I have a fear of home invasions. All forms of it: burglaries, armed robbery, break-ins. The crux of that fear is having an unwelcome stranger in my house. 

It was just a few minutes past 2 a.m. when I woke up to stare at my phone’s too-bright screen. The date was May 24, 2023. I heard a soft click, and the door to my room opened slowly. I was confused, and at first, I thought, “I didn’t close it properly. A breeze must have happened.” 

But the door didn’t stop opening. The slice of light from the hallway kept widening. It was now clear that someone was on the other end of the door, and they were opening it slowly, trying to make sure they wouldn’t wake me. My flatmates usually knock first. 

 “Who the fuck is that?” I yelled before I realised I was angry or afraid. The door immediately stopped moving. I jumped out of bed — it takes a few seconds because I sleep naked and have to wear a robe — and chased after them, but they were gone by the time I got there. 

Outside my door, there was a lingering whiff of body odour in the hallway. In the living room, the balcony door was open. My flatmates and I live on the first floor, so this person climbed the railing to get into our apartment. 

I didn’t know until daylight, but they left a handprint on the wall right by the balcony door. 

I slammed the balcony sliding door closed, almost losing my little finger. Then I walked back to my room and stood at the door, trembling. All I could think was, “There was someone in this house. There was someone in our house.” I stood there for a while before I heard someone yelling from the next house. The person must’ve climbed the fence to get into the next compound. When I finally stopped shaking, I went inside, locked the door and texted my flatmates. 

I lay in bed, staring at my door, half expecting it to open for a stranger to come in and attack me. I couldn’t sleep until 4:56 a.m.

Now, look. I’m well aware of how careless we were. The balcony has three doors: a burglary-proof door, a sliding net door and a sliding glass door. They were all closed, but none were locked; entry was easy. And my neighbour was robbed the previous month, possibly by the same person. 

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The following day, I bought the strongest padlock I could find and permanently locked the burglary-proof gate. When I spoke to some neighbours, they told me the security guard in the next compound had seen him jumping the fence. He’d taken my neighbour’s make-up purse, which he’d dumped in the next house. Then he apparently came back that same night and tried to rob some other neighbours. 

I couldn’t sleep properly for days, so I packed my shit and went to a friend’s house until I felt ready to return home. 

One early morning in late June, a few weeks later, I heard the soft click of the door again. I opened my eyes and saw a blurry image of someone standing at the door. Before I could fully process my thoughts or the pounding of my heart, I yelled at them, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” As the person rushed toward me, saying, “It’s me,” I realised it was a friend who had come over for a few days, not an intruder. It felt like the whole thing had happened again for a few seconds. Only this time, they actually got into my room to attack me. 

As my friend comforted me, and I tried to calm my heart, I started laughing because it was too funny. Would I always be afraid of the sound of my door? I’d been so angry that they’d come back, but what did I think my fearful anger was going to do, scare them away? It did before, so maybe it has some power. 

I check all the doors before I go to bed now, but every time I open my door and hear the soft click, I get a flashback that makes me shake my head. Don’t go to bed without locking your doors, people. 

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*TW: This story contains themes of depression and suicide*

Tell me about your team lead

We were very close. If somebody asked me out at the bank, I would tell her I’d tell her, and we’d laugh about it. She even got her best friend to talk to me when I was feeling very depressed, and she wasn’t around.

But we started to fall out in late 2021. About a year into the role, I became restless and wanted to know where my career was headed. It was a new team, which meant there was  a lot of uncertainty about career growth. I wasn’t sure what was next, and I didn’t like it.

So what did you do?

As I became more restless, it started some friction with other members of the team. So I brought up how I felt with my boss, and she tried to calm me down. 

She was away from the country and promised we’d talk about it when she returned. But I felt out of place in the team because she was away for a long time.

How long?

About six months. I’d already applied for another job before she returned. When I told her this on Whatsapp, she asked why, and I made a flippant statement like, “You people are confusing; I don’t know what I’m doing here.” 

It hurt her a lot because apart from assuring me that we’d discuss how to navigate how I was feeling about work, she had been there for me.

For context, when I almost O’D’ed in May 2021, she got me help and took care of me. 

Overdosed? What happened?

I had come into the bank job with a lot of debt because I’d just moved from Abuja. So I had to get a place to stay. Thinking about it now, it was probably just ₦‎200 or ₦‎300k but it felt really overwhelming at the time. I also felt very alone. I was away from my family and had no friends in Lagos. My family was also requesting black tax, as always. 

How did your boss find out?

We followed each other on Instagram, and I used to post worrying content. My state of mind also affected my output; tasks that typically take a day or two took two weeks. 

One day, she texted me on  my WhatsApp and said she noticed what I posted on Instagram and offered to get me help. I broke down because I didn’t even know that someone would see that something was wrong. She paid for a session with a psychiatrist, and I was placed on medication.

What were you diagnosed with?

Depression. I’ve had depression since I was 14. It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. 

Also read: Growing up with a pastor mum was hard

Can we talk about that?

I grew up with my dad’s family in Port Harcourt. I had a step-mum because my mum and dad had separated when I was born, and my mum stayed in Bayelsa. 

There was a lot of verbal abuse, and my stepbrother used to try to sexually assault me at night. Nobody ever did anything about it. My step mum once said to me, “If you wear shorts to sleep as I told you, he won’t try to touch you.” 

I often ran away, and they’d find me and bring me back. She’d beat the shit out of me, all the works. I was around nine or ten years old.

I’m so sorry. What about your dad?

I never told him. He was barely around because he was into illegal oil bunkering, so he never noticed. I think the only time he noticed something was off was when my step-mum accused me of stealing her money. He asked me if I took the money and I said no, then he made a comment, “Children like this end up being the best people.” I don’t know what he meant, but I interpreted it to mean, “They’re maltreating you now, but tomorrow you’ll be alright.” That hurt because he was supposed to protect me.

Because of all that trauma growing up, I was already very depressed. I’ve been suicidal for a long time, but I I was just too scared to do anything about it. 

Let’s go back to your boss’ help in 2021 

I felt very safe and heard with her, and I didn’t need to do anything extra. My boss said it was something I’d been battling for a long time, and I’d never really gotten a plan for recovery, so she wanted to get me all the help I needed, both therapy and medication. 

