So Zainab, how you do am?

The story is long.

I never had one dream. At some point, I loved mathematics and wanted to study that, but by the time I finished secondary school, I wanted to study chemical engineering — it was the most interesting option for a science student who didn’t want to go for medicine — but I didn’t get in. West African Examinations Council (WAEC) did me dirty.

What happened?

My Senior Secondary Certificate of Education (SSCE) results were delayed. I had to use my General Certificate Examination (GCE) instead. But who really aces GCE? Of all the subjects, biology was the one that messed me up. Without it, I couldn’t apply to the chemical engineering department at the University of Ilorin.   

By the time WAEC decided to release our SSCE results, the department was full. I wasn’t ready to stay home for a year. And that’s pretty much how I ended up in Agricultural and Biometrics engineering. I had no clue what it was about.

I relate to the madness of WAEC, but this interview isn’t about me

Studying agricultural engineering wasn’t a horrible experience though. I took some helpful courses from other engineering departments and there was some programming involved. In 200 level, I took a programming class called Visual Basic, which was a third-generation and old programming language. Nevertheless, it sparked an interest because I was super interested in programming in general.

The issue was what job I’d be able to get in Nigeria. When I got to 400 level, that question became even more difficult to answer. While my guys in other engineering departments were able to get internships in big oil companies,  I was stuck working at a government ministry in Ilorin. No shade to government workers, but I knew I wasn’t interested in working there.

So you didn’t know where you would work after school?

Not exactly. But like my mates in other engineering departments, I wanted the flexibility of choosing big organisations in the private sector. I didn’t want to be stuck at a job because I didn’t have any other choice. 

After my internship, I was sure I’d transition into another field of engineering. I considered mechanical engineering because I took a lot of courses with the mechanical engineering department, and I could relate more with that. It also seemed interesting, and that’s how my transition began.

And to the meat of our gist

After my NYSC in 2016, I applied for a master’s degree in advanced mechanical engineering with management at the University of Leicester, UK. I ended up deferring my admission because my visa was delayed.

I just took the delay as a gap year and used the free time to learn coding. I couldn’t take the programming classes in uni as seriously as I’d wanted because there was no time. Now, I had all the time in the world.

I started with coding courses online, but I wanted to try out for an internship. So I searched for internships and found a tweet from Hotels.ng calling out for interns.

I got in, but the it was too fast paced for me as a complete beginner.

 Nevertheless, I’m grateful for the community the program gave me. I had the opportunity to meet and connect with people of different level of technical skills both online and offline, some of who I’m still connected with today.

A few weeks after the internship, I applied for the first Andela Learning Community sponsored by Google at the time. The program’s structure was hybrid, so I had more access to people in the tech community in Ilorin. That was a plus to the Twitter community I discovered from my Hotels.ng internship.

At this point, what tech skill were you focused on building?

Android development. It made me consider switching my master’s degree to computer science. But I didn’t want to flop. 

When I finally went for my master’s in 2017, my interest switched to artificial intelligence. We were taking a modelling and statistics course that covered how algorithms make it easy for computers to classify and recognise objects. I was curious.

I read more about artificial intelligence on my own, and that’s how I stumbled on data science. It seemed like the perfect mix of my interests. The programming aspect I’d learnt before my master’s degree and the data part covered statistics and mathematics. 

So the best of both worlds?

Exactly. It only made sense to branch out into data science and start taking courses online.

Sweet. When did you land your first role?

Towards the end of my master’s degree in 2018. At first, I was applying for any kind of job. Whether it was consulting or banking, I applied because I didn’t want to leave the UK after school. But I wasn’t getting feedback. Eventually, I realised I had to stay focused on my initial goal to work as a data scientist. 

I started applying for analytics roles aggressively. I must have sent at least 300 applications before I got my first interview invite. The initial chit-chat with the team went great, but the technical assessment made me nervous – it was my first job, and I didn’t know what to expect. I hadn’t worked on a real-life data set. Essentially, I wasn’t very confident in my skills for these reasons.

The whole room started spinning in my head. And I flunked the test.

But you still got the job?

Yeah. On my trip back home, I sent an email to the team and thanked them for the opportunity. But I also added in an apology for messing up my test.  I explained how nervous I felt, and the pressure from writing my dissertation while preparing for the test. I guess they understood.

