well at the moment. But it takes just one yes for that number to change to nine.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).

This week’s Abroad Life tells the story of Bolu (23) who, after a sudden “miracle,” left Nigeria for New York in less than a week to start a new life. What she didn’t anticipate was that she’d have to live in fear of deportation three years after her big move. She talks about how Trump’s victory has become a source of anxiety for her as a black immigrant. 

Where do currently live, and when did you leave Nigeria?

So I live in New York now, Long Island, specifically. I left Nigeria in  2021

Was there a particular reason you decided to move abroad?

It was unexpected. I did not even know we were going to travel because everything happened in about four days. My mom just called me from school and said, “Bolu, we’re travelling this week.” I was so surprised. It felt like a miracle but it turns out that my dad had been working on bringing me, my mom, and my siblings to New York for a minute.

LOL. I thought people only moved to New York to chase Broadway dreams.

I know, right? But the only reason my dad chose New York was because his sister lives here. He’s been in New York for 12 years now, so it felt right to join him there. Though, I was a bit sad when we had to leave Nigeria.

Ah ahn. Why?

I was already in my second year of university in Nigeria, and I wanted to finish my undergraduate degree there, and then probably chase a master’s degree abroad.

I was also sad because I had a tough time making friends at university and only started meeting amazing people when the travelling thing worked out. I’ve been trying my best to maintain those relationships, but it’s been really hard especially because of the time difference –there are people who think that I stopped talking to them because I travelled and I don’t know how to explain to them that it’s not my fault. I don’t want to be calling people when they are already asleep.

The time difference wasn’t the only thing stopping me from keeping those relationships; I was also having a tough time adjusting to New York. Even though I wasn’t eating a lot, I was putting on so much weight. Some friends in Nigeria started asking me why I looked pregnant, so I had to cut them off from my life because their comments were getting to me. 

I’m sorry about that. Is there anything you like about living in New York?

To be clear, I don’t live in New York City. I live in the suburbs, which are the less noisy side of New York. But I like where I live; it’s not too crazy, and I like the serenity and diversity.

Do you miss anything about Nigeria?

I miss my friends and extended family. New York can be quite lonely, and If it were up to me, I wouldn’t want to be here, but I just have to make the most of the opportunity. People are not so nice here too. You can depend on people in Nigeria, but everyone is self-centred here. 

Another thing I don’t like about living in New York is that your life will be terrible without a car.  I don’t have a car yet, so I know how terrible figuring out the transportation system can be. I do everything I can to reduce the possibility of taking the bus, even if that means calling my aunt to help me. Don’t even get me started on the weather, they have extreme temperatures here. It’s either too hot or too cold.

Sounds like a lot. Maybe the transportation system is something your new president can fix.

Oh please, I feel sad that man won the elections. Some Nigerians are supporting him, and It’s very weird to me because I expect them to know better.  This man is just like Tinubu. Actually, he’s even worse, because his policies are terrible, especially for women. Once he resumes office, he’s going to ban abortions, regardless of the situation, and that includes incest or rape. Not to mention the fact that he’s a racist. I’m here legally as a permanent resident, but I’m still worried about what Trump being president means for me as an immigrant. He isn’t a fan of immigrants, and that makes me very anxious.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

Thank you. My aunty was telling me about the paroles that used to happen the last time he was in office. She said they used to deport Hispanic people without caring to ask whether they were in the country legally or illegally. If that’s true, I don’t know what would happen to me now that he’s president again. I’m going to start taking my green card everywhere I go in case Trump’s people stop me randomly to ask if I’m here legally. People who look like me can get deported easily if they don’t have any proof to show them that they’re here legally.

Aside from the fear of deportation, I’m also terrified as a black person because the cops might get more violent towards black people and all people of colour. I’m even more terrified about what this means for me as a woman; It’s been just a few days since Trump won the election, and there are already sexist videos from his supporters spreading around. You can already hear his male supporters saying things like “Your body, our choice”. 

That’s insane

There’s an abortion ban in Texas currently, and we see news of young girls dying. There’s a particular case where a girl died because the pregnancy was harmful to her body but since it wasn’t legally allowed to abort it,  she lost her life, and the baby died too.  This will be the reality of more women moving forward, and that’s why I’m happy this is his second and last term in office.

I’m guessing you’re more of a Kamala fan.