Did the medication help?

The jury’s still out on whether they work. What helped me was being seen and heard, not necessarily the medication. 

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Fair enough. So what happened when you fell out with your boss?

She told me that she blamed herself because it meant she couldn’t clearly communicate her vision for the team. She was also surprised because it felt like she was doing her best to carry me along. 

Now I wanted to see what it was like in other teams, so I moved from marketing to the product team. It broke my boss because she felt like it was personal. We didn’t have a fight, but there had been a back and forth for months, and towards the end of the 2021, she called me and told me she’d heard a lot of stuff I’d said to HR, and she was very disappointed.  It was an emotional conversation, but it also felt finallike “this is it.”

When she returned to the country, we eventually had a face-to-face conversation. I let her know it wasn’t personal, and I wasn’t lying to get ahead or trying to put her down. I just needed to move for me and the sake of my career. But by then, the damage was already done, and we were never that close again. 

So sorry

I left her team and joined another team; there was no going back. I was trying to get ahead with my work.

In 2022, I got admission into a school in Sweden and was up for a scholarship. But I stalled the application process because the school required a reference letter from my boss; but I had fallen out with the person I’d worked with for about a year and didn’t know how to approach my new boss. So I was in limbo until the deadline passed. That’s how I lost out on the scholarship. 

While this was going on, I was also in a situationship with a team member.

It just happened; we were on the same project, so we were always working together. We started talking, and things progressed from that. But it didn’t work out and ended badly.

Losing out on the scholarship and the end of my situationship took a toll on me. And I OD’d again. 

I had a lot of medication at home from my sessions the year before. So I sat down and opened all the drugs, removed them from their packs and started swallowing them in bits until I’d taken them all. 

I texted my older sister and told her I’d overdosed on my medication. Then I turned off my phone and stayed under the shower. She was out of town and couldn’t come but called a mutual friend who rushed to the house. He broke the door and rushed  me to my psychiatrist  — my sister had told him about it. 

When I woke up the next day, my new boss, a top management member from work were by my bedside. The mutual friend had called the office because he said when he took me to the hospital, my psychiatrist wasn’t around, but the other people there had made some statements about suicide being illegal in Nigeria, and he was afraid I’d be arrested. 

So he called my office and they came to take me out of the hospital that morning. We went to another hospital, and. I was admitted for three weeks. I saw a dozen psychiatrists and therapists. It felt like a prison, but with a lot of medication. 

I’m sorry, that sounds like a lot. Did you go back to work?

Not immediately. The entire month I was in the hospital, I was worried and kept thinking about work, but they said I couldn’t go. The psychiatrist consultant said he felt I didn’t understand the gravity of what I had done because I was very eager to go to the office, and that’s not how it works. I had to understand that trying to take my life wasn’t how to handle stuff when it got hard. That helped me through the treatment.

After I was discharged at the end of June, I spent one month at home, getting better. I went back to work in August. I never returned to the psychiatrist I was seeing,l , and they never reached out. I also never went back to any of my appointments at the new hospital. 

Why not?

I didn’t think it was effective for me. I also stopped my medication in July when I went back home. I felt like I’d always be on medication, and I didn’t want that. When I get withdrawal symptoms, I take one or two to ease the symptoms. Therapy and drugs don’t help. I’m still very depressed but I won’t try to kill myself again. 

So how are you doing now?

Now, I’m okay mentally. I’m in a better place. Maybe it’s the pep talks I have with myself; maybe it’s the weed. 

Haha

I started smoking when I got off my medication. I don’t like depending too much on anything, so I don’t smoke all the time, but it helps. I’m better now. 

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Tell us about your childhood

There was food and shelter, but emotional safety was missing. Whenever my mum came back from work, everyone would scramble because she was always angry about something. Sometimes I used to avoid even sitting in the living room because I might be sitting the wrong way, and she’d lash out.

That level of uncertainty led to anxiety, hypersensitivity, and over-analysing. I was always anxious about the smallest of things.

I’m assuming this affected your relationship with others, like your siblings?

I have three sisters, and our relationship is beautiful. We understand each other on many levels. I think we bonded over the trauma of living with a mum like ours. But I haven’t explored this conversation with them, to be honest. 

Let’s talk about your relationship with your mum

Growing up, like every Nigerian girl, you think your mum hates you at some point. Mine was even more intense because, as I said before, my mum is a pastor, and there were lots of religious and vigorous religious activities always going on in our house. It definitely played into my personality traits. The only friends I had were from church, I didn’t have many outside church. 

It was all very stressful; going to multiple churches, having pastors come in and out of the house, being a Christian, your parents having certain expectations of you. Now that I’m older, I sort of understand and sympathise with them because I recognise how difficult raising four girls must have been. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t their intention to create that kind of environment, but that was the result.

It was intense; there wasn’t a choice to be anything but a Christain girl. But even then, I didn’t believe in the patriarchy, I’d always questioned that. But life outside of religion was difficult for me to navigate, and still is. Now I ask questions about who I am outside of that very intense Christian upbringing, and sometimes I don’t have the answers. 

Now our relationship is a long-distance relationship. We touch base, but nothing too in-depth. I don’t feel like I can really talk to her, we’ve never had that type of relationship, but I recognise that she’s mum, and I know that if shit hits the fan, she’ll be there for me. 

How does your healing impact interactions with friends?

If I’m in a gathering with friends, I’m able to notice when I’m overextending myself or people-pleasing. I’m also reluctant to ask for help or accept it. It stems from being hyper-independent from a young age. I’m the firstborn; my sister (the middle sibling) has always been closer to my dad, and my mum was more concerned about my younger sister because she’s deaf, so she had special needs. I was mostly left to figure out myself and also take care of everybody else in a way. I was usually the one they’d ask about laundry or cooking. 

Growing up like that, you just get the sense that you’re your protector and provider. I guess that’s why it wasn’t too difficult for me to leave my parent’s house. I remember going to university and thinking, “Whew, this is nice!”

Being on my own has been my way of feeling like I have control over something. My therapist was telling me recently that I have to be okay with relying on people sometimes but also understand that they won’t always be able to come through for me.

Let’s talk about leaving home

In 2018, when I was 24, I moved to Ghana for a scholarship programme. I felt relief but also a little sad. Leaving family and friends was scary, but it also felt freeing. It was like breaking away from the pressures, the belief system, and just the environment. 