Surprisingly, the team asked me to take the test again. This time I had two weeks to submit the test like a take-home assignment. I still didn’t ace it though.

And you still got the job, Zainab?

LMAO. Yes. They felt the email demonstrated my willingness to learn. At least that’s what their email said. My job at the company was assisting the team with analysing market research surveys. 

This was my first taste of the corporate world was great. At least for the four months, it lasted.

What happened?

I couldn’t sort out the extension on my UK visa, so I moved back to Nigeria. 

The company allowed me to work remotely, but between the horrible internet and frustrating generator noises at many meetings, keeping up was impossible. I decided to leave.

I’m sorry. How did the Nigerian job market compare to the opportunities in the UK?

It was next to zero. I searched for data analyst roles on LinkedIn and there was nothing available. I reached out to my friends in tech for help. I remember one texting me about my salary expectations for a particular role. I said ₦500k. I’m sure the guy laughed because, thinking about it now, I had barely a year of experience to offer. But still, how was I to know? I didn’t understand the jobscape in Nigeria.

A month later, I got a job with an energy company. I was doing everything data and engineering-related at the company. I’d go to sites to set up energy metres and still spend time analysing the energy consumption of all our clients. The workload was a lot. I needed something else. 

Fascinating

But while I was still at the energy company, a friend started a data visualisation community. The goal was to connect and learn how to present information visually with graphs. But I didn’t have time to dedicate to learning and practising this until the lockdown.

During the pandemic, it was easier to attend classes. Tableau was one software people in the data industry talked about, so I dedicated more time to practicing. Every project I did went up on Twitter, and I started gaining traction. I was just everywhere at the time plugging my work.

Nine months into my job at the energy company, a friend directed me to a fintech company searching for product analysts. I applied, got the job and spent the next year there.

The next stop was Spotify.

How did the Spotify offer happen?

The weekly Twitter posts became my portfolio online. I didn’t know it at the time, but people were watching. In 2021, a senior data scientist at Spotify sent me a DM on Linkedin. He was recruiting for his team and asked me to apply for the job. I went through a five-stage process, and that was it. 

I got the job and relocated to Sweden in April 2021. It’s been a year since I joined the Sweden team. Now, I’m looking forward to a new experience at the London office in May. 

Nice. How has the experience been so far?

Spotify is a cool company. At first, working in a big company was overwhelming, especially after coming from a startup but I’ve eased into it. There’s more structure than I was used to, and everyone’s role is defined and clear. 

Speaking of roles, what exactly do you do at Spotify?

I help product teams make informed decisions with data. One aspect is through visualisation. For instance, if there is a goal to reach x billion user streams, I build dashboards where people can go to monitor the progress. I also do exploratory deep dives into certain trends and patterns observed and test different hypotheses based on data observations. These analysis are presented to products teams and other stakeholders who then make decisions based on them.”

That’s huge. What’s one thing you think has prepared you for this role?

I’d say consistently learning and moving forward. My career journey never looked put together to me. I went from engineering to programming to data science and now, data visualisation. I think by now you should know I work with vibes. 

The funny thing is, when I went to the UK for my master’s, Spotify was one of the first apps I downloaded. I’d never experienced anything as good as their recommendation engine. The algorithm knew the exact songs I’d want in a playlist. As a tech enthusiast, that was insane. I wanted to understand how it worked.  

At that point, I couldn’t have believed I’d end up working at Spotify. Every decision I made about my career was vibes, a little bit of strategy and a lot of luck.

What do you think is next for your career?

Right now, I want stability. I’ve spent the last two years moving companies, so I’m focused on building at Spotify. At least for another year or two.

We recently shared Jemima Osunde’s hustle story — how she broke into acting while in medical school and what it’s like as a newbie in Nollywood. Now that you know how she did it, this guide will take you step-by-step on how you can become an actor in Nigeria.

Image source: Pexels

And no, it’s not superficial. The movie industry thrives on the “believe-ability” of the actors. Would you pass for a hustling mechanic? Do you give off the bad bitch vibes required for the role you’re auditioning for? These are the questions that need to be answered. 