Oh yes. I know she announced her candidacy late, but her policies were not as bad as this other guy’s policies. If I could vote, I’d have voted for her

Let’s go back to less political stuff. Have you made new friends now?

Yeah, I’ve made a few friends. I work now, so I get to meet my age mates. So far, the number of friends I have isn’t that much, but I’m okay with that. It’s not about the quantity; I guess it’s about the quality. I also can’t complain because managing school and work is intense enough.

Do you have any plans to move back to Nigeria when you’re done schooling?

Oh, yes, I will. America is just an opportunity that I’m utilising. Once I’m comfortable, I’ll move back home by God’s grace.

On a scale of one to 10, how happy are you with your life abroad?

Okay, I’ll say seven because it could be better. I’m still grateful to God for the opportunity; It has had a lot of impact on my life, both positively and negatively but I think this is just what needs to happen at this stage of my life. It has forced me to grow up, and things are better now than when I first moved so I’m grateful. 

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

This week’s Abroad Life features a 25-year-old woman trying to navigate life in the UK after her husband disappeared on her. She shares what it’s been like living with her supportive brother-in-law without her parents’ knowledge and her ongoing struggle to make sense of her marital status.

When did you decide to leave Nigeria and where do you live now?

I wasn’t planning to leave Nigeria, but life happened. I live in the United Kingdom now.

What do you mean when you say life happened?

As I said, I didn’t plan to leave Nigeria, but in 2023, I met a guy on Facebook– He sent me a DM, and I could tell from his profile that he lived in the UK. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I wasn’t against the idea either, so we started talking every day. It was a normal talking stage, but I almost ended things before they even started.

What happened?

He told me he was 37, but I did my own digging and found out that he was actually 42. I wasn’t comfortable with the fact that he lied, but I called him out on it, and he apologised. 

How old were you at the time?

I was 24. His age wasn’t a dealbreaker for me because we connected on the same emotional and intellectual level. What I had a problem with initially was the fact that he lied so early in the talking stage. I took a break, but after a few days and several apologies from him, I cooled off, and we started talking again. He asked me to be his girlfriend in October, and I said yes. 

 Before you met him physically?

Yes.  Everything felt so right at the time. Sometimes, I’d even forget that he was in the UK because he was still a very present part of my life. I could be having a bad day, and he would send me a surprise gift. He prioritised regular communication, so we didn’t ever have any of those “why didn’t you pick my call?” arguments. Plus, I was in my final year of university, so it wasn’t like I had time to be in a physical relationship anyway. 

Okay, valid.

Yeah but to be fair, I don’t think I was doing a good job at schooling with or without a relationship. So I had three carryovers in my final year, and it became an automatic extra year for me. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents; it was even more embarrassing to tell my boyfriend because we had only been dating for about two months at the time. But one of my closest friends asked me to tell him so I did. He took the news well, and he offered a solution.

What was the solution?

He suggested that I join him in the UK. He has always been straightforward about wanting me to move in with him so that wasn’t the first time he brought it up, but that was the first time I considered it. I knew by then that either a failed course or an ASUU strike was going to make me spend more than one extra year in school.  

We talked about what our lives would look like in the UK and how he would support me if I decided to study there. It didn’t sound like a bad idea, so I agreed. After that conversation, he introduced me to his sister and told me he would visit Nigeria in December to meet my parents so things got more serious from there.  That December, he met my parents and sisters; I had already told them about him so nobody was surprised. He stayed the night, but we had a misunderstanding that night. 

Do you mind sharing what happened?

So I was practising abstinence at the time, and he wanted to get intimate. I told him I was waiting till marriage and we argued about it because it wasn’t really something that came up in our conversations before that day. The next day, he said he was fine with waiting till marriage. He also said there was no point in wasting time since our relationship was already getting pretty serious and we already met each other’s family and loved each other. 

He asked me to marry him that day, and I said yes. Since he was already around, he suggested getting married immediately, and my parents agreed. We ended up having our traditional marriage two days after the proposal and our court wedding the following month. 

Were you comfortable with how fast things were moving?

I was. He actually wanted us to do everything quickly so we could apply for my visa and move to the UK with him as a dependant. We started the application after our court wedding, but at some point, I was no longer sure if he still wanted to go through with the move.

Why not?

So we had another misunderstanding.  After we got married officially, we decided to find a mini flat to live in  together pending the time we can both move to the UK together. Before then, I was living with my parents, and he was staying in a hotel because neither of us planned for the wedding to happen when it did. 