What belief system?

Christianity. My mum is a pastor and fervent Christain, so we were always in church or going for church programmes or hosting house fellowships. Being away from home and indoctrination, you’re faced with more in-depth interactions that aren’t coloured by religion. Sometimes you start to see the cracks in your existence. 

A big example is when I lived with my friend; we had a big fight, and it was about me not being able to express my needs and concerns because I avoided negative reactions. This stemmed from just trying not to make my parents angry, and that felt normal because, as a child, my life was easier if I could avoid it. But as an adult, I had to confront and work that out. 

So those interactions force you to see the places where there are issues and what you need to solve. I only started to recognise emotions for what they are when I moved away and had to interact with other people on many different levels. Growing up, emotions were always shut down because, in Christianity, you’re not allowed to be afraid as a child of god or feel anxiety or anything. In a religious setting, you’re either happy or sad, and if you’re sad, you have to go and pray. I remember my dad always saying, “You can’t be afraid because you’re a child of God.” But it never stopped me from feeling the fear, even though things usually worked out. So you never explore or confront what you’re afraid of or anxious about. 

Outside of the bubble of Jesus being your joy, you have to find happiness in yourself. You start to ask yourself what makes you happy etc. Being present in your own body and life helps you recognise all these things. So now I’m identifying and recognising emotions like anxiety and hypervigilance and stuff. They’ve always been there, but I now have the language for it. And I know there are other ways to exist. The biggest part of my healing journey is being able to recognise what is outside that bubble. 

So, I take it you’re no longer a Christian?

No, and it wasn’t an abrupt decision It took some time to get there and for me to even acknowledge it. Once I left home, there was less pressure to go to church, to pray, to do all these things. And that meant that sometimes I didn’t do these things, and I was okay. I didn’t get attacked by demons or anything of the sort. It was in the little things; for instance, if you dream about eating, the church would have told you that you’ve been poisoned spiritually and you have to pray, but I’ve had that dream, and nothing happened. I’m alive and well.

So as you shift away from that, you see that it’s not that deep. And you even start to question those beliefs. Sometimes you meet other people that are living life completely differently. For instance, one thing that intrigued me when it was still very early on when I first moved. I went for some sisters’ fellowship, and everybody was wearing trousers with nail extensions, they didn’t cover their hair, but I could see that they were very much rooted in their beliefs like other Christians. It was bizarre to me because I’m coming from a background where they’d have told those ladies that they were going to hell for wearing extensions, so it made me think about things differently. There was a lot of fear-mongering, and it felt like normal human things were things that would take you to hell and have horrible consequences.

You see things that help shape your narrative and change your mind. I’ve also been doing a lot of learning; like, I saw a TikTok about how Christianity is a colonisation technique. So I’m getting a lot of information from many places and making my own inferences. 

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How did your parents take it?

It was a disaster the first time we had that conversation. I came to Lagos to visit, and one day, said I wasn’t going to church. They sat me down and talked and talked. The fear-mongering came up, and one of our family pastors called me every week for two to three months until I eventually stopped picking up his calls. 

The second time around, I was much bolder, and said it was my decision. My dad was like, “What do you mean it’s your decision?” and I was like it’s just is. I don’t need to defend or explain it. And he was like, “Where is all this coming from, who have you been talking to?”  And I reminded him that I’m almost 30 and I can make my own decisions outside of other people. He asked if I was going to change my mind, and I said we’d see how it goes. 

I guess they have a fear of me missing heaven, and there’s also the idea that if you don’t stick to God’s plan, your life won’t turn out the way it’s supposed to. You could end up destitute or poor. I guess that’s what they’re afraid of. 

How has the healing affected your relationship with your partner?

It’s been helpful. Now some of the things I’m also aware of is seeing the patterns in other people. A lot of things happen because we fear vulnerability, because growing up, it wasn’t accepted with kindness or patience. And that shows up in different ways for different people. So now I tend to recognise it in my partner, and I can usually point it out and redirect the conversation to a healthy place. 

Due to the few things I have learnt (I’m no expert, please), I’m able to help him navigate his own hurt too. 

That’s sweet. What are the daily steps you take to make sure you don’t regress?

Regression is normal. Some days, I don’t have the bandwidth or capacity to do the exercises that are required to grow, and that feels like a regression. But it’s all part of the healing process. 

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What sort of exercises?

The most recent one is something called identifying and separating facts, feelings and sensations. I learnt it from this book I’m reading: Becoming Safely Embodied by Diedre Fay. 

So facts, feelings and sensation is essentially dealing with an upsetting or triggering event like this: you identify what the facts are, what you’re feeling and the sensations in your body. The idea is to write it all down, then circle the facts, and then underline the feelings and sensations. Then you read only the facts a few times. When I tried it, I found that the more I read the facts, the less intense the feelings. When I started to feel calmer, I went back to read the feelings attached to it and found it easier to work it out. 

What other tools do you use?

I spend like 15 minutes meditating every day in the mornings. I also try to focus on core wounds. For instance, if I’m feeling unsafe, I spend a few countering the belief system by stating the facts around it. So questions about safety in my job, my relationship, my finances, my career, emotionally and mentally. I list these things and just counter the feelings with these facts.

Another thing I do is: at the end of the day, I do something called guilt and shame journaling. I look back at my day and list the ways I felt guilty the point is to identify them and find the ways I’m innocent and the ways I’m being realistic in my expectations. For instance, if I’m feeling guilty about taking a nap because I was tired, I claim innocence because it happens sometimes, I’m only human.

I exercise and try to sleep, these two things are really helpful. Having routines are also very helpful. 

Any last things you want to share?

Self-development and self-healing work is hard. We all need support. It sounds nice to be self-aware, but it’s a lot of hard, painful work. But if I can see myself navigating life a lot calmer, more peaceful, more secure and just generally better, then it’s all worth it. 

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What was it like growing up in Edo state?

It was fun. I grew up in a town close to Irrua, my father’s village in Edo Central. Family was a huge part of my upbringing; I have five siblings, but there were always other people around, even people who weren’t family by blood. There’s a warmth that Edo people have. You might not necessarily agree with how people lived their lives, but you loved them anyway, despite their moral choices. 