Gain experience:
The more people see you, the better it is for your acting career. Your performance after landing your first role, and the strength of your network will contribute to your landing more roles and gaining experience.

You may just be starting out, but it’s not every role you’re offered you should take, please. Focusing on quality may just be what sets you apart from the hundred other actors out there and set you up nicely for your big break.

PS: We also broke down everything you just read in this TikTok video.

*A-list/A-lister: This describes a group of people considered to be the most famous or successful at their crafts. You could say Zikoko is an A-lister.

*B-list/B-lister: This describes a group of people who are also successful at their crafts, but not as famous as the A-listers.

Subscribe to our Money Newsletter to get more guides and stories about how money moves in Nigeria.

I didn’t think it’d be an issue really, until my bank started acting like the weapons fashioned against me, and I couldn’t even go cashless in peace. 
So, I tried to survive on only ₦500 cash at hand for two weeks, and I’m still alive. It’s very likely you don’t have cash too — or you don’t have enough for the necessary small transactions — so let me teach you how to survive this period.

Stay at home

Whoever invented introverts knows ball. I’m not much of an outside person, but this period has further taught me the wisdom of sitting at home and eating whatever I have in my kitchen. If work makes you leave your house every day, I sympathise with you.

Do online transfers for EVERYTHING

When they work, at least. A friend told me how she transferred ₦300 to a pepper seller. Thing is, you won’t know who accepts transfers unless you ask. Ask that okada man for a transfer option today.

Become interested in fitfam

Do you really need to take a bus when you can walk? Do you actually crave shawarma, or are your village people just working overtime? You can always tell yourself you’re pursuing your fitness goals.

Sleep

You can’t spend money while you sleep.

Shop at supermarkets

Since the major problem is cash, do your shopping at places where POS transactions are readily available. Of course, your bank can still disgrace you, but what’s life without a little risk?

Date a POS attendant 

Who knows, you might get free new notes as a relationship privilege. Plus, imagine dating one of the hottest set of people in Nigeria right now.

Just give up

Even if you survive the two-week mark, what’s the assurance that the cash situation would’ve improved by then? God, actually abeg.

RELATED: What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling

Jemima Osunde is a 26-year-old physiotherapist and actress. Fed up with the chaos of medical school, Jemima decided to pursue acting on the side. She called her big break pure luck, but through her story, we found out what it’s like to hustle as a newbie in Nollywood.

So Jemima, how did you do it?

I always tell people acting happened to me randomly. Physiotherapy was what I wanted to do. Things started in my first year at UNILAG in 2013. Post-JAMB messed up my grades, so I took a diploma program to get into 200 level the next year. Anyone who knows what UNILAG’s diploma is like knows it can be chaotic.

How chaotic was it, on a scale of 1-10?

Hmm. We’d be like 200 in one hall with no power. Lecturers would yell at the top of their lungs at the front of the hall, doing their best, but only the first 50 people could hear them. The rest of us were just there to sign attendance and fulfil all righteousness by being there. 

So it broke the scale? 

LOL. Yeah. 

I did that for a few weeks and knew it couldn’t be my life for the rest of the year. That Christmas, I was at an uncle’s party, and we talked about how school was going. He suggested I consider acting since I was always talking everyone’s ear off. He felt it was a good way to make some money or just occupy my time.

What did you think?

It made sense actually. His words got stuck in my head for weeks. And after my next horrible day at school, I decided to experiment with acting while I was trying to get into the College of Medicine for my second year at UNILAG. 

What was the first thing you did while experimenting?

I started following Nigerian production houses on social media and discovered that they usually posted open audition calls. It just made sense to me that to start acting I had to audition for roles, so I followed everyone from Africa Magic to EbonyLife. I followed producers too; from one producer’s page, I’d find another to follow. 

Then, I followed young actors of that period. When I started, there was Olumide Oworu, Owumi Ugbeye who’d been on MTV Shuga — I just kept following everybody so I’d see every audition notice going out. Even though I didn’t immediately get roles, I learnt a lot from attending auditions and mingling with other aspiring actors who knew more than me. They’d give me the gist on what to do, what to look out for, who to meet and so on.

How did all of that play out in landing your first role?

I saw an audition notice for Tinsel in 2013. I didn’t get the part, but I got called back for Africa Magic Original Films [AMOF]. 

