How long have you been with your partner?

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, and we’ve been together for 12.

How did you both meet?

Funny story. Akin was in a relationship with one of my old classmates, and we met when he accompanied her to my school’s alumni reunion in 2012. The lady abandoned him to flirt with another former classmate, so Akin angrily left. The whole drama played out in front of almost everyone at the reunion, and I remember feeling so embarrassed for him.

A few days later, I saw his Facebook profile and impulsively sent a friend request. He accepted almost immediately and sent me a message. He remembered me from the reunion, and we joked about how his babe left him for another guy. About three months after we started chatting, we met up, and love entered the picture. I moved in with him a month after we started dating.

So fast?

Akin was the first boyfriend I ever co-habited with, and I don’t even know where the confidence came from. My landlord had just increased my rent from ₦66k to ₦120k, and there was no way I’d pay that amount for a tiny face-me-I-face-you room. The initial plan was to find another apartment my ₦35k receptionist salary could afford, but househunting took a lot of time.

Akin didn’t want me to rush into getting an apartment that’d turn out worse, so he asked me to move in while I searched. I never thought I could co-habit with a lover because all you ever hear is that men take advantage of free bumbum and cooking. 

But I asked myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” At 28 years old, I wasn’t a small girl. If I became uncomfortable with the situation, I could just leave. So, I stayed, and it turned out well. 

What was co-habiting like?

It was pretty smooth. Akin and I worked well together and shared everything from finances to chores. When I told my friends I paid for foodstuff and handled bills around the house, they thought I was stupid. Like what woman lives with a man who isn’t her husband and pays for things? But I didn’t see it as a big deal.

Did you both share the bills and expenses equally?

Not at all. It wasn’t like he asked me to bring money for anything — he worked in a bank and earned way more than me — we just liked to spend on each other. 

I could buy foodstuff on my way home from work, and he would do the same the next day. If NEPA bill met me at home, I would just pay it. That’s how we did it. Akin paid the rent, though.

When we got married in 2014, we still approached our finances the same way. That said, we’ve had to make several changes over the years.

What kind of changes?

Between 2014 and 2017, Akin was the sole provider. I had our children and couldn’t juggle motherhood with a job. 

However, he lost his bank job in 2017 and started a tiles business, which meant we were no longer sure of a specific amount coming in monthly. So, I looked for a job to support the family.

I got a teaching job with the federal government through a family friend, and my first salary was around ₦80k. Once I received my salary, I’d take ₦15k out for transport and sit down with Akin to plan how to spend the rest. On his own part, he sent his weekly profits to me to hide in a separate account for our rent. 

It probably sounds like we were so in sync, but we occasionally fought about money.

What were the fights about?

First, they were mostly due to financial pressure. I felt like I couldn’t even dictate how to spend my hard-earned money because he kept tabs on my salary. When I felt like that, I complained, and it almost always led to arguments.

Sometimes, Akin also kept profits to himself and would go weeks without giving me any money to keep. Whenever I noticed that, I complained, and he’d argue that he also wanted to hold money in his hands and spend without having to explain to me. 

At that point, I’d go, “Ehen? But you know exactly how much I earn and help me spend it right?”

So, yes, we fought about money a lot. But after the flare of emotions had died, we’d talk about it and understand it was normal for both of us to feel that way. It’s normal for us each to want to dictate how we spend our own money. But ultimately, we had to put family first and combine our resources for our children. When money fights happen now — which isn’t often — we try to remember that.

Glad it’s working out. What are your finances like these days?

Numbers-wise, we earn more, but I don’t think it shows in our standard of living. In a good month, Akin can make like ₦200k from his business. I now earn ₦128k, bringing our total average monthly income to ₦300k+, but we still struggle a lot.

Our house rent is ₦650k, and I save at least ₦50k monthly for that. The remaining ₦78k can’t feed my family for three weeks, and there are still small expenses like children’s clothes, medication and the rest. 

Akin still keeps money with me, but now we use that to handle school fees and major expenses. For example, we bought a washing machine for ₦180k in 2024. Everything else he makes goes into daily expenses like transportation, feeding, utility bills, fuel and sending money to our families.

Do you both have a relationship budget for dates and romance stuff?

Romance ke? Haha. We don’t o. Sometimes, my husband buys me suya when I disturb him about no longer putting effort into toasting me. We also take the children to cinemas and eateries during festive occasions. On my last birthday, he bought me a bag and a pair of shoes. I also bought him shoes for his birthday.

I don’t mind that we don’t always buy each other things or go out. I know how difficult things are, so it won’t be reasonable for me to ask. My husband is kind to me and helps me with everything. 

Before we got the washing machine, Akin did all the laundry by hand. He’s a good man, so I understand our situation. I don’t mind spending all my money to make our lives easier. That “the man must provide everything” story doesn’t apply in my home. 

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

My husband and I always talk about owning our home one day. If big money hits our hands, we’ll just erect a building of two or four flats so we can live in one flat and rent out the others for passive income. That would solve more than half of our problems.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: This Social Media Manager Wants Her Close-Fisted Boyfriend to Change or Risk Losing Her

How long have you been with your partner?

Samuel and I have been together for just about a year.

How did you meet him?

We met through a mutual friend. I joined some friends to film the “I’m not the celebrant, I’m the celebrant’s friend” TikTok video trend, and this mutual friend posted the video on her WhatsApp status. Samuel saw me in the video and DM’ed her to ask for my contact. She asked me, and I agreed. He reached out minutes after I gave my permission. 

We vibed well for the first couple of days, and then he said he’d like us to be together. I liked that we didn’t have to do a long talking stage. He knew what he wanted and went straight for it. I admired that, so we pretty much started dating. 

I should mention that we’d also met physically. He worked close to my house, so we’d arranged to see after work almost immediately after we started talking. It was a pretty smooth transition from the first meet-up to a relationship.

You mentioned work. What were your and Samuel’s financial situations like?

I was fresh out of uni, but fortunately, I learned digital skills while in school, which got me a remote social media gig. I was earning ₦50k/month, which wasn’t really enough to sustain me, but it was something. 

