The subject of today’s Man Like is David I. Adeleke, a 27-year-old writer, communications strategist and media analyst. He talks about moving a lot as a child, how that affected him and growing up in a family where gender roles weren’t a thing.

What was growing up like for you?

I grew up in a Christian home, so I was taught certain values. A lot of these values still guide the way I live my life now even though my parents and I interpret and understand the Bible differently. But the values they taught me — love your neighbour —  still guide how I live my life today. 

My family also moved around a lot. Each time, we’d leave behind friends, schools, businesses and just move.

Why did you move that much?

My dad was a pastor, so he moved around a lot.

How did that affect you? 

When you move around that often, you start to adapt in specific ways. One way I adapted was that it became easy for me to connect with new people. But it also made it easy for me to move on from people. And because I grew up in a nomadic family and made friends easily, I moved on from people without nostalgia. It was what my life demanded but also a coping mechanism.

How has that shaped your relationships now as an adult?

It has done a lot of damage to me. People would become attached to me in ways I was incapable of reciprocating. That didn’t mean I didn’t like them. For me, it was just another relationship; or them, it could mean a lot. And maybe it meant something to me, but in the grand scheme of things, it would be just another relationship. 

You’re married now, what has that been like?

I’ve never had to face my flaws as much as I do now. 

When you know you’re going to be with someone for the rest of your life, you have to let them in. This means letting them into places and aspects of your personality you’d not have liked to. It’s ugly because your partner then starts to see how flawed you are, and you’re forced to acknowledge some of these flaws.

How long have you been married now?

One year and two days.

Oh, congratulations!

Thanks!

What does being a man mean to you?

I don’t know what it means to be a “man.”  I grew up in a home where my dad was there and my mum was there. But I never bought into the idea that a man is supposed to do this or a woman is supposed to do that. Maybe it was there, I just never noticed it. Of my parents, my dad was the better cook. In my house, I think I’m the better cook, and I’m the one who likes to cook more. So when people try to tell me what a man should or shouldn’t do, I’m like, I don’t give a shit. 

I can also be effeminate. One time, while attending a conference, I mentioned my relationship to a lady I met there. She was like “Wait, what?!You have a girlfriend?” 

Wait, she thought you were gay?!

And that’s not the first time. I’m used to comments like that.  

Can I ask you a random question?

Sure.

What’s something you spend a lot of money on regularly? 

Shoes. And most recently, high fashion. I buy a lot of sneakers. I like to change my sneakers now and then. Also, nice blazers and nice traditional wears. I also like food. I spend a lot of money on food. I like to think that when I become a billionaire, I’ll  be going to a nice restaurant every other day. I like eating well.

In order of interest, I’d say shoes, fine dining and clothes. And as much as possible, I like to give. At least 30% of my income goes out to other people. 

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What was your first sexual experience?

My very first sexual experience was with my first boyfriend. I was in SS3, and we had been dating since SS2. I was convinced we would grow old together, marry etc. We had sex twice and then suddenly, he told all his friends and before I knew it, I had a reputation. It felt like a Nollywood movie.

What type of reputation?

I became known as this ashawo that was easy to get. I felt betrayed because I felt I shared something special, but to him I was a conquest. His friends started making passes at me. It was annoying and disgusting. 

That sucks. Did that shape your perception of sex?

It made me view sex as something you gave men and something that devalued you. For a long time, I refused to have casual sex even when I wanted to and was attracted to the man.

When I was in university, I was a hot babe.The men around me still acted the same. You’ll have sex with them, they’ll tell all their friends and call you an easy target.  I started playing hard to get. I was also very careful with who I slept with.

Why was that?

The first person I slept with in university, without protection mind you because I was stupid and naive, gave me a mild STD and then told my friend while flirting with her that I forced myself on him even though it was her he liked. I felt so disgusted with myself.

I’m so sorry.

Yeah. I decided to avoid sleeping with people who knew or were friends with people I moved around with. I slept with non-students and only non-African men. 