What sort of moral choices?

Let me tell you a funny story. There was this family we were always intrigued by: they were step-siblings, but everyone got along nicely. The legend was that Mr A was sleeping with Mr B’s wife and vice versa. When they all found out, there was a huge scandal, and one of the couples had to move, but they eventually switched partners. So now, Mr A’s wife is with Mr B, and vice versa. 

Many girls I went to primary school with were pregnant for boys their age by the time they were 14 or 15. I never judged them. Of course, people would talk, but they were never ostracised because it happened often. It was also expected for the girl to move in with the boy’s family. That’s how many marriages started. 

You’d just hear, “Oh, this babe has gone to her husband’s house o.” Not because the bride price was paid, but because she got pregnant, and that was it. And these were young 16 to 17-year-olds, and sometimes, they got pregnant the first time they had sex.

So there’s value in investing in sex education in that part of the country

Absolutely. If anything pushed me into development communication, it was the fact that some things people term as “normal” can be prevented with better education. For instance, someone gets pregnant at 16 because they didn’t know they could get condoms. And despite how seemingly open the society is, they were ashamed to talk about it. 

The culture is also very brutal on women, specifically. I remember one day, we were driving home from school, and we saw a woman being paraded naked for adultery. Our driver said it needed to be done to prevent a curse on her household.

That’s awful. Did it affect your mindset?

That was a turning point for me. My feminism started because I saw a lot of marginalisation of women growing up. I’d see stuff and say, “God forbid.” 

When men beat their wives in public, people would say she probably offended him, she didn’t behave right, etc. The patriarchy is strong in these parts. The women who live in Edo are strong and outspoken, but the moment they’re with a man, it’s almost like all that they are exists to be a feather in a man’s cap. 

After I saw the woman who was paraded naked, I started reading books about Edo culture because I was curious to find out if what the driver said was true. I was very studious and serious about school, and reading and people kept saying to my dad that “I’ll marry a man, so he’s spending all that money just for a man to marry me.” It was all very misogynistic. 

Moving to Abuja in 2016 made me realise that women there could have more agency. A lot of the women I was told were bad women when I was growing up were just women who didn’t get married or want to remarry. The core of who I am, my feminism and belief in women’s rights was shaped by those experiences.

I guess it’s a microcosm of the larger Nigerian society.

But there were good parts, too: the most beautiful part about growing up in Edo state is that you’re never alone. Everybody is invested and cares about your success, and always tries to contribute. There’s a strong sense of community based on the fact that we know we’re a minority tribe. 

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Minority in what sense?

Edo state is one of the states where the people who speak the language live predominantly. For instance, Yoruba people are spread across different indigenous states and some other countries. The Edo language has about four main languages and 14 dialects. My father is Esan, while my mum is Bini. Although the groups are within the same state, they have different cultures. Another thing with Edo State is that you’re always in proximity to jazz whether you like it or not, so you have to be very prayerful. 

We’re Catholic, and my family is very prayerful, especially my mum. We’ve seen first-hand what jazz can do. People say they don’t believe in it, and that’s fine, but I’ve witnessed it. One thing about growing up in Edo state that shaped me is that even though I have first-hand experience, I’m not afraid of jazz. How we see it in my family is that people will try, but we believe it won’t work. It’s helped my Christian faith become stronger. Understanding that juju exists and people would go to any length made me a better believer. 

Do you remember a specific incident with juju?

Yes, I distinctly remember how my dad kept getting the urge to sell the house when I was 11. He talked about it constantly for about three months, which was odd because he had no reason to sell the house. My mum tapped me and told me it wasn’t ordinary and that we should go and meet God. My family doesn’t believe in jumping from pastor to pastor; we just open our Bibles and pray indoors. So we prayed and prayed, and one day, we heard that our neighbour was sick and had been for a while. It wasn’t unusual because she was an older woman in her 70s. One day, my parents decided to visit her just to check on her, and the next thing, people followed them back home and started helping them to cut down a plant. 

When I asked my mum, she said the woman was glad they came and that she would’ve come but was too sick to move. She said that she was angry that we bought the land from someone in her family she didn’t like, so she wanted us to be frustrated and leave it by force. 

She asked my dad if he’d felt the urge to sell the land, and he said yes. She said she was the one who did it but hadn’t had peace of mind since then. She had broken some sort of code of conduct. If you’re from a certain place, you can’t do juju against people from certain villages because your ancestors might have been siblings and all that. 

Meanwhile, the bigger the plant grew, the bigger my dad’s urge to sell the house. When they plucked it out, my father stopped talking about selling. The experience was surreal to me. It didn’t make sense that a plant was linked to someone’s mind. I kept saying, “This doesn’t make sense, ” and my mum was laughing at me. 

That’s crazy. Was there ever a time when you realised how you grew up was different?

My father was insistent on us travelling a lot, so we used to travel out of the state and country, but in short bursts, and we never travelled without family. So the first time I left Edo state for an extended time was when I went to Abuja for NYSC in 2016. The things that make you different aren’t apparent until you’re far from home and by yourself. It wasn’t until Abuja that I realised I’d grown up differently. 

The first culture shock was that my voice was very loud. People used to tell me I was shouting whenever I spoke. On the other hand, I used to wonder why people were whispering instead of speaking out or why they cowered when trying to make points. It was different from the way we communicated back home. 

In Edo, people are confident; they speak their minds without fear. Conversations were always about being confident and knowing that the other person is secure in themselves. There’s always room for debate, storytelling and general expression. People could disagree with you without being seen as malicious. In fact, cowering while speaking was seen as a reason to distrust you because why are you avoiding eye contact? Why are you shaking? Are you lying? Are you spineless?

What else did you notice?

Another thing that was odd to me was that people were very judgmental. Not that we don’t gossip where I’m from, but for instance, if a girl got pregnant, people would talk and stuff, but there was always a helping hand. 

And a lot of people were barely close to their extended families. They cut family members off easily. It was fascinating to me because people behave like they don’t know what a mistake looks like. Even if you don’t agree with people, you don’t cut them off completely. I don’t have to agree with you to love you. I don’t believe in cutting people off. 

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So you never cut people off?

Not immediately. There are people who’ve done crazy things to me, but I have my way of dealing with it. I give them space, but they’d never doubt my love for them. 