Samuel worked two jobs—one as a business development executive and another as a data analyst for a tech company. I knew he earned more than me, but we didn’t discuss his income, so I didn’t know his income bracket.

Tell me about the early days of your relationship

The early days were really sweet. I like going the extra mile for people I care about and buying them stuff, so I did that with Samuel. Three months into our relationship, his birthday came up— we share the same birth month, but mine comes before his—and I was determined to celebrate it. 

I’m not even that big on birthdays. In my previous relationship, my ex and I didn’t celebrate each other’s birthdays. But Samuel and I had several conversations, and he made it seem like he planned to go all out for my birthday. I didn’t want to be the person who gets so much on her birthday and gives little in return. So, I furiously gathered money to meet up.

At that point, I’d left that ₦50k job and was interning in a product management role, so I didn’t have a salary. But I still wanted to come through for Samuel.

I reached out to someone to make a customised sweatshirt and cargo shorts for him and paid in instalments. The whole thing cost me ₦30k, which was a lot for a jobless babe.

Wait first. How were you surviving without a salary? 

I was just managing. I had no savings and didn’t live with my parents, but my saving grace was my hairdressing skills. Although my income from hairdressing wasn’t regular, I was sure of finding a client at least twice a week. I also had an uncle abroad who occasionally sent me money. That’s how I survived.

Back to the gift: I finished paying the vendor just before my birthday, and I couldn’t even afford to get myself a gift. When my birthday came, Samuel got me a necklace, a pair of earrings, and a bracelet, which all cost less than ₦5k. You might think, “But that’s not bad.” I’m not a jewellery person, and he knew it. 

He had hyped up my birthday so much and had asked me several times what I wanted. I even gave him my best friend’s number so she’d help with gift options. He knew I loved perfumes, and he knew I wouldn’t use what he bought. I was so disappointed, but I didn’t complain. If he were intuitive, he’d have known my bland “thank you” lacked excitement, but he didn’t pay attention. That almost ruined my birthday. Thankfully, my uncle called and sent me money to go out.

Funny enough, when Samuel saw the pictures I took of that outing — I went with my friend — he got angry and asked why I didn’t take him instead. I was like, “But it’s not your money na?”

I’m screaming

That’s when I started paying attention to who he was financially and realised he’s actually quite stingy. I grew up with the mindset that it’s okay to share what I have with others without expecting anything in return. But Samuel only spends on people if he has something to gain from them. 

I wasn’t even billing him. It could be something as small as asking for ₦5k to sort something out, and he’d be like, “Why should I give you this money? What have you done to deserve it?” I never understood it. Did I have to do anything for him to assist me? Are we in a transactional relationship?

In addition to some other random gifts I gave him, I also assisted him with job interviews and written assessments. So, I didn’t understand his attitude. I stopped asking him for things and decided to hold back financially, too. 

Fortunately, my money problems reduced in April 2024. The company I interned at started paying me a ₦100k/month salary. By then, Samuel had lost one of his jobs, and I realised the one he had paid him ₦200k/month. But I didn’t even put my mind on his income because of what I’d come to know about his attitude to money.

I’m curious. Did you tell him about your issues with his habits?

Oh, I did. I brought it up for the first time in June. We had a face-to-face conversation, and I told him I thought he wasn’t doing so much, but he expected a lot from me. He went bonkers and made it sound like I felt entitled to his money. 

I wasn’t asking for a monthly salary; I was just trying to communicate that if he loved me, he’d sometimes give me money. He asked, “If I do it, would you even appreciate it?” In my head, I thought, “Bruh, do it first na. Should I thank you in advance?”

He apologised later, but there hasn’t been much improvement. Now he randomly sends me ₦1k – ₦2k, which has been more stifling than when he didn’t give me anything. I can’t ask for anything even if I wanted to because it’s like, shebi he’s giving me money.

One time in August, I had to travel for a job training, and we’d previously talked about going out when I returned. The money I expected from work hadn’t come in yet, and I needed something to tide me over. Samuel received some money from work around that time, so I jokingly asked him to give me money, but he refused. 

I suggested he give me part of what he budgeted for our plans so we wouldn’t go out again, but he refused and said I was entitled again. I told him it would have been better if he had offered to loan me the money so I’d know he cared. In the end, he just apologised again.

Hmmm

Another time, I wanted to buy a half-bag of rice and other foodstuffs to keep at home because my mum was visiting. Samuel was my contact with the person selling the foodstuff, so I sent him the money. It was about ₦90k, and it was all the money I had.

Samuel called back and said the price had increased by ₦5k. I asked if he could help me pay the extra ₦5k because I couldn’t afford it. His answer was an outright no. I eventually couldn’t buy that foodstuff. Samuel’s excuse was that, even if he had loaned me, there was a chance I wouldn’t pay back. I’ve only taken a loan from him once and cleared it in full, so I don’t know where that came from. 

Would you say his reluctance to part with money negatively affects your relationship?

It does. It definitely puts a strain on our relationship. I’m at a point where I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. If we eventually get married and our children need things, would I be able to tell them to go meet their father? What if he starts asking them if they deserve things?

Samuel is good in other aspects, and we’re considering marriage, but this might be a dealbreaker. Money is very important. It’s different if he doesn’t have money. But he has it and isn’t willing to part with it. It’ll be a great disservice to me and my future children if I give them a father who isn’t willing to be financially capable or present in their lives.

I’m still waiting because I hope he changes. I’ve tried talking to him about it several times, and I hope he improves. If not, I might have to rethink my choices.

Is there a timeframe for when you want this improvement to happen before you walk out?

Three months. I’ll discuss things with him again this month, and I need to see changes in three months. If not, I walk.

Right. Do you guys do relationship activities like dates, though?

We hardly go on dates, which I don’t really mind because I’m a homebody. But I also like going out occasionally. When we do go out, he mostly pays. Other times, we stay indoors and play games. I don’t budget any amount on relationship expenses in a month because he doesn’t budget anything for me either. If he changes, I can start.