When I saw the email, I actually thought it was a scam because I hadn’t heard of AMOF or attended an audition for it. I had to call one of my uncles in the industry to verify. Then I had my mum come with me for the first few reads — till today, crew members at different sets still ask me about her. 

I worked on five or six AMOFs. And through them, I got on The Johnsons, guest-starring in a few episodes as the character, Abby. These first few acting experiences were an exciting adventure for my mum and I. My parents used to drive me around to set locations.

What would you consider your big break into the acting industry?

MTV Shuga in 2014. I was 18 at the time so bagging my role as Leila on a show that big at the beginning of my career was significant for me.

How did that big break happen?

One of the actresses I followed at the start of my career and I were working on a film together. In passing, I said I really liked her character on MTV Shuga, and it’d be nice if it had a new character I could play. Like two days later, she texted about an audition and asked me to send my details to an email address. I did that, got a reply and went in for a reading. In a matter of three or four days, I was cast as Leila. 

Just like that? Did you have any formal training as an actor?

No. Honestly, I was lucky.

That’s pretty much how things started for me. I only had to do three or four open auditions after Shuga.

Wait first. How was school going?

For some reason, most of my auditions were in Surulere, Lagos, so it wasn’t hard to go for them from the College of Medicine. Max, one bus, one okada, and I’d be at any casting.

It sounds like you were living a soft life

LOL. Not on the days I had to find my way to Ikeja or Lekki though. I’d get to Ojuelegba underbridge and be clueless. Or sit in a bus and wait for it to get full before my 10 a.m. call. That’s when I started to get frustrated. I had to beg my parents to drive me to auditions until I could afford to take Uber.

What’s the average amount of time you’d spend on set?

For movies, two weeks at most, and I’d be on set ten out of 14 days. We’d shoot until we stopped, which meant several hours of shooting per day. 

Only Shuga took longer than a month to shoot. I was in one season each, on the Naija version and on Down South. I was on set every other day for three weeks for the first, and in Jo’burg for five to six weeks for the second.

How did things change after Shuga?

I kept grinding in between filming. I had a 9-to-5 as a researcher at One Music, and I was still a student at the College of Medicine. It was really hard to keep up. I was also just figuring out my life as a teenager, making friends — which didn’t quite work out because I don’t have many friends. Then I was always sending emails and DMs to every big director and producer I admired, even Shonda Rhimes!

But I got to a point where people would send me emails asking me to audition. A few months after we finished shooting Shuga, one of the producers cast me in her short film. Some months after that, I got calls from people I’d worked with on the set or I’d emailed earlier, who realised they had a role I was a good fit for.

I moved from needing to attend open auditions to being invited for table reads or screen tests. Instead of walking in with 500 people hoping to get a role, I scaled through to a more selected phase with maybe 20 people. 

Were the chances of getting a role much higher in a table read or screen test?

Pretty much, but other upcoming actors get this access too. That makes it more competitive because you have to show what makes you special. Like why should it be Jemima and not the 20 other girls they know could play the character well too?

And did you have an answer to that? 

For me, it was talking to the right people. People you work with mention your name in the right rooms. 

Every time I got on set, I made sure I interacted with the crew members, not just the actors. There’s a vast amount of knowledge you can get from them because production typically uses the same crew. These people have gone from one project to another amassing experience. I always stress them out with questions about things like cameras and lenses. And that’s one way to get informal training.

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What’s another?

Imagine being on a set with Kate Henshaw or Stella Damasus and not learning anything. I don’t have any shame in asking for help when I can’t connect with a character, for example. I remember meeting Adesua (Etomi-Wellington) on the set of MTV Shuga. We instantly clicked, and she’s been a strong support system ever since. She saw I was a young girl just trying to navigate the industry and could sense my silent cry for guidance, so she took me under her wing.

She was fairly new to Nollywood, but she’d been doing theatre and a bunch of creative projects in the UK. She’d ask things like, “What do you think should be a priority at the beginning of your career?” “What are you trying to do?” and just genuinely be a friend I can call anytime. It’s necessary to surround yourself with good people who’ll keep you grounded and remind you of your purpose even when you forget. That’s who she is to me. Our relationship has just evolved and metamorphosed into many different things over the years. 