Oh?

I should add that I went to school in Canada. 

Got it. How did that work out?

If you are a non-African who is not a student, chances are you won’t be friends with African students. They were far removed from my world and my social group, so I could have casual sex with them, do everything and not be bothered about what they had to say. Their gossip didn’t affect my life, social standing or how people viewed me. 

Smart move.

I thought so too! To the people in my social group, I was this fine babe who was doing well in school but no one knew who she was dating or sleeping with. People made assumptions, and rumours spread but no one could confirm them. The only people who knew who I was sleeping with were me, my best friend and some men I can’t name who have probably never stepped into Nigeria.

So that system of sleeping with people far removed from you never failed you?

It didn’t till I returned to Lagos, the land where everyone knows everyone.

Lmao. What was it like returning to Lagos with your system of hooking up?

So the thing with Lagos is that there are a very small group of men that are good looking enough for you to have sex with and most of them are gay. 

LMAO.

So what you are left with is a smaller group and chances are that you know them or they know your friends.

What scares you about sleeping with people that you know?

I have huge trust issues. I don’t trust men in particular. My image matters a lot to me. The idea of people looking at me and thinking “she’s a whore” or “she’s easy”, makes me feel devalued. It makes me feel like a bad person who isn’t all that.

Having sex in Lagos was hard. For a while, I was celibate. When I finally started having sex again, it was with someone I thought I could trust to have sense. Three weeks later, a friend of that guy DMed me and tried to strike up a conversation. I expected him to let it go when I made it clear that I wasn’t interested. He didn’t. Then I realised his friend had probably told this person that he got to bed me without much of a hassle so this person figured I was easy and wanted to try their luck.

Did you confirm that it was the case?

I didn’t bother. It seems like paranoia, but I’ve been in that position enough times to trust my gut feeling.

Fair enough. Has it gotten better?

Yeah, it has. 

What changed?

As corny as it sounds, I fell in love.

Tell me about that.

He’s Jamaican, and we were supposed to be a hookup because he didn’t know my friends. Turns out, I was wrong. He has friends here.

At first, I was irritated by it. You know when in romance movies and books, the heroine hates the good-looking romantic male lead but he keeps chasing her. That’s what happened. The sex was great, and it kept happening. One day, six months into what had turned into a relationship, I told him why I hadn’t wanted anything serious to happen with us. 

How did he react?

At first, he looked like he thought I was stupid then he said he understood. We had more conversations about it. He asked if I was okay depriving myself of experiences because of how people whose perception of me can’t affect my life perceive me? I think that jolted something in me.

Has your idea or mindset regarding how people view you changed?

I think it has changed a lot. For one, I started introducing my partner to my friends. Before, I wouldn’t do that because I was scared of them breaking up with me and people talking. My life feels joyous now. It’s crazy.

What’s your sex life like now?

Sex with my partner has always been great. Two and a half years in, and it’s still great.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate your sex life?

A very solid 9 and only because 10 belongs to Rihanna.

5. University of Nigeria, Nsukka.

Founded by Dr Nnamdi Azikwe in 1955, the University of Nigeria did not formally open till the 7th of October 1960. UNN has the distinction of being the first autonomous university within the country which made it easy for it to secure a position in the country’s educational history. 

4. Covenant University

In any conversation about the best universities in Nigeria, as well as the best private universities, Covenant University is bound to be mentioned multiple times. The university was established in the year 2000 and became functional in 2002 when it was presented with an operating license certificate. The private pentecostal university has risen fast and has built a sterling reputation as a powerhouse that churns out outstanding alumni. It has also been named by the Nigerian University Commission as the best private university in Nigeria – in their 2018 ranking – as well as the sixth-best university overall.

3. University of Lagos

In the five decades that it has been in operation, the University of Lagos has garnered a reputation that fuels its nickname as the university of the first choice. It has become the dream university for many Nigerians. Founded in 1962, the University of Lagos has one the widest ranges of undergraduate and postgraduate programmes in Nigeria as well as an alumni group that includes some of the most influential Nigerians.