We got the mini flat and had sex for the first time as a married couple. Apparently, he assumed that I was a virgin because I was waiting till marriage and felt betrayed when he realised that I wasn’t one. That was the first time I saw him as the 40-something-year-old man he was because who gets upset about virginity? I could have communicated better, but I had no idea that he thought I was a virgin. That was the last time we had sex too.

Oh

When the arguments started, some part of me thought he was joking because it didn’t make sense but he started giving me the cold shoulder, so I tried apologising even though I still wasn’t sure what I did wrong. I explained to him that abstinence was a personal choice I made a few years back and if I had known that it was a virgin he was looking for, I would have never agreed to marry him. The apologies lasted for over a month, but I don’t think it was something he could live with. He moved out of the flat and went back to the UK the following month. I called his family, and they assured me he would come around soon, but he didn’t. He stopped picking up my calls and responding to my texts. The only time he responded was when I told him that the visa got approved and I could finally join him in the UK– all I got was a thumbs-up emoji; he didn’t ask how I would pay for my flight, or when I was going to arrive or anything. But his sister and brother were so supportive. His brother booked my flight and picked me up from the airport when I moved to the UK.

So what about your husband?

He knows I’m in the UK, but I haven’t seen him since I arrived. He’s also aware that his brother paid for everything and I’ve been living with him since then, but he still hasn’t reached out. Sometimes, his brother tells me that he asked about me, but that’s all. My brother-in-law has been nice and said it’s okay to stay with him until whenever my husband comes around. 

Do you have a backup plan?

I don’t have a backup plan for now, but I’m not returning to Nigeria. My parents still think we’re together because I told them that I was moving to the UK to live with him. They have no idea that I’m living with his brother. My sister is the only person that knows what’s really going on. His brother is currently trying to help me get a job, and he’s mentioned me going back to school once or twice now. That’s the closest thing to a backup plan I have at this time. His brother has been paying all my bills, but I’m not sure how long that will last. If I get the job, I’ll probably go back to school. I’m hoping my husband comes around because I haven’t fully processed the idea that I might be getting a divorce at 25. I’ve been sending him texts, and his brother has been trying to talk to him too but so far, nothing. 

I’m sorry to hear that. How has life in the UK been so far?

It’s been hell. I cry more than I laugh these days. I don’t know anybody here except my husband’s family. My husband is acting like I don’t exist, my parents think I’m living with my husband, and I’m no longer sure I’m married. I can’t say that I’ve experienced what life in the UK should look like because I’m mostly in my brother-in-law’s house. Maybe when I get that job and know where my life is going, I’ll have a better answer. 

On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with abroad life?

Probably 2. But I know things will get better soon. 

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT). 

This 29-year-old engineer and the subject of this week’s Abroad Life didn’t fully appreciate what he had with his situationship-turned-girlfriend in Nigeria until he moved to Canada and realised how expensive it is to plan a Nigerian wedding abroad. He talks about why dating Nigerian girls in Canada isn’t for him and explains why he’s not a fan of interracial marriages.

When did you leave Nigeria, and where do you live now?

I left Nigeria in April 2023. I now live in Toronto, Canada, where I am pursuing a master’s degree.

Oh nice, what are you studying?

Masters in Engineering and innovation,

So, did you leave Nigeria because you wanted a Masters degree? 

Not exactly. At that point in my life, there was a lot of pressure to seek a better life. I was working with a Canadian company back in Nigeria, and the company was open to helping me move to Canada. It also felt like the right time to explore the world.

Oh, so are you studying and working at the same time?

I didn’t take the company’s offer because the process would have taken a long time for me. I already had plans to study abroad anyway, so I moved to Canada through that route. Originally, my plan was to move to the UK, but Canada just came through way faster than I expected. 

Has Canada met your expectations?

I had huge expectations of the country, but the reality was different. Everybody in Nigeria thinks Canada is a nice country, but when you’re here, you realise that it’s just bills, taxes, and a high cost of living. At the same time, you’re struggling to pay your tuition and trying to deal with the thousands of immigration policies that affect you as a student– Policies that define how you work, what you are allowed to do and how you literally live your life. The reality is tougher than the expectation.

Another thing that I didn’t expect is how people don’t keep friendships here, once you’re out of sight, you are out of mind. You’ll form surface-level relationships, but you most likely won’t find a community. I’m grateful I have a girlfriend and great friends outside Canada.