I don’t think I could’ve come this far without the older women in the industry TBH. They tell you what they went through in old Nollywood and ways to skip all the stress. 

And younger actresses?

There’s a bunch of us that know we fall into the same criteria. If they’re not casting me then it’s Sharon Ooja, Tomike Alayande, Ini Dima-Okojie or maybe Efe Irele and a couple of others. It’s an unspoken thing, but we know ourselves. When a job comes, and one person isn’t available or interested, we refer each other.

How do you manage the competition since you all fall into the same category?

Being friends helps. My girls know how to stick together. And to make sure no one is getting the short end of the stick when jobs come. We know that for certain gigs within a certain duration, there’s a flat rate. No one goes below it. We basically set the standard for ourselves.

Beyond networking, what skills did you have to pick up fast as your career took off with MTV Shuga? 

Omo, so many things. I didn’t get a representative until 2020, so I had to learn how to multitask on a large scale. Sometimes, I had classes from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m., with a call time at 2 p.m. and Lagos traffic to beat. So if I allocate one hour to something, and someone shows up 30 minutes late, that’s not my business. In my head, I have 30 minutes left. Till today, I’m still my own manager.

With the way things were going, why not just focus on acting?

In Nigeria, acting can’t be the only thing you do for income and fulfilment. How many good films do we make in a year compared to the number of actors we have? You can’t be busy from January to December.

Fair point

Yeah. Getting to MTV Shuga took a year. For me, it didn’t feel like such a long time because school kept me busy. If acting were all I had, that would’ve been difficult.

What happens when absolutely nothing works?

That happened to me during the pandemic. I had to find ways to keep myself busy. That’s why I started a music trivia game on Instagram. But I also tried to get roles on TV series so I could shoot weekly, like a monthly subscription to being an actress.

Let’s move to the medical side of things. Are you currently practising?

Not for the past two months. I finished my NYSC in the first quarter of 2022 and took a break. Medical work in Nigeria is the ghetto. If you know people in the medical field, check up on them. Na them need mental help pass.

LOL. What’s doing them?

It’s so much work for such little pay and zero recognition. I’m at the point where I want to do it voluntarily, pick a few hospitals I’ll work at on the days I’m not filming. But for now, I’m on a break.

I’m curious: how has being a health worker made you a better actress?

Outside handling financial stress, the toughest part of being a health worker is seeing people die every day. Somehow, that’s helped me get into character without being so attached to the trauma I play, since it’s all fiction. It’s much more difficult when you actually know the person in reality.

And how does it work the other way around?

I’ve never thought about that. I think acting makes me a lot more sensitive and empathetic. Treating someone is very different from being able to become that person in your head and possibly picture your life like that. 

Best in acting

LOL. So even when I want to lose my cool with their family members — because patients are never really the issue — I can somehow put myself in their shoes. I guess that’s one of the ways being an actress helps my medical career.

How do you manage to keep both careers apart?

I don’t keep them apart o. My self-given nickname is “one true self”. I’m an acting physiotherapist, doctor-actress, health worker-entertainer, whatever version people prefer. I’m one person living the best of both worlds, that’s what makes me who I am. I’m currently doing a Master’s in Public Health, and people like to ask me what I need it for. I don’t have an answer for them. They should just watch and see.

And how do you handle people recognising you when you’re in hospital mode?

I actually prefer when people recognise me in the hospital than outside, on the streets, in the supermarket. It helps me cheer my patients up. It makes it easier to find a common ground with them, which is important in my line of health work. Apart from that, I’m a very public but private person. You’ll see me banter a lot on Twitter, or post random things when I’m in my lover girl stage, but I’m very deliberate with the details I share.

What’s a trick every newbie needs to learn in the film industry?

Characters become more challenging when you realise they’re not fictional. Anyone can read a script and have a flow. But sometimes, you have to create a backstory that helps you connect more with the character. That’s not something on a script. And that’s what some directors tell you to do, to actually become a character.

What were some roles that put you to the test? 

There was Nkem, the sex worker I played in The Delivery Boy in 2018. But one of the toughest characters I’ve played is Ranti from Rumour Has It in 2016. The babe was mean and controversial. I couldn’t play her until I could come up with a reason why someone could deliberately publish horrible stuff about their friends on a blog. Though there’s no justifiable reason to hurt people, giving her a defendable backstory helped me embody her character better. And that process makes it easier to get into challenging roles.