I had a friend who had a whole relationship with my man. I only found out because she got tired of him and threw him under the bus. It was jarring for me because I’m so happy-go-lucky. I talk everything out; it’s another thing I learnt from home. So I called her, and we talked it out. 

I asked questions, and her answers made me realise that I didn’t want that kind of person close to me at that time in my life. So I kept a distance for three years. 

One day, she called me, and we spoke at length. I could see that she had grown, and so had I. That’s the caveat for me; once I can see you’ve changed and evolved, I’m open to renegotiating the terms of our relationship. We’re not best friends like we used to be years ago, but we’re still way more than acquaintances. 

The only people I don’t talk to anymore are people who promise change and don’t change. The way my brain works, it doesn’t remember the person until someone mentions them. But if I see they’re evolving, and doing the hard work, I give them space and then renegotiate the terms of my relationship with them when they’re in a better place. 

That’s fair. Your upbringing is a factor in that, for sure. 

Yes. I grew up being able to separate people from the actions they take. I know it’s flawed, but it’s my way. We are a sum of our actions, and we should be held accountable for them. That said, I find it useful to know what the motivation for the action was. So that as you’re facing punishment, you know you are not alone, and there is room for redemption if you decide to evolve. People are not just one way, and life is not black and white. 

For example, I had a relative living in our house, who was really mean. When we were strapped for cash, and she had money, she’d lock herself in her room to eat. One day I asked why, and she told me all the horrible things that had happened to her. How different men got her pregnant and left her, and how even the kids don’t talk to her anymore because they believe she intentionally kept them from their fathers. I had more empathy for her after hearing her story and realised that she was mean because she was lonely. 

I’ve learnt to separate people from their actions, especially their mistakes. The concept of people being multi-dimensional was very evident in the type of people I grew up around. I know people who are cultists and still the sweetest, kindest, people who’d always answer my questions when I was younger. They deserve to go to jail for their crimes, but they don’t deserve for their humanity to be stripped off them. 

While growing up, I saw people make mistakes over and over again, and still reinvent themselves. I don’t discard people based on mistakes. And that’s who I am. 

For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

Fair enough. Do you think your environment influences your work too?

For sure. I grew up in a small town, and apart from travel — which my father insisted on — the only other conduit between me and the world was the media. I was also always inquisitive and sought clarity all the time.

The most interesting thing, though, was that I saw firsthand how hard it was for my community to get the infrastructure it needed because of broken systems. So, I began to challenge those systems and did a mini-speaking tour, and eventually, I started some community reporting and decided to pursue it. Everyone assumed I’d study law because of this, but it never felt like a fit for me. My choice to pursue development journalism came from realising that communities need people who understand the intricacies of their layered lives to report them.

There’s context behind every behavioural pattern, and there is work that needs to be done to put young people in communities on the right path, and the media is the perfect tool for this.

Agreed. Any final words?

Stop stereotyping Edo babes. Just stop it, abeg. Someone hears you are from Edo and thinks the most, but there are different personalities within tribes.

Also, I find it fascinating that when people hear “I grew up in a small town”, they imagine Africa Magic Epic, when in reality, my town looked loads better than the places most people live in within big cities. 

My siblings and I were always disappointed when we visited a Nigerian city, and it had so many slums. In Irrua, we didn’t see slums. I think people even build their best houses in small towns and villages, but what do I know? 

Also read: I Couldn’t Bond With My Mum Because of My ADHD

Find out more here.

It was the evening of Friday, the 16th of June, 2023, I’d spent roughly three hours in traffic trying to get to Victoria Island. I was in a chipper mood though, eating boiled groundnuts and gisting with two of my colleagues as we navigated the insanity of Lagos roads. Nothing could ruin my mood because I was on my way to Terra Kulture to see Wande Coal do magic with his voice at the Trace Live event. 

When we finally arrived at 7:30 p.m., the place was teeming with people, all bright-eyed, anticipating the inevitable insanity of a night with Wande Coal’s music. You could feel the anticipation in the air. 

Opposite the registration stand where people were getting their tags, there was a wall on which people could sign their names. So I grabbed a red marker from one of the ushers and signed: “Zikoko!”

Free drinks from Legend (the beer, not Wande himself, unfortunately,) Pepsi and Lord’s Gin were flowing. When the doors finally opened at 8, we trooped into the hall, to find DJ Tough already playing. The crowd’s excitement doubled, becoming almost palpable, as people started dancing and gearing up for Wande Coal’s appearance. 

After DJ Tough’s 20 minutes set, the hosts — stand-up comedians, Lasisi and Pencil — came on stage to welcome us. They had the crowd laughing at their antics as an artist, Oje Ohis, live-painted a portrait of Wande Coal in less than five minutes.

As even more people poured into the already full room, music promoter and hypeman, Shody, came on stage to get us ready for the Black Diamond. Not a single soul was seated as the combination of his hype skills, and dance moves and DJ Consequence’s music mixing got our excitement to a near frenzy. 

The drinks were hitting, everyone was dancing, and the vibe was so right, we knew it was almost time to see the Black Diamond. And sure enough, when our excitement was like something alive, Shody announced Wande Coal to loud cheers from the packed room. I’m sure mine was the loudest.

After thanking us for coming out to see him (I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, Wande please DKM) the Black Diamond performed a song from his latest album Legend or No Legend. Then he serenaded us with Ololufe and a delightful acoustic version of Booty Call. The crowd went wild as the soft beats of So Mi So and the bold instrumentals of Amorawa and Kpe Paso came on. We lost our minds when we heard the band play tunes like Pere, Kiss Your Hand and Bumper to Bumper from his iconic Mo’Hits days. 

He had such a beautiful sync with his backup singers and the instrumentalists, reminding us what a talented and fantastic performer Wande Coal is. I sang along loudly to every song that came on, gladly losing my voice in the process. 

The Trace Live with Wande Coal thrilled all of us and was over way too soon, with everyone reluctant to leave the electrifying atmosphere we’d all been a part of. The Trace Live show is monthly though, and I can’t wait for the next one!

How did you get into unconventional spirituality?

I like to call it “alternative spirituality” because it’s outside of conventional religious practices.