Where is your girlfriend?

She’s in Nigeria. When I moved to Canada, I realised it would be difficult to change my entire lifestyle when I got married. I want someone who likes the food and music I’m used to; I just don’t feel like starting all over again with someone else. I don’t want to play Wizkid in the morning, and my partner will start asking who I’m listening to. I love the idea of interracial marriages, but it’s not for me.

That’s valid. How did you meet your girlfriend? 

I’ve known the girl for a long time. We met in Nigeria when we were both 300-level university students, but we weren’t dating then; we just hung out and talked a lot. It was more of a situationship at first. Things didn’t really work out between us, so we went our separate ways. We reconnected three months before I left Nigeria, and we’ve been together since then. 

So how long have you guys been together now?

If I count the years we spent in the situationship, I’d say close to two years now. That’s enough time for me to know I’ll marry her.

Aww. How did you know she was the one?

When I date someone, I’m planning to marry them. I don’t think it’s about her. I think it’s about me. 

Oh.  Are you thinking of proposing anytime soon?

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been feeling pressured lately because most of my friends are getting married. My friends even exclude me from some conversations because there are things they think unmarried men like me cannot relate to. But I’ve been thinking of proposing to her for a while. 

So I have a little thing I’m planning to surprise her with, but I just need to get my money up for now. My financial status will determine how soon I can get married,

Money is always such a killjoy

Right? But the plan is set. I am going to the UK next year to visit my best friend. His wife is having a baby. My girlfriend will also leave Nigeria for a while to join me on that trip. The plan is to take her to a football game,  talk to a couple of engineers at the stadium, and convince them to play a little video that says, “Will you marry me?” when the game is over.

I’m curious. How exactly is money slowing down the marriage plan?

Marriage is no joke. If I’m going to get married, I must be prepared to live like a married man. I also have some personal goals I’d like to achieve first. For example, I want to buy my dream car before I get married. I’ve also fallen in love with travelling since I moved to Canada, and there are destinations I want to visit first as a bachelor before I get married. So personal needs or wants aside, if I’m getting married, I must be ready to take care of a family. There’s also the cost of bringing my girlfriend over to Canada too.

Valid. If you guys get married, where would the ceremony be held?

We’ll get married in Ogun state, Nigeria. The thought of going back to Nigeria to get married almost makes me regret not marrying her before I moved to Canada. 

Why?

When you go back home to marry, everybody assumes you have money. This means our families would have expectations. My girlfriend is understanding, but she can’t exactly control what would be demanded of me to cover wedding expenses.

Growing up, we just assumed everybody who lived abroad had money so I already know I’ll pay for almost everything we need for the wedding. Nigeria’s economy isn’t helping either. She’s trying her best, but she barely makes enough from her job–she’s not getting paid enough, or it’s the cost of living that’s making it look like she’s not paid enough.

What does she do?

She’s an accountant who earns around ₦150,000 to ₦200,000. She’s also a salesperson. She usually gets a 10% cut of the total amount of whatever she sells. She makes between ₦1,000,000 and ₦1,500,000 million from that per annum.

Has it ever crossed your mind to get married in Canada? Is that a cheaper option for both of you?

It’s actually an impossible option for us. For her to come here as a dependant, the wedding has to be held in Nigeria. Also, for the kind of visa we need, getting married in Canada will make it impossible for her to move here permanently. I also won’t be considering dating a Nigerian living in Canada. No shade to them, but they are not the kind of girls I’d like to marry. I’ve met lots of girls from different nationalities here -Indians, Chinese, Colombia – but they are all built differently compared to the Nigerian girls in Canada. Most of the girls here don’t understand the  “build together” mindset. They think you must pay their bills, take them out and all. The demands are crazier than what I’m used to; I like being in beneficial relationships– I give you stuff, you give me stuff. But here, it’s different, and I don’t think I’m ever willing to commit to that. 

So it’s your girlfriend or nobody?

Yes, she’s perfect for me.

Would these financial concerns have been a thing if you had married her before moving to Canada?

Probably, but it won’t be as bad. Living in Canada has automatically made people think I have a lot of money to spend on a wedding. The expectations wouldn’t be that high if I were still in Nigeria. Plus, I’m also adding the cost of helping my girlfriend move to Canada to the expenses. I’ll also need to do a lot of back-and-forth between Nigeria and Canada for the wedding, so there’s that too 

That’s tough. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you in Canada?