Imagine he changes, what’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I’d like us to own land one day because I believe in real estate banking. If everything works out, I hope we can do that by next year.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Student Getting Emotionally Attached to a Transactional Relationship

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How long have you been with your partner?

We’ve been seeing each other for a year. However, it’s not exactly a relationship; she’s married, and we’re on the low.

Tell me more about that

Mutiat is a staff member at my uni, so I can’t reveal exactly how we met. But we became close after I had to regularly visit her office to help with her work. She’s 12 years older than me, but she’s something of a Gen Z at heart.

When we started talking, I noticed just how in tune she was with pop culture. She knows everyone from Fireboy DML to Burna Boy. She’s even the biggest fan of the latter. I found that really surprising because she has a gentle outward appearance and is always covered because of her religion.

How did you both become an item?

We began chatting regularly not long after I started going to her office. At first, it was harmless. I’d send her Twitter links of people arguing about their music faves or a post about Burna Boy misbehaving, and we’d argue and joke about it.

Then we started chatting into the night, and somehow, sexting entered the picture. I mentioned earlier that she’s married. She told me her husband had multiple wives and girlfriends and was hardly around. In summary, she was sexually frustrated. I already liked her, so I was happy to agree to a primarily sexual relationship when she suggested it.

What does a primarily sexual relationship entail?

Our relationship can’t be more than sex. I don’t text her anyhow, and we don’t talk to each other in public. I’ve even stopped going to her office to prevent suspicion. She decides where and when we meet.

I also wouldn’t call what we have entirely transactional because she doesn’t pay me for sex. Yes, she pays for the hotels, buys me things and has bailed me out more than once after I exhausted the ₦60k allowance from my parents. But I don’t demand or expect it. I like her as a person, and I honestly look forward to spending time with her. But I also know our arrangement can’t be more than this.

You mentioned she buys you things. What things?

Mostly food when we meet up. She also bought me a pair of shoes and perfume for my birthday. Sometimes, when I complain about school to her, she sends me ₦10k or ₦20k. That happens about once a month.

I bought her a ₦2k pair of earrings once. I’m not even sure why I did. I just saw the earrings and liked them. I thought they’d look cute on her, but she didn’t accept it. 

Oh. Why?

She said it was very different from her regular jewellery choices, and her husband would know she didn’t buy it herself.

To be honest, I felt really pained. I wondered if it wasn’t the same husband she claims never has time for her. How come he’ll suddenly pay attention to her earrings? I’d used the last ₦2k in my account to buy those earrings, but I didn’t tell her that.

I understand her, though. She can’t afford to let her husband suspect anything, and we already agreed it’s just sex. I haven’t tried to buy her anything since then. The only thing I do for her is help with her work and offer a listening ear when she wants to rant about music or whatever stunt her co-wives are pulling. I’m glad I can help her to an extent, I guess.

It lowkey sounds like you want more from the relationship than just sex

Damn. Is it that obvious? Actually, yes. Sometimes, I fantasise about us going on a date together, attending a concert, or even having her picture on my phone. That’s another thing. Mutiat regularly goes through my phone to make sure I don’t have pictures of her. I know she’s just being careful to avoid blackmail or revenge porn, but it almost feels like what we have isn’t real.

I know it’s not “real” in the true sense, but we’re also friends. We like the same things, and we talk. Sometimes, it feels like she’s actively erasing herself from my life so she can disappear whenever she needs to.

Would you say you’re prepared for this possibility?

Somehow. Regardless of how I feel, if she says she’s tired today, I have to accept it. No one sent me to go and catch feelings. People are getting sugar mummies and changing their lives. Me, I’m getting attached. 

I’m screaming. What happens when you graduate from uni?

I honestly don’t know yet. She once joked about helping me work my NYSC so I’d stay back in the city we live, but I’m not putting my mind to it.

I told my guy about us, and he wants me to get her to set me up financially. He thinks she’s just using me, so I should also get something substantial out of it. I somehow agree.

Oh. How do you intend to do that?

I recently started taking software development classes, but my laptop is old and useless. I’ve mentioned to Mutiat that I need a new laptop, and I think I need to apply pressure. Maybe I’ll just tell her outright and see what she says. If she refuses, I might just end the arrangement. If it’s not benefiting me, maybe I should save myself the heartbreak and leave before I fully catch feelings.

Hmm. What if she agrees?

Then we’ll continue until she decides she doesn’t want what we have anymore. But I’ll make sure I become intentional about asking for financial help when I need it. At least, I’ll have something I can point to as what I got from her.

I’m curious. Does your arrangement with Mutiat allow you to have a regular partner?

We haven’t discussed it, but I assume it shouldn’t. I’ve not even seen anyone I want to date, so it’s not really a problem. We’ll cross that bridge if we get there. 

What’s an ideal future for you and Mutiat?

For her to leave her husband and follow me. LOL. I’m just kidding. There’s no future for us. 

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Content Writer Navigating an Expensive Open Relationship With ₦250k/Month

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How long have you been with your partner?

I’ve been with my primary partner for eight months, but I just started seeing my secondary partner last month. It’s not serious sha.

Hollup

Haha. Me and my primary partner, Ola*, are in an open relationship. It’s actually my first open relationship. Before Ola, I struggled with relationships and commitment because I easily get attracted to people, and monogamy felt like a trap. Like I had to force myself to stick to one person while pretending I didn’t find other women attractive. It didn’t sit right with me.

So, when I realised Ola felt the same way, I knew I’d found my person.

How did you meet Ola?

We met on a mutual friend’s WhatsApp group. It was a group for bants, and Ola was the babe who was constantly dropping an opinion. 

One day, she was arguing with someone else about feminism. I DM’ed her to say I agreed with her, but I thought she should tone it down because she was starting to do too much. She immediately cleared me and told me never to enter her DM to say rubbish again. 

I’m screaming

I apologised, and we made up. We started talking often, and within a few weeks, we were in a talking stage. That’s how I knew her position on relationships. She’s polyamorous and doesn’t believe in monogamous relationships. 