I have to ask: what does it take to get to the level you’re at in the industry?

Quality over quantity of films you shoot. And that’s why you need an extra source of income. But the best advice I received as a newbie was, “Never be afraid to take multiple cuts.” Because even when you think it’s perfect, a scene can always be better. 

How do you know when to stop then?

Sometimes, you just need to take multiple cuts to give the director different portrayal versions to choose from. You know when to stop by reading the room. People on set — the director, cinematographer, DOP — are very honest. If the cut is just there, it’d show on their faces. Or you could get a standing ovation because the take was just that good. You don’t have to wait for an ovation, but make sure everyone is satisfied before you stop. They’d even be the ones to reassure you that you don’t need another take.

But the one you’re guaranteed to find close to the top is, “Where can I keep my money so bank charges, exchange rate, rats and snakes don’t send me back to my village?”

Where do Nigerians keep their money? We’ve ranked all eight spots.

8. Nigerian mother

If you’re still keeping money with your Nigerian mother, after all she used your eyes to see when you were younger, you’re very brave. Sure, mothers are great at saving things — remember the nylon bag filled with other nylon bags? — and we’re not saying you won’t get your money back, but if she “borrows” it, how do you ask for it back? Are you ready for a how “she carried you for nine months” reminder?

7. Thrift savings, AKA Ajo or Esusu

I get the idea behind ajo, and it’s not bad. You agree with a group of people to put your money together, and then each person “collects” everyone’s money when it’s their turn. It makes sense if you don’t trust yourself not to finish all your money on shawarma, but what if one person decides to pack everyone’s money and run away before paying their share? If it can happen to these people, it can happen to you. Issa no for me.

6. Under your bed or pillow

There’s nothing better than sleeping on money, literally; at least you know where your money is. But have you met some rats? In case you don’t know, there are demon rats who’d leave your kitchen and prefer to eat certificates and cash. Just ask our politicians.

5. Piggy banks, AKA kolo

Kolos only work when you’re highly self-disciplined, or you’d just find yourself using broom to remove the ₦1k you dropped there the night before. 

4. Regular banks

You’ll understand why I’m differentiating the banks later on in this list, but here, I’m referring to the traditional commercial banks where you’ll open a “savings” account with ₦10k and come back to a balance of ₦9,650 in a matter of minutes. The ones that’ll charge “ATM maintenance” fees but will still ask you to wait 24 working days to reverse an ATM dispense error. The good thing is, you don’t have to keep your money in cash, and people can easily send you urgent ₦2k.

3. The stock market

You can make a sizeable profit when you keep your money in stocks, but you can also wake up tomorrow and see that all your life savings has vanished. It’s not your village people. The stock market is just volatile. Put some of your money there, not all biko.

2. Foreign currency

With the naira’s epileptic state, it only makes sense to want to keep your money in other currencies like the dollar. This would have been number one, but how many people even have access to dollar investments?

1. Digital banks

Digital banks are like mobile banks, but without the plenty charges. At least with these ones, what you put inside is what you’ll meet, plus jara.

ALAT by Wema, Nigeria’s leading digital bank, offers multiple savings features which customers can choose from and grow their finances by earning up to 10% interest on money saved. 

Even if you want to spend your money — because problem no dey finish — their Spend and Save feature allows you to automatically save a percentage of the transaction amount on ALAT and earn interest on your savings. You can also save in dollars with the Dollar Savings feature. Even if it’s ajo you want to do, the Rotating Savings feature offers a transparent collective savings process for you and up to 12 friends.

Make savings and investment a lifestyle with ALAT. Check out their website for more information on the available savings features, and get started today.

Two: Typical Nigerian bosses are never wrong. Like, never. 

The key to winning every argument is by using Nigerian boss tactics, and this article will teach you how.

Make a decision

For top points, pick the most unreasonable decision or opinion possible. For example, of course, one person should be able to do the work of five people without complaining. Are you asking for too much, or are they just not putting in the effort?

Stand by it

Channel your inner mountain and absolutely refuse to change your stance. It doesn’t matter if everyone around you is crying. You’ve made your decision, and changing it means you lose the argument. We don’t want that.