I feel like the quality of my life has gotten way worse than it was in Nigeria. At least in Nigeria, I wasn’t rich, but I was way above middle class. I could get a car if I wanted to, I could wake up and decide to go on a spontaneous trip. I wasn’t struggling at all, but here, I don’t even have enough money to feed myself plus, I’m paying my tuition out of pocket, which takes a lot from me financially. The quality of my life has dropped generally. I can’t even randomly decide to buy takeout, eat out at restaurants or go to different places. The only thing you can do here is save money and keep surviving. So maybe four.

Do you ever consider moving back to Nigeria?

Oh no. Even though I’m sad and depressed here, I know it’s a personal problem that could change in the future because the country is working. The problems I had in Nigeria, on the other hand, were institutional, and that wasn’t something I could fix. I was in Nigeria last month, and things were worse than I remember them to be. Even the fact that I can walk past a police officer in the middle of the night here in Canada is enough reason to want to stay.

When I went to Nigeria last month, policemen were still stopping people to collect money. It’s a sad problem to deal with. There’s also an infrastructural problem—I saw how the national grid kept falling, and I wondered how people who have non-Nigerian employers are going to explain something that ridiculous. Light is constant here, and there’s Wi-Fi, too. So whenever I compare these problems, I realise I’m better off here.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).

Moving abroad was a dream come true for 21-year-old Ofonime, lawyer-turned-psychologist and the subject of this week’s Abroad Life, but that dream turned into her worst nightmare when the relative who promised to give her a soft landing in America threw her out for refusing an arranged marriage and left her alone to figure out life as an immigrant that knew nobody in the US. 

When did you move to the US?

 I came to the US in July 2022 when I was 19 but I’m 21 now. I left Nigeria because an aunt said she wanted to take care of me and sponsor me.

That’s a good thing, right?

It was until it wasn’t anymore. Let me start with a little backstory — I grew up with my stepfather and mother. I never knew my biological father because my mum left him before I turned one. I never met or knew anyone from his family until I snooped around and found out when I was 8. My mum eventually told me everything about them at 13. So I knew my biological father’s side of the family existed but I wasn’t keen on connecting with them because my stepfather loved me like his own and I never felt the absence of a father. 

Sometime in 2021, my biological father’s sister who lives in the U.S. texted me randomly. She had been trying to connect with me since I was a little girl but she couldn’t reach my mum. I was a 300l law student at the University of Uyo at the time. We spoke for a while, then she asked me to come to the US because of the ASUU strike. I was a little bit happy about the idea but my mum already had plans of sponsoring me to the UK for my masters after law school. Then my aunt said she’d sponsor me because she doesn’t have any children. 

It felt really good to hear her say that. I remember writing in my old diary that I wanted to connect with one of my father’s relatives at the age of 18. When she reached out, I thought that was God granting my wish. So I started applying to schools in the US, I got admission, got my visa on the first trial, and then I started preparing to move to the US.

You must have been excited… 

Not really. Funding was still a problem. My mum booked my flight,  paid my visa fees, and the first  instalment of my school fees

Didn’t your aunt say she was going to sponsor you?

Oh, she asked my mum to pay and promised to refund her when I got to the US. She said she’d also pay other instalments. That didn’t happen because she ended up paying just one instalment. My school allows students to split payment in up to 5 instalments. My mom ended up paying for every other instalment. 

Wait, what?

 Yeah. My aunt was the only one I knew in the US, and she chose what school I should go to and which state I should live in — I ended up in Michigan where she lives.

When I was leaving Nigeria, she told me not to bring anything but I was sceptical about that and came with a small box full of clothes. She also told me not to bring my Infinix phone from Nigeria. She gave me her old iPhone 7 and told me she was waiting for the iPhone 14 to be released so she could buy that for me. She also promised to buy every other thing I needed. The only thing I had to my name was that box and the $300 allowance my mum gave me.  

Did she insist on buying you stuff to make it easier for you to move?

That’s what I thought, but everything changed after the first month. I started noticing that she was trying to turn 19-year-old me into her child. She asked me to start calling her mum and her husband “dad”. 

Oh…

Yeah. Her excuse was that she was going to adopt a child in the coming year and would like them to call them mum and dad so she figured I could start the tradition so the child could pick it up from me. I thought it was a stupid reason but I didn’t know anybody else in the US so I tried my best to call her mum. On the days that I forgot to do that, she wouldn’t respond to me. She made it compulsory to text her in the morning and evening. 