I’ve always been a spiritual person. When I was six years old, I dreamt that my mum was pregnant with a boy, and the details are no longer clear, but the instruction was to name him David.

So did you tell her? How did she take it?

She laughed it off because she didn’t even know she was pregnant at the time. Also, I was a child. What do children know about pregnancies? But when she found out she was pregnant a few weeks later, she was happy and told everyone in church that her daughter was a seer. When she gave birth to my brother, she named him David. 

That was a foundational experience that really drummed into me that there’s a world beyond what we see. 

Did you have more experiences like that?

I’ve always had dreams and feelings, and they often come true. My primary gift is claircognizance. I just know stuff. I didn’t have a name for any of these things though until I got into secondary school. 

In secondary school. I saw a couple of things about my zodiac sign in my older cousin’s slum book, and the 11-year-old me was hooked because it was so fascinating. 

I made a copy of her slum book with all the information about the zodiac signs, and when I got back to school, I shared what I’d learned with my friends. We began discussing astrology, art, spirituality and everything in between — very thrilling, often hilarious conversations.

How did this interest solidify? 

Sometime in 2019 or 2020, I was 20 and in love with someone who was a Libra. I’d had crushes on people I thought I was in love with before, but they paled in comparison to what I felt for this person. And because of how I am, I wanted to know why it felt so different, so I started digging. 

At this time, I wasn’t into sun-sign astrology, which most people do, I’d delved into things like birth charts. 

But it was still a casual interest until I met this person.

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Your experience with this person was a turning point then? 

Definitely. I wanted to know why it was different with this person, so I went on the internet and did some research. I discovered something called “synastry”. This is basically when you place two charts on top of each other to see how they interact and intersect. 

So synergy + astrology: synastry?

Yes, synastry is a branch of astrology. Simply put, synastry is the astrology of relationships. He was a Libra, I’m a Pisces, and I was interested in our compatibility. Then we stopped seeing each other. 

Oh no, why?

He didn’t see me the same way I saw him, and finding that out was very difficult for me because I already suffered from abandonment trauma. My dad died when I was very young and because I was closer to him than I was to mum, my anchor parent was gone. It felt like the most unfair thing in the world. 

So growing up, I tried to compensate for the love I’d lost with different kinds of relationships — friendships and sexual relationships. Of course, that didn’t go well. 

What happened after things ended with the Libra?

I went into a spiritual wormhole. I spent a lot of time on YouTube, watching tarot girlies talk about how the person you love will come back and you’ll be together again. Some of these readings capitalise on the fears and weaknesses of those who watch them.

I spent so much time on those tarot reading videos that, soon enough, I noticed a switch. I became more interested in the cards than the messages. This was around late 2019 to early 2020. After the pandemic, I got a free printable tarot deck from the internet and printed it out at Doculand in Ikoyi. 

After that, I made a conscious decision to stop watching the YouTube videos, though, because I was starting to sound crazy. 

Sound crazy to whom?

Myself. I have a Virgo Moon, so I’m very self-aware. I don’t like feeling like anything or anyone has power over me. That’s the real reason why I quit watching those desperate YouTube tarot readings. 

At first, I practised for myself and didn’t do readings for anyone, except a few friends here and there. I also let them know I was still learning through courses and personal research. 

Since I started, I’ve had affirming experiences. Like every spiritual journey, this requires you to have faith and trust that you’re on the right path. Not everyone has the Damascus experience Paul had in the Bible, you know, where God arrests you and stuff like that. Most of us have little affirming experiences like David, Moses or Abraham. 

Take the survey here.

Is astrology linked to Christianity in any way?

Tarot, astrology and all the other stuff I practise are open-ended practices. Anybody is free to practice them. I believe in God, in what Jesus did on the cross. 

When did you decide to make it a full-blown practice?

In late 2020, when I was working at an international art fair, I did astrology readings for people in my office and saw how beautiful those experiences were for them. It was the same thing with my friends. I was excited to share the gifts with more people.  

My practice has kept me grounded because it gives clarity into who I am and what my purpose is. And I think it’s important to share that with the world because we don’t have many of those kinds of spiritual communities here.

Tell me about your music

I’ve always loved music. Growing up, I sang in choirs and I played instruments like the piano, recorder and violin.

I began writing the music I wanted to record after my grandmother died in late 2018. Shortly after, I met the Libra.

My music and spiritual practice have developed simultaneously. I write, record, and conceptualise my music while growing in my spirituality and trying to make sense of it. My EP took four years to complete. Two years of writing and another two years of recording. I was intentional about it. There are strong religious and spiritual motifs in my music. That time was a defining period in my life. I like to call it a blossoming.

My EP is about retrograde motions. In astrology, retrogrades are about a time when you look back and regress. When a planet is in retrograde, it moves backwards. It appears to go backwards on an axis from where we are here on Earth. And retrograde periods are periods where we can redo, you can do it again. I designed the EP in a way that you have to listen to it from track five to track one, sort of working backwards.

What’s it like interacting with Nigerians about alternative spirituality? 

It’s been interesting and funny. Both funny ha-ha and funny weird. Some people learn about my spiritual experiences and are intrigued. Some people are quick to reject it because they don’t understand it. But my practice isn’t separate from Christianity; God is integral in everything I do.

When I explain this to people, they’re usually more accepting of it. I help them understand that the things God has put on earth are meant to aid and guide you be it herbs or crystals. 

Tell me about herbs and crystals. Are they part of the astrology work too?

Astrology is just one of the things I practice. I also practise the mystical uses of herbs, tarot readings, using crystals and stuff. I learnt about them at the same time I got into tarot reading. I learnt about herbs, candle work and how to use your natural environment to enhance your physical and spiritual experience. 

How do tarot cards, herbs and crystals work?

Herbs have been used for mystical and medicinal purposes for thousands of years. Certain herbs have certain properties, so when you combine them, they yield different results. And they’re usually typical associations. If you’ve ever wondered why roses are associated with love, it’s because, on the mystical side of life, we use roses for various kinds of love work. Not just in finding romantic love, but also self-love. Lavender is for peace, and it can also be a cleansing herb. 

Crystals also have different meanings and things they’re associated with, but they don’t work like herbs do. Crystals are seen as living beings, so when you get a crystal, what you need to do is program your crystal with an intention or affirmation. You tell the crystal what you want it to do for you. 