We transitioned from the talking stage to a proper relationship after we met each other for the first time, about two months into the talking stage. We wanted to make sure we were sexually compatible before committing to a relationship. 

So, how does your relationship work?

Ola and I laid down the ground rules when we became official. We’d tell each other before getting involved with anyone else and not try to hide any parts of the relationship with that person because that would make it cheating.

Ola is also very against threesomes, so she doesn’t want to meet any woman I’m sleeping with. That’s not a problem for me because most of my other partners have just been hookups that last for a few weeks at most. 

Sometimes, I tell these hookups about my girlfriend. Other times, I don’t because some ladies find it difficult to agree that my girlfriend is okay with me being with someone else. The lady I’m currently with, Amy* knows about Ola. Amy also has a boyfriend, so it’s more like a friends-with-benefits situation. 

How do finances work in your relationship?

To be honest, an open relationship is expensive. I like treating my women to a good time, so whenever I’m with someone, I pull out all the stops to make sure they’re comfortable. I can’t take a woman out on a date and expect her to pay.

The typical expenses are restaurant dates and cab fees, which can run into ₦80k. I share my apartment with a friend, so sometimes I also pay for hotels to avoid inconveniencing my friend. That’s usually between ₦25k – ₦30k. 

Ola is in university, so we aren’t always in the same city. Whenever she’s around —thrice since we became official— we go on dates, explore Ibadan, or even visit Lagos. Ola loves the outdoors. The last time she came around, we travelled to visit Lekki Conservation Centre. 

The two-day trip plus accommodation cost close to ₦100k, and Ola paid around ₦40k of that amount. That’s another thing about Ola — I like spending on her and don’t expect her to pay for anything, but before I blink, aunty has opened wallet and brought out her card. She doesn’t mind paying for shared dates, but I always try to beat her to it.

What’s Ola’s financial situation like?

She’s a student and works as a social media manager. I’m not exactly sure how much she earns, but I know she also gets an allowance from her parents. I suspect she’s much richer than I am. She’s always telling me how I need to be more financially disciplined and save more so my savings can save me one day.

I’m the more impulsive spender between the two of us, and she’s made it a personal mission to change me.

Have your spending habits ever caused conflicts between you two?

Oh yes. Since Ola knows about my other relationships, she also has an idea of how much I spend on them, and she often gets upset. She feels I’m just throwing money away, which has led to a few arguments. 

I tell Ola that her objections make it difficult for me to share details of my other relationships because I don’t want to receive a financial lecture, and she feels I’m just making excuses. 

I also sometimes struggle to get her gifts because she complains about how much I spend. During her birthday in August, I got her a wig from an Instagram vendor and thought I was the best boyfriend in the world. But Ola complained that the wig was too expensive for ₦108k. She said she knew where to get it cheaper. In my head, I was thinking, “Just collect this thing and keep quiet.”

So yeah, there are the random communication gaps and arguments here and there, but we work through them. No relationship is perfect.

Do you have a financial safety net, though?

I try to save at least ₦40k monthly for my emergency savings. I also sometimes get freelance gigs. When they come, I direct my earnings to my savings account. Sometimes, I spend out of that account, but I try to be reasonable about it.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

We’re still in the very early stages of our relationship, so I’m not thinking that far yet. But for me personally, I hope to earn enough to afford japa in the next five years. 

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: This Brand Designer’s Marriage Is Recovering From a Financial Crisis

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How long have you been with your partner?

We’ve been together for four years and married for two.

How did you meet?

We met in the comments section of an Instagram Live during the COVID lockdown. The IG Live was a competition—I can’t even remember the reward—but I noticed Lydia kept trying to win. I checked out her profile, liked what I saw, and DM’ed her. 

Lydia also recognised my username from the comments, so she responded. We had a good conversation that day, which subsequently became regular. After a few months of talking, we met at a mall. I brought her flowers and asked her to be my girlfriend. She accepted.

Smooth!

To be honest, I had the confidence to ask her out because I’d just gotten a job. After my NYSC, I was jobless between 2019 and the first few months of 2020, surviving on my parents’ goodwill and the small design gigs I got here and there. 

But COVID brought remote work, and I landed a $200/week brand design gig on a freelancing site. I felt financially ready for a relationship. 

What was Lydia’s financial situation?

She was still a corps member, but her PPA paid well. Her salary plus the NYSC allowance brought her income to about ₦133k. 

Lydia is a big saver, too. She used to complain about jumping buses to work in the morning, but when I suggested she take a cab, she’d be like, “With which money?” That babe could stretch ₦5k for a week and have ₦100k chilling in her account. She sort of infected me with her saving habits, too. 

For instance, when we went on cinema dates, she’d insist we shared a pack of popcorn rather than buying two. I was the one paying, but she hated what she termed “unnecessary spending”. 

Lydia would ask me to outline my expenses every week so we could track my spending and find out if I was overspending on certain things. We really worked well financially. That, among other reasons, made it clear that I had to marry her. We got married in 2022. 

But I lost my job shortly after my wedding. 

Damn. What happened?

The startup I worked at folded three months after I started working with them. I joined after the agency I worked with on the freelance site didn’t need my services anymore. It seemed like a blessing in disguise because the new job paid ₦600k. I’d just moved my family to a ₦1.2m/year apartment when my employers asked me to go home. 

I thought it was a bad dream. Like, we were just two weeks into the new apartment. I’d spent all my savings on the wedding and relocating to the new house. We had no bed frames or chairs in the sitting room — we gave away the old set in my old apartment because we thought we’d buy a new one. To top it all, Lydia had resigned from her job when they refused to give her time off for wedding preparations.

Yikes. How did you both manage?

We got about ₦300k in money gifts from the wedding and managed that for a while. My mother-in-law also sent us plenty of foodstuffs after the wedding, so we used that to see road. We got plastic chairs for the sitting room and slept on a mattress on the floor for months. Our friends thought we didn’t want them to visit because we were honeymooning. In reality, it was because we were crazy broke.