Never accept defeat

Even if the points against your argument are as bright as the Kaduna sun, refuse to be defeated. If they do too much, tell them, “I’ve been an expert in this field since before you were born”. That’ll show them.

Intimidate others into silence

Directly or indirectly threaten to show them shege if they dare question your authority. They’ll accept your every word as law.

Play the boss card 

If it looks like you’re losing, just say, “Do you know more than me?” but don’t even give them the space to answer. Just keep repeating that question.

It’s like you know more than me, abi?

RELATED: 9 Appropriate Responses to the Frustrating “Do You Know Who I Am”?

Tell them you’ll consider it

If the person has coconut head and still insists on making their opinions heard, tell them you’ll consider it. Then proceed to never think about it again.

Say, “It’s against policy”

And don’t bother to explain what policy you’re talking about. The point is, you know more than them, and they need to shut their face.

Or just sack them

How dare they question your irrational ways? If you can’t sack them because you’re not a Nigerian boss in real life, sack them from your life and keep it moving.

ALSO READ: 9 Unmissable Signs That Your Nigerian Boss Is Clueless

Another reason behind the plenty talk is Arsenal initially approached Mudryk’s club, Shakhtar, with £55 million, and then £62 million— the footballer had even accepted salary terms with the Gunners. But Chelsea swept in like a rich Nollywood sugar daddy, his club agreed, and the rest was history.

Sure, all the money isn’t going to him, but Mudryk accepted his club’s decision and chose money. I may not know much about football, but I’m proud that he did. To my fellow 9-5ers, here’s why you should do as Mudryk did and always choose money.

Account balances don’t recognise passion

If it’s not the work of your village people, why would you have passion for a job that pays you ₦30k?

It’s better to cry inside AC

Every job will stress you. It’s better to cry inside an air-conditioned office and clean your tears with dollar bills than to motivate yourself with, “I love my job”.

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Your coworkers don’t like you like that

You think your team is your “family”, but even your work spouse would leave you in an instant if another job promises to 2x their salary. Don’t play yourself.

Neither does your boss

Especially if they always motivate the team to “believe in the collective dream”. Let someone else shove money in their face first.

The economy is economying

Everything is expensive. The noodles you bought for ₦100 yesterday can be ₦500 tomorrow. Do you get where I’m going with this?

Bad bitches are rich bitches

How do you want to reach the full extent of your bad bitchery with only ₦5k in your account two days after payday?

Don’t you want to be a baller?

Because why are you even choosing anything over money? 

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I’ve always thought the concept of a dream job is just another ploy to keep you shackled to the chains of capitalism. Why should you dream of working every day of your active life for fulfilment? 

Don’t take it from me. These Nigerian professionals share similar sentiments as they tell us why they stopped believing in dream jobs.

“I do love my job, but it’s just not enough.”

— Damian*, 32

I grew up in a typical Nigerian home, where the dad was always working and the mum was a stay-at-home carer. My dad took great pride in his work, and we didn’t lack anything, so I grew up believing all I had to do as a man was my best work and everything else would fall into place.

My dream job was to be a banker like my dad, and I did everything possible to make sure I achieved it. I’m the assistant branch manager at a commercial bank now, but I feel like I’m living my life for someone else. 

I work so hard every day, telling myself I chose this life. I do love my job, but it’s just not enough. I hardly have time to even think about other things I might enjoy, and at the end of the day, no one gives a shit about you. You can drop dead one minute, and work will continue the next. Is that life?

“Every job fuels capitalism”

— Clarissa*, 27

I’ll admit I once believed in a “dream job” that had to be the end goal if you wanted to feel like you’ve achieved a successful career. Mine wasn’t a specific role; it just had to be something that paid me in dollars.

I got the dollar-paying job in 2021 and felt good for a while, but capitalism is still capitalism. It’s still the same mind-numbing work that takes over your life. Every job fuels capitalism. The only difference is the amount of money you choose to sell your freedom for. 

“Dream jobs don’t necessarily pay the bills”

— Obed*, 29

When I hear “dream job”, I think “follow your passion”. I followed my passion for a while by studying veterinary medicine in university, but omo, I came out and saw that the economy wasn’t smiling. There aren’t enough opportunities for vets in Nigeria. Me, I’ve changed my passion to what can feed me, please.