2. Lagos State University

Lagos State University has the distinction of being the only state-owned university in the state of Lagos. The University was established in 1983 and has since become one of the most popular and prestigious public universities in the country.

1. University of Ibadan

When the University of Ibadan was established in 1947, it was a college under the University of London. It eventually became an independent university in 1962 and has since evolved into one of the most instantly recognizable and respected educational institutions not just in Nigeria but West Africa, easily making the top two, and definitely not number two, in any ranking of Nigerian universities.

best university in Nigeria

Here eight Nigerian men tell us what their ashawo clothes are.

Derek, 25.

I have a  pair of black really short shorts that hug my ass and go with almost every shirt I own. Anytime I want to feel sexy, I just wear it and it always works because I always look good in them!

Tayo, 26.

My ashewo combo is usually short shorts and open necked shirt. I have long legs so I like to shower them off. As for the shirt, I like having a chain with a pendant dangling in view on my chest. I’m quite a whore so it makes me feel like I’m in my element.

Ayomide, 24.

You know how there’s a particular pair of jeans that just accentuate everything? I have two like that and I only wear them when I know I want to see a new love of my life. They make me feel very sexy every time I wear them. 

Christian, 28.

For me, it’s grey sweatpants. I think they are the ultimate ashawo clothes for men. They are easy to put on, easy to take off when you want to get down to business, they look great on everyone and if you are well-endowed you can show that off too because advertising doesn’t hurt anyone.

Alvin, 26.

Every time I wear short shorts I feel like a slut and I love it. With a short-sleeved patterned shirt and sneakers or sandals, it makes me feel like the sexiest man everywhere I go. 

Victor, 30.

Sleeveless shirts with gym shorts are, in my opinion, the ultimate ashawo clothes for men. It makes everything that needs to pop to do so in such a beautiful and glorious way. I have several sets and I make as many excuses as possible to wear them out even when not going to the gym.

Michael, 29.

For me, it’s a well-tailored traditional up-and-down. It sounds boring but I think it looks so good on me and always brings me luck with the ladies.

Tobi, 26.

I think I have two. The first is short shorts – I honestly don’t care for them much but it’s what the fans want so I’ll give it to them. And I recently became obsessed with thongs! They just make you feel so sexy and naughty especially when you wear them with thigh high stockings.

• Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

Daniel, 30.

I started drinking when I was in my second year at the university. However, it was when I was in my final year that I started drinking for pleasure and not just at events and stuff. I would buy two bottles of beer at night with a pack of suya and eat and drink till I slept off. I had started making small money then so I thought that this was me enjoying. The habit grew from two bottles to three and then at events or when I was with my friends, I would drink four to six bottles of beer. A few years ago, roughly four years ago, I realized that I had a problem. I needed to drink at least two bottles of beer every day, otherwise I felt some type of way. So I started with first, only drinking one bottle a day and two bottles of beer in a social gathering. Then slowly, I stopped drinking at home. Now I only drink at events and never more than one. It’s been a journey and I’m proud of myself.

Bryan, 26.

My dad gave me my first sip of alcohol when I turned seventeen but it was when I left Nigeria for my higher education that I finally got into alcohol. My friends and I would do shots all night every weekday we hung out and on weekends, we would go to parties where people just sat around and drank beer. Soon, I realized that I drank every day. I think the worst part about alcoholism is that you never know that you have a problem until it gets bad. That’s what happened to me. Before I knew it, I was coming home drunk and wasted at least three times a week. The good thing is that I was far from home and my parents. The bad thing is it was a problem. I didn’t start working on it until the day I got into a fight with someone while drunk for no reason and then I got arrested. There’s nothing worse than being arrested when drunk as an African living in a foreign land. Luckily, I was eventually let go. There and then I told God that this must stop. It’s been a few years and it has been a rocky road, I’ve had several relapses but I’m happy that I’ve kicked the habit. For me, I needed my friend’s support to really battle it. My friends played a huge role because we all decided to stop drinking as much around the same time. When we went out, we all looked out for each other, and when I relapsed they didn’t judge me but reminded me why I wanted to stop in the first place and I did the same for them.