We were also job hunting like mad but with little success. I should note something here: Lydia hardly nagged me. Of course, she wasn’t happy about our situation, but it was more like both of us complaining about our financial crisis rather than fighting each other. We approached the problem from an “all hands on deck” standpoint. 

We knew we couldn’t afford unnecessary expenses like a Netflix subscription, eating out, or even eating chicken with every meal. We began a Sunday tradition of visiting our parents to eat dinner and take foodstuff home. I even pretended to prefer drinking garri at night so we could stretch meals for longer. We were in this situation for about seven months before Lydia got a job in 2023. Her salary was just ₦150k, but it was a lifesaver.

Phew. How was your job search going?

I applied to and interviewed at countless places but got nothing. I even abandoned the job search for a while and focused on getting freelance design gigs. But it was tougher to get foreign clients because no one trusted Nigerians. I got a few local design gigs that brought ₦15k or ₦20k occasionally.

At one point, I thought I was being attacked spiritually. I knew several designers making serious money even as freelancers, but I was just stuck. I started taking prayers seriously. The whole situation affected my self-esteem and led to arguments between me and Lydia. 

What kind of arguments?

I constantly carried a “woe is me” expression, which affected our communication. I didn’t want to talk or joke because I didn’t find anything funny, but Lydia wasn’t having that. She was like, “We’re working out this money thing together, and I’m not complaining. Why are you letting it affect our relationship? Is it money you want or this marriage?” 

I tried to explain that I didn’t feel comfortable without an income as the man of the house, but Lydia never accepted that as a valid reason. She also didn’t understand why I complained when she transferred money to my account to handle my personal needs — she knew I wouldn’t ask for money. I felt useless, and she thought I was too proud. 

Our relationship really changed a lot. We went from talking about everything to sitting in silence for hours. It’s just funny because when people hear that a wife is feeding the husband, they expect the arguments will be about the woman feeling frustrated about taking care of the bills. In our case, our arguments were primarily due to my feeling sad for myself and allowing it to affect our communication. 

My moodiness worsened when the time came to pay rent, and I couldn’t find any means to loan money to augment the ₦400k my wife had managed to save. We had to move to my brother’s boys’ quarter apartment. 

Depression and shame almost killed me.

I’m sorry you went through all that

Thank you. For the rest of 2023, we survived on my wife’s salary and my brother’s kindness. We also had to get on birth control after having a pregnancy scare. Imagine giving birth while squatting in someone’s house. 

Thankfully, things changed in May 2024. My brother helped me get my current job and gave us ₦400k to add to the ₦500k my wife had saved to get our own apartment. The house is still mostly empty, but we’re slowly getting the necessary furniture. I’m just glad that things are finally looking up.

I’m happy about that as well. I hope your relationship is getting better too?

Gradually. We aren’t as close as we used to, but I’m trying to make up for it by communicating more. At least, I can now afford to take us out to eat once a week. I couldn’t afford to buy her a Valentine’s gift this year — even though she swears she loves the love notes I gave her — and I look forward to finally being able to afford to buy her gifts next year. 

What does your relationship budget look like now?

The weekly dates don’t cost more than ₦10k. Besides that, I’ve told my wife I’ll handle all the household bills from now on. She can just save her salary for emergencies or do whatever she wants with it. Knowing her, she’ll probably just save it. 

Have you considered planning for a safety net?

Oh yes. I know better than just relying on one job now. I save at least ₦40k monthly for rent, and I’m actively looking for another job on the side. With another income source, I can look at investment options.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I really want us to own our house one day soon. Rent is such a huge expense, and once that’s out of the picture, I believe we can look at achieving other things.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: This Abuja Teacher Doesn’t Believe in Girlfriend Allowance

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How long have you been in your relationship?

We clocked two years in September.

Tell me the story of how you met

We met at the school where I teach. I’d just gotten the job, and Beatrice came to school to pay some fees for her younger sister, who was my student. The bursar wasn’t around, and I noticed her walking up and down the corridor in frustration. So, I offered to collect the money and make the payments on her behalf so she could go home. 

I collected her number to send the receipt to her— I didn’t need to because I also gave the receipt to her younger sister— and we started talking regularly. I told myself I wouldn’t ask her out because she’d just received her NYSC call-up letter to Lagos. I didn’t want a long-distance relationship, but somehow, we started dating two months after meeting in school.

What was that like, starting a long-distance relationship?

We had a lot of communication issues at first. Beatrice likes calls and several messages throughout the day, which was strange to me. I’ve dated other women, and they were all fine with one call a day. Beatrice wanted me to call in the morning and after every class. 

She also expected me to text her every detail about my day. It was too much work to do all that and teach, so we argued a lot. We even broke up four months into the relationship — she accused me of being nonchalant after an argument. I tried to explain that I couldn’t handle work and all those things she wanted at the same time, but she just broke down crying. 

I told her it’s best if we ended things if she wasn’t happy with me. She got angry and blocked me. We settled and got back together three weeks later when she returned to Abuja to visit her family. 

The arguments have reduced, but she complains once in a while that I don’t call or say sweet things as much as she expects. I don’t know how to do those things, but I’m trying, and she has learnt to accept me like that. We’re also still long-distance, even though she finished NYSC in 2023.

Did she stay back in Lagos?

Yeah. Beatrice has been interested in working at a tech startup since she was in university, and she says there aren’t many of them in Abuja. She works with one now and earns ₦150k/month. I’m happy for her because it’s her dream and we’ve agreed that I’ll move to Lagos. I’m currently looking for a job in Lagos. 

Meanwhile, we try to see each other every two to three months, and we take turns going back and forth. But this year, Beatrice has done most of the travelling because she lives with an uncle, and whenever I travel to Lagos, we have to stay in a hotel or my friend’s place. We have more freedom when she comes to Abuja because we can just stay in my house, and she also gets to see her family. 

Who handles these travel expenses?

We split the costs. If I travel to Lagos, I pay my transport fare, and she pays for the hotel. When she travels, she pays for one leg of the trip, and I pay for her return trip. I also handle food and date expenses in Lagos and Abuja. 