If you have a rose quartz crystal, for instance, and you want to feel more loving towards yourself, you can use an affirmation. You program the crystal by saying the affirmation a couple of times, and then, you wear the crystal or keep it in a space where you can be in its vibrational field. You need to be very nice to your crystals because if you don’t treat them properly, they go missing.

How? 

They disappear. In my practice, I’ve seen crystals disappear for two reasons. It’s either you’re not utilising it, which means you’re not ready for the crystal, and it has gone to meet someone who’s ready for it. 

Or the crystal has done the work it needs to do. So it’ll either get conveniently missing, or you’ll feel moved by your intuition to gift it to someone else. 

Intuition is something that comes into play a lot, right?

Your intuition is key, especially when you’re a spiritual worker like myself. I’ve been able to hone my intuition to a point where I can interact with it on levels the average person might not be able to. Intuition is how you segue into things like intuitive gifts or patterns. Like I said earlier, my intuitive gift is claircognizance. And a bit of clairsentience.

What do these things mean?

Claircognizance is the gift of knowing. I could be speaking to a person and some information just drops in my spirit and I get exact context into what they’re talking about. With clairsentience, I can feel physical and emotional sensations related to messages I’m receiving from people. I feel these a lot when I’m doing astrology or tarot readings. 

One time, I did a reading for someone and when I started shuffling the cards, out of nowhere, I was slapped with this huge wave of horniness. And I’m like, wait, I wasn’t feeling any of this five seconds ago. If you’re feeling a certain emotion for the person or situation you’re inquiring about when I’m doing a reading, I feel that emotion too.  

I have just a little bit of clairvoyance and clairaudience as well, but those usually happen when I’m asleep or in between meditative states. Clairaudience is hearing ringing and bells, pressure in ears and stuff like that. I feel these sensations when I go to places that are spiritually charged. But my clairvoyance is mostly in dreams.

Like when you dreamt about your brother

Yes, exactly. Even though dreams can be weird and funny, some dreams are very clear. They tell me what directions I should be taking or clear messages for people.

What about tarot cards? 

Tarot cards are a divination tool. I shuffle them while asking Spirit the questions the clients have and choose the cards that fall out of the deck. Then I interpret the meaning of the cards for the client. 

Since you started sharing your spiritual gifts, what has been your most affirming experience?

A lot of people come to me to find out about relationships and love. I have a client who lives in the UK. She came to me in August 2022 and wanted what I call a prayer divination — I pray and try to find answers about something that’s going on in the person’s life. 

She asked questions about her potential partner, how she would identify him and know he was the one. A few months later, she came back and said everything (Spirit) said came true.  I was like, “Wow”. I was very excited about the review. 

Please, tell me they’re married now

No, but I do have a client who got married after a love reading. They were not in a good place and Spirit  advised them to take a break and focus on themselves. We had this conversation in March 2022, and I think they ended up getting married that same year. This is why I love tarot. It’s so beautiful and affirming, but it’s not all love and light.

How so?

As a practitioner, there are certain things I cannot do. I don’t do any substances. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke.  I’m 100% sober 100% of the time. Some practitioners are not as strict as I am, but I recognise the kind of person I am.  I’m a very spiritual person. I’m also selective of the people I sleep with. I’ve been celibate for a minute. 

I cleanse, meditate, read and study a lot. I have to be in tip-top shape physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in case anyone needs spiritual or communal support from me. I’ve experienced spiritual and psychic attacks before.

How?

In 2021, I had a client I shouldn’t have done a reading for. Spirit always tries to warn you; you’d feel unsettled or uncomfortable. I was still new in my practice, so I didn’t listen. The client asked about a romantic situation, and the answer she got was not what she wanted. She unfollowed me, but I’d still see her lurking on my page, viewing my stories and stuff.  

I started feeling very frazzled and jittery. I wasn’t as grounded as I used to be, so I just caught on that she was sending me some evil eye. I cleansed and felt better.  

You have to be in tip-top shape. This is a path that requires you to be exceedingly responsible and of service because you’re not a spiritual worker for yourself. You’re a spiritual worker for the people around you, who have access to you.

Any regrets about choosing this path?

No. I would always choose the metaphysical mami path. In the beginning, I was scared to embrace it because we live in a world where most people think seeing is believing, but I’m glad I did pursue it. 

I acknowledge that it’s an unconventional path and requires a few sacrifices in my personal life, but the joy of being able to be a healer to the people around me is incomparable. I’m thankful to my angels, benevolent ancestors and guides for helping me along my journey. And to God for giving me my gifts. 

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Let’s start from the top. When did you first learn about ADHD?

I first came across ADHD in a book I read when I was younger and could relate to one of the characters. I was like, “I feel like I have this”. And I always had that at the back of my mind, but I wasn’t really sure what it was because I didn’t have access to the internet then, so I couldn’t exactly Google it. 

But growing up, I just always had a feeling that I wasn’t quite like other kids. In school, I was always playful and distracted and struggled with focusing on classwork. I thought that was just being a child, but then I went to secondary school, and it was like that too. My classwork grades suffered because I could never focus enough to get things done. I only did well during exams after studying last minute. 

When were you diagnosed?

The first time I spoke to a therapist about it was in 2018. He was the first therapist I saw, but it wasn’t because of ADHD, it was because I was depressed. After we spoke about my depression, I told him I think I might also have ADHD. He didn’t do a test; he just said, “I don’t think you have it because you did well in secondary school, graduated early and got good results. He said it wasn’t possible. 

At the time, I didn’t ask any further questions because he was a professional, so I assumed he knew better. But he did diagnose me with an anxiety disorder and depression. It wasn’t until 2021 that I got diagnosed with ADHD. I spoke to another therapist who asked me a few questions and told me I had it. Then while interacting with a client from work (a licensed therapist) about an ADHD project I was working on, they confirmed it. 

I could relate to so many of the things she was saying about ADHD and even used stuff I struggle with as examples. She was like, “You clearly have ADHD”. So from the therapists I spoke to and the questions they asked me, I was diagnosed and it was confirmed.

Then I went into deep research and found that I could relate to a lot of the things I read about, especially the inattentive ADHD type. I’d watch TikTok videos relating to ADHD and feel like they were talking about me. 