Elvis, 24.

During the pandemic, I started getting into wines and making cocktails at home. I would wake up, do some work, read and just drink till I pass out. I didn’t know I had a problem till I realized that there was a week I had been drunk five times just that week alone. Then I realized that I had started gaining a weird type of fat that I had never put on before. I wish I stopped drinking then but the truth is, it took me another six months after the realization before I was able to stop drinking. I think the key to it for me at least is holding myself accountable. No one can make decisions like that for you other than you.

Jonathan, 31.

I lost my job two years ago and I started drinking as a way to pass time while waiting for a new job. Slowly, I started needing more bottles to get as drunk as I wanted and before I knew it, I was a very different person who drank like a fish. I eventually got a job but the drinking didn’t stop then like I thought it would. Three months after I got the job I was fired for being careless, lazy, messy etc. I knew it was the alcohol because those have never been traits of mine so I started working on it. I moved in with a friend because I couldn’t afford my apartment without a job and slowly, I got the alcoholism out of my system. What people don’t tell you is how hard it is to get un-addicted and how long it takes. I’m still trying to get it out of my system right now but I’m in a much better place and now I can keep a job.

Thomas, 28.

After law school, I started making good money from photography. I was popping, eating well, going to parties etc. That’s where it started, before I knew it, I was getting drunk daily. As a creative, you work on your own time and that was the only reason I wasn’t fired. I would go to bed drunk, wake up by 2 PM, rush out for a gig, by 10 PM I was back drinking again. There wasn’t a big moment where I had an epiphany, to be honest, I just looked at myself and said, this is not it. Stopping wasn’t easy but for me, I had to go cold turkey. For six months, I didn’t drink alcohol at all. Now, I only allow myself to get drunk on very rare occasions.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual man who talks about being sexually abused as a kid and how that led his developing a sexual addiction and finding it hard to say ‘no’ to sex. He talks about dealing with his sexual addiction, going celibate and eventually finding love and maintaining a healthy sex life.

What was your first sexual experience?

My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. My mum had this sales girl who sometimes slept in our house and ate with us and stuff. One day, when I was around ten, she made me put my hand in her vagina and finger her. And it kept happening. She would come over and instruct me on what to do, with my hands and with my penis. I couldn’t even get hard then, so I have no idea why she wanted me to do it.

I’m so sorry.

Yeah. It went on for almost two years, then my mum found out and was so mad. She wanted to beat the girl, but she ran away. My mum tried calling the girl’s people; they said they hadn’t seen her. 

I was and still am so grateful to my mum for that. She protected me from what could have gone on for even longer and reacted in a way that made me know I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I could talk to her about sensitive things.

That’s amazing. Shout out to your mum. Do you think being sexually abused affected your sex life?

I do. I became so fascinated and obsessed with sex and sexual things. From like 15, I watched way too many pornos, read porn comic strips, hentai etc. I was a little bit too excited about anything sexual. When I started having sex on my own, it kinda went into another realm.

Explain…

I had consensual sex for the first time at 17. This was after secondary school and before uni. I was home for a year, and attending computer class. I was close to a girl in class, and one day, our teacher, didn’t show. Her house was close, so we decided to go there. One thing led to another, and we had sex at her house. 

After that, we started a habit of missing classes to go to her house when her parents weren’t around to have sex.

I became curious about sex with almost everyone I met. And right after this period, I had some big changes in my life. I moved to Abuja for university, my mum finally let me have a phone and I realised I was bisexual.

Oh?

It’s funny. I always found guys as attractive as I found girls, but it was when I moved to Abuja that I met people who made me understand what that was and what I meant.

So what was your sex life in university?