I tried to limit Beatrice’s travel this year because transportation has become so expensive. In early 2023, ₦30k could take me to Lagos and back to Abuja. Now, one trip alone is between ₦32k – ₦37k. I told Beatrice that the expenses were too much, but she only heard, “I don’t want you to come”. 

That’s another subject we often argue about. Beatrice wants grand gestures like me travelling down to surprise her or taking her everywhere when we see each other. But these things cost money I don’t have. My ₦80k salary hardly does anything, and I have to hustle for home lessons to make a little extra, but my girlfriend wants me to get her the world. 

I believe love can still be shown in the little things, like showing concern about your personal and professional growth, praying together, and being loyal. But if I’m not spending money or doing those Instagram-worthy shows of affection, I’m not doing enough. 

Hmmm. Have you tried talking about this with her?

I have, but it just leads to arguments, so I keep quiet. However, one topic I won’t relax my stand on is girlfriend allowance. A few months after we started dating, Beatrice started hinting at me giving her an allowance so she wouldn’t have to ask me for money. I shut it down very fast.

I don’t believe in girlfriend allowance. Am I paying you to be my girlfriend? I understand supporting my woman with money when she needs it. But have I even settled my own life that I’m paying someone else a salary? Beatrice has referenced the matter several times, but I won’t budge. I think we still talked about it shortly after she landed her job. I had to tell her, “Babe, you earn more than me. You live with someone for free, but I’m borrowing money to pay rent. If anything, you should be giving me an allowance.” 

Thankfully, she doesn’t insist whenever we talk about it, but I wish she’d stop. It’s a turn-off for me.

Do you ever give her money?

I give her the occasional ₦5k for data every other month. The major relationship expenses happen whenever we see each other. That’s when I’m spending like ₦30k on dates, ₦10k on cab rides or buying her one ₦15k dress that she really likes. She also buys me stuff, though. I can just be in school, and a rider will call me to say that Beatrice sent me food or bought me clothes for work.

You said something about borrowing money to pay rent earlier

Yeah. See, times are hard and my salary doesn’t do enough to protect me from how crazy expensive things are in Abuja. I try to save ₦15k monthly to meet my ₦180k part of the rent for the apartment I share with my friend, but I sometimes use my savings when Beatrice comes around. 

So, I often have to borrow from my elder brother or loan apps. Beatrice doesn’t know I use the loan apps. I promised her I’d stop after they sent her a message threatening her to make me pay my debt last year. But the apps come through for me in emergencies, so I have no choice.

What do future plans look like for you both?

Right now, it’s a little hazy. I have to get a job in Lagos first before I can think about a future. I don’t even know how I’ll handle accommodation if that job comes, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I know Beatrice wants to get married in 2026, but if I’m not earning at least ₦500k by then, that might not happen. ₦500k is even small considering this economy, but at least I can start a family with that.

Have you considered your ideal financial future as a couple?

It’s to get enough money to japa. Beatrice has family in the UK and always talks about settling in the UK one day. I don’t mind because I’m tired of Nigeria. I just don’t know when I’ll be able to afford it.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: This Fashion Designer Will Only Get Married if Her Boyfriend Provides for Her Child

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How long have you been with your partner?

We met in 2019 but started dating in 2022. We’ve been together for two years.

What changed between 2019 and 2022?

A lot. Luke had actually shown interest in a romantic relationship since 2019. We met when a bus conductor who owed us change “joined” us and gave us ₦500 to split. Luke was supposed to get ₦300; mine was ₦200. 

I joked about him leaving his change for me, and he said he would if I gave him my number. I did, and he started calling regularly, talking about how he fell in love at first sight. But my heart was still with my on-and-off boyfriend at the time, and I was trying to hold on to see if the guy would one day be ready for a committed relationship. 

That ended with me getting pregnant and the guy finally running away. 

Yikes. Sorry about that

Honestly, I don’t blame anybody. I knew the guy was a goat, but I let emotions get the better of me. The minute I realised I was pregnant, I began mentally preparing myself to be a single mum. I wanted the baby — which didn’t make sense because I was a fresh NYSC graduate with no job. But abortion didn’t come to my mind.

Of course, Luke didn’t know and was calling me up and down. I just stopped picking up his calls and focused on how I’d provide for my child. Thankfully, I lived — I still do — with my supportive parents. They encouraged me to learn fashion design, which I did between 2019 and 2020. 

After the lockdown, I converted the front of my parents’ house into a shop and started my business. Clients came in slowly, but I consider myself very creative, and people began to see that too. By 2021, I had a few steady clients. My parents helped look after my child whenever I was busy, and I didn’t feel overwhelmed. 

It was around this time that Luke called again. I was surprised to see his call because he’d gotten the message and stopped calling some months back. I picked that day, and he was like, I just came to his mind, and he thought to reach out. That’s how we started talking again. I told him why I stopped picking his calls then, and surprisingly, he didn’t run away. He even wanted to see my child.

Aww. Did that contribute to you finally saying “yes” to a relationship?

It definitely changed how I saw Luke; it increased my respect for him. But he didn’t even talk about a relationship right away. We reconnected and were friends for a few months before love entered the subject.

I didn’t delay my “yes” this time around because I felt he was making an informed decision; he knew about my past and knew my child would always be part of my future. I assumed that, for him to show interest, especially with all he knew about me, he was ready to be a father. It seemed like the cherry on top. This was someone I’d grown to love, and he wanted to be with (all of) me too. I felt like I’d hit the jackpot.

That sounds like the relationship hasn’t been everything you expected

To be fair, Luke has been good to me. Last year, he paid ₦80k for me to do a short fashion design course to add to my knowledge. He’s also friendly with my child and has introduced me to his mother.

The only slight negative is that he doesn’t believe he should be financially responsible for my child, which has led to many arguments.

What kind of arguments?

We fight over me expecting him to be involved with my child’s needs. It’s not that I expect him to take on the entire responsibility. I just expect that he buys a few things for the child once in a while or even contribute something small to the school fees. But he has made it clear that he has no business spending money on my child. 