“The idea just benefits employers”

— Olanna*, 25

I believed that for someone to enjoy working, they had to really love their jobs, so any job that’d make me absolutely love working was meant to be my dream job.

But I have better sense now, and I realise that idea just benefits employers. They encourage you to put in your all to gain “fulfilment” and “change the world”, but they’re the ones who largely benefit from your hard work. No one really loves working. We just do it because we have to.

I’m not saying, don’t like your job. Heck, you have to, or else you’d be miserable all your life. But just do what you can and throw away any notion that you’re indispensable. To your employer, everyone is dispensable. 

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“Not everyone has the luxury for it”

— Dana*, 32

Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing their dreams or jobs they supposedly have passion for, especially in Nigeria. I believed in dream jobs as a young university leaver, but life has shown me we don’t always get to choose what we love. So, what’s the point of believing in it? 

Employers don’t even care whether you love the job or not. As long as you’re doing what they paid you for, it’s not their business.

“A job is just a job”

— Anita*, 26

Just like characters in romance novels, I used to believe there was a career path that was “the one” for me. But I’ve pivoted from health to human resources and now administration. I’ve realised there’s no one job that makes me feel fulfilled. As long as I keep doing good work, and my salary helps ease my stress, I’m fine. A job is just a job. We weren’t put on this earth to focus our energies on finding one dream job.

“Money is my own dream”

— Dotun*, 36

I was guilty of telling people to follow their passion, but getting married and having children made me realise money is my own dream.

I followed my passion by starting my career in journalism, but the work environment and challenges that came with it aren’t for the weak. Plus, it doesn’t pay too well.  When I got the opportunity to move into tech, I did. Now, I tell people not to be boxed into a corner by the idea of a dream job. Dreams can change, and they can be fuelled by anything. 

What if your “dream job” is killing you or can’t pay your bills? Better dream again.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

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If you want to ensure nobody invites you to meetings anymore, do these things. 

Note: You might get fired. But at least, you won’t have meetings when you’re unemployed, so win-win. 

Interrupt and talk over others

Don’t let anyone complete a sentence without butting in to say something off-topic. Once you do this five times in 30-minute meetings for one month straight, nobody will invite you to meetings again. This one is tried and tested.

Unmute your mic and share nasty office gist in the background

Don’t forget to shout, “Oh my God. I was unmuted?” after someone brings to your attention that you’ve just told the entire team the CEO has been sleeping with interns. 

Use porn as your video background

If it’s an online meeting, and they insist everyone has to put their videos on, just use porn as your video background and say you don’t know how to change it. Nobody is inviting you to meeting again. 

Make up words and use them repeatedly

When they eventually ask you the meaning of the word, insist that it’s industrial jargon. The fact that they don’t know it means they’re not up to date on industry standards.

Eat noisily during the meeting

If it’s an in-person meeting, fufu and efo riro is perfect. If it’s a video call, messily eat shawarma. But whatever you eat, eat loudly. 

Bring a pet and treat it as a “co-worker” participating in the meeting

When you’re done speaking, look to your dog and say, “So Jack, anything for us?” Then laugh for like one minute straight. Nobody will call you to a meeting again, walahi. 

Randomly share personal information

When it’s your turn to speak about your weekend, go into detail about how it was a bad weekend because you couldn’t last more than three minutes in bed even though your therapist said you should think about your dead grandma while having sex. That’ll be a great way to start the meeting. 

Use a voice changer

Imagine you’re at your appraisal and you sound like one of the chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sounds fun, no?

Share your screen and open a video that’s loud and inappropriate

May we suggest sites where you can find these?

Speak in a poorly-done accent throughout the meeting

How’s your Russian accent? Work calls are a great time to practice. 

Put your camera on then leave the room

Let your coworkers speak to a chair. 

God, abeg

But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.

Start counting the days

Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day. 

Throw in pointless office lingo

Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.

Look serious

Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea. 

Blame MTN and their cohorts

I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi? 

Set up meetings

You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.

Just look busy

If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.

Remember the state of your account balance

Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.

Beg God to let you blow this year

At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.

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