Let me set the scene for you: I got into uni at 18, a brand new adult, away from my mother for the first time, a brand new bisexual ID card and unattended trauma. To worsen the matter, my grades were great and I was good looking. All I can say is, for the duration of my university education, I had a busy sex life.

Can I get more details?

People wanted to sleep with me and I was always down.  I was very experimental and didn’t say no to sexual experiences. At one point, I was having a new person sleepover at my off-campus apartment at least twice or thrice a week. I discovered 2go and Badoo and started hooking up with guys, then girls from school. It was a lot of sex.

Why didn’t you say no? Did you just not want to say no or didn’t feel like you could?

I didn’t even realise that I could say no. The thought of saying “no” didn’t cross my mind. 

I wanted to sleep with some people, don’t get me wrong. But a lot of the sex that I had wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because the people I was sleeping with wanted to. Abuse and rape damage you in ways that you don’t even realise.

That’s heartbreaking. What was it like after uni?

For a while, it was mostly the same. I think I developed a bit of sexual addiction — a lot of sex, a lot of sex parties. Then I met my girlfriend. I consider her my very first girlfriend because she was the first partner I had an emotional connection with. She was also the first person I tried to be monogamous with.

How did that play out?

Horribly. We dated for about four months, then I ended things because I felt really bad. I couldn’t stop sleeping with other people. I hated being in a place where I couldn’t control myself. So a few months after we broke up, I went celibate.

How long were you celibate for? 

A year and six months. It was horrible and great at the same time.

Can you explain?

It forced me to deal with my trauma and establish boundaries and learn how to say no. That wasn’t easy and required so much work, maturity and strength from me, my friends and loved ones. But It was great because I felt more in control of my life and myself for the first time. 

Did you go back to dating after you ended your celibacy?

Yeah, I did a bit of casual dating. Then I met my boyfriend — who I am still with.

What’s your sex life like now?

Very moderate and healthy. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it has been great. I am at a place where I understand myself and my body and know how to say yes and no. My partner and I are experimental, so we occasionally bring other people to bed just for the fun of it. Other than that, it’s great sex and with me in control of myself and what happens to my body.

That sounds amazing.

It is.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your sex life right now?

10. I’m very happy with it. I’ve found a great balance and I’m having great sex so there’s nothing to complain about.

Obiora, 25.

When my ex broke up with me, I called a Bolt driver and I just entered the first destination that came up. It was to my workplace which was over an hour away from where I was and I didn’t even realize. I sat down in the cab largely despondent, at some point, I just started crying. My cab driver was sympathetic and was giving me generic advice about women and life and I was just there bawling. By the time the trip ended and I realized where I was, I just started laughing because why am I coming to my office at around 7 PM at night? I called a new cab and went back home and then stared at my ceiling till I slept.

Benji, 29.

The day my ex broke up with me, she came over and cooked and we were talking. Then she entered a long conversation and ended it with the thought that we would be better together as friends. My head couldn’t process it, and I remember asking her if she was joking. She said she wasn’t. I asked her to leave. I stayed there for a very long time then I called my friend and when he came over, he told me to snap out of it and then we ate the food my ex had prepared and played video games.

Ken, 24.

My ex broke up with me by ghosting me. One day, I thought I was in a healthy and functional relationship. Then one day, I just stopped hearing from him. He wouldn’t pick my calls, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was still posting on social media. I later heard that he had started dating someone else and I was just dumbfounded. For months, it felt like my heart was in my throat. I could barely eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I listened to was sad breakup songs. It took me months to get over it and I’m not sure I fully have.

Gregory, 29.

My ex broke up with me because she wanted to make her side-nigga, her main nigga.When she told me that she had been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue that other relationship instead, I started begging her. I knelt on my knees and was begging her and was telling her that I’ll be better, I’ll change etc. In hindsight, that was shameful but I did it. I ate my feelings away to the point I even put on a little extra weight.

Robert, 25.