She had strange rules, like not letting me read in my room, only downstairs. Michigan was cold, but her house was even colder. I didn’t mind until I noticed that she never liked to lower the AC, even when I asked. So I started taking pictures of my books to read on my phone upstairs. 

Another weird rule she had was not allowing me to make friends with Nigerians because she thought it was stupid to leave Nigeria just to be hanging out with Nigerians. The people who ended up helping me here were Nigerians. I had a friend who would feed me because my aunt also restricted me from eating Nigerian food in her house. Even though she knew American food made me throw up.,

Ah, no way…

It gets worse from here. She tried to marry me off. In August 2022, she told me she had a friend who she’d made a pact with to marry into each other’s family. When I heard that, I had no issues with it but the problem came when my aunt wanted to use me to fulfil that pact because she didn’t have kids. 

Mind you this boy was a 19-year-old, fresh out of high school. I was a 19-year-old who would have been in law school if not for ASUU strikes. I disagreed and said I wasn’t interested and I didn’t come here for that.

Yet, every time it came up and I refused, she’d hint about how the marriage could help me get a green card, which I found strange because I planned to go to school and eventually manage my mother’s school as a school/clinical psychologist.

Did she back off?

For a while, yes. Then she started getting angry about other things like how I called my stepfather my  “dad”. She’d also get angry if I talked about him too much, and I couldn’t help it because I’m very close to my dad.

In December 2022 I started preparing for my maths exam. For context, I’m not great at maths so I needed to study but she had an errand for me and I told her I’d do it, just not during the weekend of my maths exam. She agreed but when I returned home that weekend, she asked me to run that errand. I tried explaining that I had exams but she got upset, saying she loves me but I make it hard for her to love me. In the morning, I asked her if she needed help with anything before I left for the library, she replied with a no and then said the most random thing. 

What did she say?

She asked me to pack my bags because I was returning to school. Deep down I was happy because I could finally prepare for my exams but I sensed something was wrong. She insisted that I go back to school and didn’t even give me time to eat before leaving. I felt so bad that I  told my mum about it, then my mum called her to find out what happened and two days later, she called me back saying my aunt wanted me to go and pick up the rest of my things. 

She kicked you out?

Kinda, yes. She said I could no longer live with her but would be happy to help me pay my first rent. Later, she changed her mind and said she’d bring my stuff over to my school. 

When she brought my things to school, she came with a friend and  I noticed it was only the stuff I brought from Nigeria- she took back everything she had ever bought for me, including the iPhone 14 and an iPad. Luckily, the iPad was in my hostel room, but I had the phone in my pocket. 

While I was still trying to speak with my aunt, her friend snatched the phone from my pocket. I told her the phone had important things on it like my school codes, a link to my school portal, and my exam materials. I said she could take the phone but asked for some time to transfer those things first.

Did you know why she was doing all of that?

My aunt didn’t say anything but her friend said it was because she brought me from Nigeria to polish my life and I started being anyhow. 

First of all, there was no polishing; my parents were rich by Nigerian standards, and they could afford to send me to good schools and buy whatever I wanted. I also had a small business that brought me ₦40,000 – ₦30,000 weekly. My dad gave me allowances regularly, but I didn’t even need to spend it because my mum worked in my school so I could go to her office for anything. 

I asked my aunt to let me transfer my stuff from the phone and they could take it. She agreed, but you know that thing that Nigerian parents do when they ask you to go and wear your slippers and come back? 

Did she take off?

Her car was gone before I got to my hostel room; I felt so helpless. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran to the campus police to report what happened. I fainted before I could even get there and when I woke up, I was in an ambulance, calling out for my mum. The police got involved after I regained consciousness and tried to help me get back the important things I had on the phone but they couldn’t get the phone because it was bought in her name. I ended up missing that maths exam but thankfully, my maths professor allowed me to write it before the end of the semester.. 

When school was about to close for Christmas break, my mum started looking for a place I could stay because I was technically homeless at that point. Then my mum’s friend in Houston offered to take me in and I stayed there throughout the break. 

I’m happy you had someone to help you.

She’s family now. I also had the support of my boyfriend who found me a job in Maryland and connected me to a woman who’s now like my mum in the US. I haven’t spoken to my aunt in two years. 