You mentioned anxiety and depression earlier. Tell me about that

I’ve always been aware of my anxiety. I just didn’t have the language for it.

I was always overly worried about the smallest things in ways that would affect me to the point where I wouldn’t be able to think properly. Concentrating was hard; I would even get headaches sometimes. I used to panic a lot. I was dating somebody who once told me: “One thing about you is that you worry too much.”  And it was true. I also used to assume the worst, and was paranoid all the time. One time, I had a headache and was so sure I had a brain tumour.

How did you go about getting help for your depression?

I was living with my aunt, and she noticed I kept to myself a lot, and was barely talking to anyone. One day, I sent my aunties a voice note about having suicidal thoughts. One of them is a pastor in the UK, so she prayed for me. The auntie I was living with could see something was wrong, so they came together and decided to get me professional help.

I saw the therapist for the first time in a clinic owned by a family member, and he asked me a lot of questions. My auntie went with me and also spoke to the therapist. And the next day, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, and put me on meds. This was in 2018.  

You haven’t mentioned your parents at all. What about them?

I’ve never had a close-knit nuclear unit. My mum lives in Edo state, and my dad is in Europe. He’s been there for a long time. I was born there as well. He and my mum never married; they just met there and had me, and we all lived together for a bit. But when I was about eight years old, my mum brought me back to Edo state. I lived there with her for about a year until my paternal grandmother came to pick me up and brought me to Lagos.

So I grew up with my grandma and my dad’s youngest sister. They took care of me as best as they could, sent me to the best schools and gave me everything I needed. My grandma is late now. She died in 2015. But I grew up with her for the longest time. I was very close to her, so her death hit me really hard. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. When was the last time you saw your mum?

When I was 16. That was the first and last time she came to Lagos to see me. She tried to keep in contact as much as possible. When I didn’t have a phone, she’d call my grandma or auntie. And when I had a phone, she’d call me a lot.

I tried my best to connect with her, but it wasn’t easy for me because she wasn’t somebody I spent a lot of time with. I think she gave up at some point because I haven’t spoken to her in almost three years. 

Do you think the ADHD affected your relationship with her?

Yes. For sure. For people with ADHD, it’s harder to connect with people who we don’t see or talk to often. My mum and I weren’t really talking, so the less I interacted with her, the more I forgot her. I get overwhelmed with phone calls, which made me avoid hers. There was just a lot of communication imbalance until she eventually stopped trying. 

Do your aunties know about you having ADHD too?

The one I live with knows. The pastor in the UK and the other one don’t. The one I live with only found out because I wrote about it, and she saw it.

She doesn’t understand the severity of it; she doesn’t know that the way my brain functions is different from neurotypicals. And I haven’t really tried explaining it to her because I just don’t have the strength. 

Are you in a relationship? How does ADHD affect your relationship with your partner?

Yes, and it does. A lot. I think my current relationship helped me understand things about my ADHD I didn’t notice before. For example, how I always assume the worst. There was one time he didn’t get back from work at the usual time he does, and he wasn’t picking up his phone. I panicked. I called his friend, and his friend called his sister. When he finally got home, it was a whole thing because he couldn’t understand why 30 minutes would cause such a fuss.  

It wasn’t until I did some more research that I found out it’s an ADHD thing. Another thing is how I feel things deeply and react quickly.

One time we’d had a fight the night before, but we’d sorted it out. The next day, he didn’t text me first like he usually would, and I got so upset. I just assumed he was still upset about the fight. Meanwhile, he’d been having a crazy morning, woke up late, got to work late, got thrown into a meeting and got thrown into a major work task. And I was just there thinking he didn’t want to talk to me. So I made a big deal out of it. 

Now, I count to 10 or I think about different scenarios first before reacting. I still slip up because I’m only human, but I’m trying now.

So he knows about your ADHD. Is he supportive? 

I told him on our first date in early 2022 because I needed to know if it was something he could handle. But it was harder in the beginning, with me always losing things, my time blindness, my inability to sleep, reacting quickly and all that. 

There was a time I even felt like my ADHD was too much for him. I came up with a document that had a list of links on how you can help a partner with ADHD. I felt like he hadn’t done research on it, and I wanted to help him out a bit. The list included TikTok videos, articles, etc. But when I told him, he misunderstood and thought I was asking him to do all the work. It caused a lot of friction. I had to explain that I was doing work on my own, but I also wanted to show him how he could support me in the relationship. 

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How long ago was this? Is he more supportive now?

This was the middle of 2022. He’s a lot more supportive now. He talked about us doing therapy together so he can understand deeper, especially before we get married. 

My ADHD is not too much for him if he’s willing to go to therapy with me. He also does little things that make it easier. For example, he tries to keep things where I’d easily find them. He knows I usually misplace my AirPods. So if he sees them in the bathroom or something, he just puts them where I’d easily find them.

I’m glad you have that. Has ADHD affected your work in any way? 

That’s where it’s really hard, honestly, so I wing it. Especially because I work in a fast-paced environment where there are a lot of big tasks. With ADHD, it takes a lot of energy to focus.

Sometimes, I just want to lie down and not do my tasks until the last minute because it’s too overwhelming. That’s how almost every day at work goes. But I push myself. I use the fact that I don’t want to get fired, and I want a promotion, to do my job well. 

I have time blindness — I often think I have time when I don’t. So when I wait till the very last minute then just rush through it, something else in my life suffers for it, like me not getting enough sleep. 

I switched roles recently, and work is more exciting now. That makes it easier. Monotonous tasks are the worst for a person with ADHD, but my role allows for a lot of excitement.  This is another thing about having ADHD, you’re interested in so many things. I’ve had many hobbies and done quite a few things in my life. I’ve done makeup. There was a time I wanted to start selling smoothies. Another time, I was so sure I would become a business consultant. I even started my own digital magazine.

Would you say that’s an advantage of having ADHD? Just being interested in and being able to do many things?

It can be an advantage or disadvantage. An advantage because you always have great ideas; you’re always learning something new. You can find creative ideas in the smallest things. But I start something, find out the nitty-gritty of what it takes to do it and just lose interest. 

Sometimes, it’s hard to find what you’re passionate about; there’s no way to be sure it’s not just another exciting project that’d last a few months. I always need excitement, and I’m learning to find it in as many things as I can. 

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