My ex and I had a small quarrel over something and she said we are done. I thought it was a heat of the moment kind of thing and I didn’t realize she meant it. I went to see her and she screamed at me to leave her house otherwise she’ll pour me water. I think what I felt the most was confusion, I wanted her to tell me that I did something wrong so I could apologize for that. Till today, I have no idea. It threw me into depression for weeks, I could barely walk, I could barely talk. Then my friends started taking me out almost every day, I barely had free time to think about the breakup and eventually, I forgot.

Charlie, 27.

I broke up with my ex. People often think the person doing the breaking up doesn’t feel awful but I did. I discovered that she was texting someone else so I had to end it. It’s funny that I ended it because I was the one who was having heart attacks every time she posted that Bratz doll meme and I was the one who was waiting for her to beg me. She never did. So to get over it, I stopped using social media for a while. I went on a social media break and spent my free time doing anything that didn’t require my phone for over a month.

Timi, 30.

In January, my ex said that I was dragging her down in life and that I was unambitious so we needed to break up. It hurt because I had to deal with a break-up as well as a kick to my self-esteem. I was in a bad place for almost two months then I listed all the ways I could improve myself so that no one could ever tell me that again. From going to the gym regularly to getting more jobs, I have been throwing myself into my life since then. I’m happy that I’m seeing changes but I still hate that it was what she said that got me started on this path.

• Names have been changed for the sake of privacy.

5. The Best featuring Mayorkun

First of all, this song was haunting me. Any and everywhere I turned to, this song was playing. For me to listen to a song that much and still love it the way I love this bop rarely happens and that’s just a testimony to how good it is.

4. Sweet In The Middle featuring Wurld, Naira Marley and Zlatan

Like everyone, I am a sucker for a good party or club banger and this is one hell of a banger. I think why I’ll put this ahead of some of Davido’s other collaborations is that while it is very much perfect for a party or a club, it also is great for some solo listening.

3. D&G ( featuring Summer Walker)

This is the song that gave us the iconic line ‘when I look into your eyes, all I see is your waist’. Whoever wrote that line needs all the songwriting awards that exist on this planet. Even though I giggle whenever I hear this line and I laugh at how loud Davido is as he shouts this at Summer Walker, I have to admit it is a crazy good song with a whole lot of replay value.

2. Know Your Worth (Khalid, Disclosure, Davido, Tems)

This song is crazy good. The fact that this song isn’t bigger or more popular than it is makes me sad because I genuinely believe that it is one of the best collaborations of 2020 and all four collaborators put their best foot forward and created a truly amazing bop.

1. Holyground ft Nicki Minaj

I frankly didn’t see a Davido and Nicki Minaj collaboration coming so when this dropped I was genuinely pleased as well as shocked. I have no idea what ‘if she was a city, she be Timbukutu’ is supposed to mean but part of the appeal of Davido is not understanding half of the lyrics and just enjoying the bop. That’s what I do and it works for me.

While everyone can agree that the album is perfect and full of bops, there are a few songs that haven’t got the airplay and clout that I feel they deserve.

1. Longtime featuring Skepta

I can’t explain it but Wizkid collaborating with Skepta makes so much sense to me. There’s something about their energy and sounds that feels like it would fuse so well and with Longtime they proved me so right.

2. Mighty Wine

While Wizkid has well-thought-out collaborators on Made In Lagos, a solo Wizkid bop is very much well-appreciated and with Mighty Wine, Wizkid did what he needed to. I am going to need more people to get into it.

3. Reckless

Reckless is the song that opens up Made In Lagos and it does a stellar job of setting the tone especially as the project opens to a slower-paced Wizkid than we are used to. I think it’s one of the best album openers from 2020 but I might be biased.

4. Roma ft Terri

Roma is a bit more fast-paced than most of the songs on Made In Lagos and I think that’s why I love it, it helps switch up the pace of the album and makes it all the more exciting.

5. Smile ft H.E.R

Seeing how this song features two powerhouses, I hoped it would be the song of the year, of the summer etc. It’s a beautiful velvety song that makes you feel so good afterwards.