When we first started dating, he visited me at home and brought fruits for my parents. You know children na. My child started jumping, asking, “Uncle, what did you buy for me?” Luke said, “Don’t worry, Grandpa will buy something for you.” When I asked him why he didn’t buy sweets or biscuits, knowing a child was at home, he got offended. He made it seem like we’d just started dating, and I was dictating to him what to do with money.

I accepted that I shouldn’t have asked like that and apologised. But over time, I’ve realised he deliberately doesn’t want to be financially involved. I was broke when my child needed to start school last year and asked him to help me with ₦50k to complete the fees. He was like, “That’s how it starts. Very soon, you’ll expect me to pay school fees.”

I was so angry that I lashed out, and we didn’t talk for two days. Eventually, he apologised but still insisted it was not his place to provide for my child. I asked if that would still be the case if we got married, and he said yes.

Really?

Yes. Though, I didn’t take him seriously. I thought he was just trying to protect himself. We hadn’t really talked about marriage before then, and I guessed it was just him avoiding having to spend on one girlfriend’s child when we might end up breaking up.

But, for a few months now, we’ve started talking about marriage seriously. Luke says he hopes for an early 2025 wedding, and while I’m excited about that, I’m also worried that his stance hasn’t changed. I asked him again if he was serious about me paying for everything related to my child, and he confirmed it because “the child’s real father can come any day.” 

That’s a major problem for me. If I marry him and have his own children, he’ll probably treat them better than mine. Or if I can only afford a public school for this child, would my children attend different schools? I’m just confused.

Hmm. What’s Luke’s financial situation?

He’s a lawyer, and I think he earns ₦300k. I’m not sure because it’s been a while since he told me, and I try not to ask, especially because I talk about this issue with my child’s finances. I don’t want it to be like I’m only interested in his money.

What other money conversations do you both have besides your child’s finances?

Luke is quite intentional about financial discipline. He’s always talking about the need to have emergency savings. Because of him, I joined a ₦20k monthly ajo contribution in 2023. I used my share to buy an electric sewing machine. I’m due to collect again next month, and I’ll probably just save it in my savings app till I figure out what to do with it.

I also help Luke make some financial decisions. He talks to me about his needs, and we discuss when to make certain expenses. For instance, he wanted to rent an apartment some months ago because he was tired of sharing his with a roommate. But I encouraged him to wait until the wedding was close so he could get a bigger apartment. And he agreed. 

How do you both budget for relationship expenses?

I’m not sure we actually budget. We go on dates at least once a month. Other times, we just stay indoors, and I cook. Luke handles the expenses when we go on dates; I buy the foodstuff to cook when we stay indoors.

We also gift each other on birthdays. For my last birthday, he bought me an Infinix phone, and I bought him a ₦25k pair of shoes.

Have you considered how you’ll handle wedding expenses?

I’m still having second thoughts about whether a wedding will happen. Luke’s financial responsibility for my child is a big issue for me. I’ll still bring it up again with him. If he still refuses, I’ll have to involve our parents and see how it goes from there.

But if the wedding happens, Luke should handle most of the expenses. I’ll probably pay for my outfits and makeup. That’s how we plan to run our home, too. We’ve talked about it, and Luke will handle the major home expenses while I support him.

I hope it works out. What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I’d like us to own real estate investments one day. Having a house or land property feels like the pinnacle of financial freedom to me, so I want that for us in the future.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Kaduna Finance Sis Juggling a Failing Marriage and Providing for Her Children on ₦650k/Month

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How long have you been married?

I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years.

Tell me about how you both met

A mutual friend introduced us in 2014. I was 21 and in my final year of uni, and Ismah was 30 and was already established in his construction career. I didn’t mind the age gap; I was assertive and thought if I married someone in my age group, they would find me overbearing.

Ismah was also straightforward. He told me his intentions as soon as we got talking, and I liked the honesty. We also had really good conversations. That was my major attraction: how much I enjoyed talking to him. 

What did you guys usually talk about?

Random things, really. I think I was in awe because he knew so much. I’ve always considered myself an old soul and liked that we could talk about anything. 

There was all that talking, but I didn’t ask the important questions like his thoughts about finances and running our home. I knew he was financially comfortable because he didn’t hide it. But I never asked him about money — my parents brought me up to be independent — and I just expected Ismah to know what to do after marriage. Everything was just supposed to fall into place. Maybe I was just naïve. 

We got married as soon as I graduated from uni in 2015, about nine months after we met. My religion and culture frown on relationships outside marriage, so we had to make it official as soon as possible. But we soon started having arguments and clashing over finances.

What were the specifics of these arguments?

Ismah didn’t study economics, but he has strict expectations about managing money. Before my marriage, I survived in uni on the ₦30k allowance my civil servant-parents gave me and the small-small things I sold periodically for extra cash. But somehow, my husband believed I didn’t know how to manage resources. 

After we married, I moved to join him in another state. None of my family members lived nearby, and my only income was the ₦19800 stipend from NYSC. Ismah gave me a ₦30k monthly housekeeping allowance, which was barely enough for food and other small expenses. But I couldn’t ask for more. The few times I tried, he’d nag on and on about how I couldn’t manage. And it’s not like I was spending the money on myself. 

If the cooking gas finished and I told him, he’d be like, “Do you expect me to just pay for it now because you asked?” If a food item finished in the house and I mentioned we had to stock up, he’d ask if I wouldn’t have survived if we had less. He could have ₦2m, but if he budgeted ₦2k for an item and an emergency came up that required more money, he wouldn’t budge. 

I was uncomfortable with constantly defending myself and even grew scared of asking for money. Whenever I ran out of money, I preferred asking my siblings for loans rather than asking my husband. It made me all the more determined to look for a job.

Did you find one?

I did. I got one at a microfinance bank in 2017, and it paid ₦35k/month. By then, I already had two children, and Ismah didn’t want me to take the job. He thought it was too small, but I knew the drama I faced with money issues, so I held it with both hands. 