Good for you.

Not entirely. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder (PTSD), major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). I’m currently on pills because even anything that smells like her perfume or any house that looks like hers triggers me.

Because of my experiences with her, I now go temporarily blind and break out in hives in a stressful situation. The first time it happened, I just started praying that I wouldn’t become permanently blind because I didn’t have enough money to go to the hospital. I was still paying off the bills from the ambulance I was put into without my permission, which was over $1,000. 

Thankfully, I started doing well last year; I was lucky to get a job and scholarship that are paying my school fees this year and I’ve made a lot of friends here too. I also started an NGO in Nigeria that focuses on mental health awareness and yes, I got myself another iPhone 14 and a MacBook Air. I just got myself everything I wanted and started sending money back home.

Love that for you. I’m curious though, how did your parents feel about everything your aunt did?

When my aunt started acting out, my parents asked if I was helpful in her house. I told them that I was doing chores I’d never have done in Nigeria just to make sure that I was not a burden to her. So we all agreed that we’d keep hoping for the best. 

But when I told my mum that my aunt started getting pissed at me whenever I talk about loving my family, my mum got concerned. She advised me to endure for a while, get the university degree I came to the US for and come back home. But things never got better and I saw a side of my mum that broke my heart. 

So sorry. Do you mind explaining more? 

Sorry if I get emotional, it’s still a heavy topic for me. My dad has always been the sensitive one and my mum the tough one. She never cried but the day I ended up in the ambulance, I saw her mum cry for the first time, also, the events of that day made her hypertensive.

When that whole thing happened, everybody in my family was supportive- my mum, dad, siblings and aunties made it a tradition to call me every day; my other aunt didn’t have a lot but she’d send $10 or $20 whenever she could. My mum had to sell all her land to pay my school fees and she also took out loans which she’s now still repaying. 

Even though I can now pay my school fees myself, my mum is still worried about me. For instance, I love tying Ankara wrappers when I’m alone at home but if my mum calls me and sees me wearing a wrapper, she starts crying because she thinks I wear that because I can’t afford regular clothes. The whole situation made her so emotional, that she started crying almost every day. 

My entire family has been affected too- my brother called me one time and told me that they had stopped eating their food with protein because of the loans my mum was paying off. My heart broke so badly and I had to send money home. 

I’m so sorry. How has this experience shaped your perception of the US?

I want to go back home. America is a very lonely place, there’s no community and nobody cares about you. Everyone is struggling, but they’d rather struggle alone.

The only reason I’m still here is because I want to be established enough before I move back to Nigeria. I wouldn’t even want my kids to grow up here. Apart from the gun violence, it’s a super lonely place. 

Also, when you earn the money here, you don’t see it. I made lots of money over the summer but I ended up paying almost everything to the government in taxes; you have to pay for heat, water, nylon, literally everything. I’d rather stay in Nigeria and earn in dollars. 

I recently got a car and insurance is expensive as shit. I had to hop on my boyfriend’s insurance plan. Also, every time I fell sick, I couldn’t go to the hospital because of how expensive health insurance is. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t advise a 19-year-old to come here if they don’t have super-rich parents or a well-paying job. This is not a great place to start afresh.

Let’s talk more about happy memories, how did you meet your boyfriend?

I met him on Twitter before I left Nigeria. I was trying to break into tech and someone pointed me to him. When I moved to the US, he was already here and we became friends. But we didn’t start dating until December 25, 2022. Just a few days after my aunt kicked me out. 

When we started dating, he was supportive; he’d send me money every week. Even though we stayed in different states in the US, he’d order and send foodstuff t to me. He also calls my mum regularly to reassure her that I’m doing okay. If I didn’t have him, I’d have made progress but it would have been slower.

 I was initially scared of letting him know that I was diagnosed with mental disorders but when I eventually told him, he took it well. The second time I went blind was in his house, he got really scared but tried to stay calm enough for both of us. He took me to the hospital and paid the bill. He has now put me on his health insurance so I can go to the hospital whenever I want to. 

I’m glad to hear that.  Have you started eating Nigerian food again?

Yes, I started eating strictly Nigerian food when I became free from my aunty’s shackles. I cook okra, oha, afang, jollof rice, Nigerian salad, and literally everything else. These days, I even wake up happily at midnight to eat eba. 

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here.  Check in every Friday at 12 P.M (WAT) for new episodes of Abroad Life.