I should mention that he’d increased the housekeeping allowance to ₦60k in 2016 after I complained about needing money for personal needs. Adding my salary, my total income grew to almost ₦100k, and it all went to transportation, feeding and other expenses for myself and the children. 

Did you and Ismah have any activities you did to spend time together?

During our first year of marriage, we went everywhere together — to events and the like. We also had conversations when we weren’t arguing about money. But things changed after the children came into the picture. I became the primary caregiver. 

Initially, I didn’t mind since my husband handled most of the expenses. But after I got the job, it was clear that I was on my own. I had to enrol the children in a creche before they came of school-age, and he was like, “You’re the one who wants to work. So, sort it out.” I think that’s when I realised that my marriage wasn’t ideal.

It’s been like that over the years. Ismah drops ₦60k in a month, and I find a way to make it up and keep the house running. His only other concern is school fees, and that’s it. I pay for whatever the kids need in school.

In 2021, I got a ₦250k/month job in the development sector, and he insisted I save ₦150k in our joint account and survive on the rest. 

It was difficult because things were more expensive compared to 2015, but I guess it helped because I used the savings to buy a car in 2022. I just didn’t like how the tight leash on my money meant I couldn’t assist family members. I was still supposed to take out of the ₦100k I had left if I needed to travel home or fix anything in the car. If I asked, it was like, “Are you not working? Why is this my problem?”

The simple way to explain this situation is that I don’t feel financially secure with my partner. I don’t have a safety net or a sense of security with him. I can’t rely on him to come through for me in an emergency.

Have you talked to him about this?

I try to, but he often makes me feel unreasonable. He says he’s saving for the greater good of the family. I don’t even feel seen now. I don’t understand why he won’t budge or try to help even though he sees me struggling. According to him, his work isn’t pensionable, so he has to manage. 

Hmm. What are your finances like these days?

I moved to another agency in the development sector this year and now earn ₦650k/month. But I told Ismah I earn ₦400k to have some financial freedom. I’ve reduced my savings to ₦100k despite his complaints. 

I also complained about inflation and, last month, got Ismah to increase the housekeeping allowance to ₦80k. He can afford it; he earns at least ₦500k in a bad month, and in a good month, he makes up to ₦2m or more. 

Besides the allowance, what kind of money conversations do you both have?

We have differing viewpoints. I believe more in saving, but he’s the type that wants to invest in businesses that require goods and services. 

About a year ago, he lost tens of millions in an agricultural business. I warned him about it, but he ignored me. About ₦1.5m of my savings in the joint account also got lost. I think the guilt is why he doesn’t police my savings as much these days. Either that, or he’s just tired of me being “stubborn and financially irresponsible.”

You mentioned saving. How does that work?

I have about $1300 in a savings app. I just started the dollar savings in April and hope to buy stocks when it gets to $3k. I also have ₦650k in something called Mudarabah Savings. It’s like a fixed deposit account, but I get dividends instead of interest (which I can’t receive as a Muslim). 

I put ₦50k in that account monthly, and there’s no fixed percentage on the dividend I receive as it’s based on my investment percentage in the pool. But it fluctuates between ₦12k – ₦18k monthly. I also have another ₦250k in another bank that pays a fixed 11% yearly profit.

That’s a sizeable safety net

Well, Ismah and I hardly do things together these days. This is my fault; I limit conversations to when they’re absolutely necessary because he gets upset if I share a different view about a topic we’re talking about. So, I avoid drama. 

The kids and work are my life; he does his own thing. I know he has investments and big financial plans, but I don’t see myself in his plans. So, I just plan for myself and the children.

I wonder now if I should ask about your ideal financial future as a couple

I don’t think of money with my partner as a unit. Like I said, I don’t think I’m in his plans. Recently, I’ve felt like our relationship has no future, and we’re just scared to admit it to each other. I don’t feel the love any more. 

That said, It’s not like I expect him to get a second wife. I’ve had no reason to suspect him. Besides, if he isn’t spending on me, is it a new wife he wants to spend on? Regardless, I just want to have something to hold on to.

So, for me, I hope to own a house, have a robust safety net and be comfortable enough to take care of my children without many calculations. I’m not keen on japa, but I don’t mind earning in foreign currency and living in Nigeria.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Asaba Freelancer Hoping His Girlfriend Won’t Leave Because of His Unstable Income

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How long have you been with your partner?

I met Glory in 2023, and we’ve been dating for about 11 months.

How did you two meet?

I’m a freelance graphic designer living in a university environment and often get design requests for birthday flyers. Glory and I have a mutual friend who sent me Glory’s picture so I could design one. 

I liked what I saw and convinced the girl to send me Glory’s number to forward the flyer to her myself. She sent it, and I sent the flyer, wished Glory a happy birthday and offered to take her out to eat. I spent ₦10k that day on shawarma and drinks. We vibed, talked all night, and essentially became an item.

Just like that?

Yes. I told her I liked her, and she said she enjoyed talking to me. I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend that night, but somehow, we knew we were dating by the end of the week. 

Glory was even the first person to use the term “boyfriend”. Two weeks after we met, I came to her department building to see her. When she saw me, she waved me over and introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend. I remember being so excited that I had to consciously stop myself from shining my teeth in front of her friends.

Were you excited because she used “boyfriend”?

It was more because she seemed so proud to announce me. My last relationship was with a girl who never told anyone we were together, so it was a breath of fresh air. My ex claimed she hid me because she was a private person, but I realised that was a lie after finding out from a friend that she blocked me from viewing her WhatsApp status, where she constantly posted one G-boy who was spending money on her. I don’t really blame my ex sha. I was a broke student, so I guess she wanted better.

Was your financial situation any better when you started dating Glory?

Much better. I was in my NYSC year, but aside from the ₦33k stipend, I made money writing for blogs and designing. I had a steady client for the blog pieces then who paid me ₦35k/month, and I made extra ₦30k – ₦40k from graphic design. So, I felt confident and financially comfortable enough to pursue a relationship. 

What about Glory? What was her financial situation?

She didn’t have a major income source as a student — she still doesn’t— but her parents supported her financially. I know that because when we started dating, I tried sending her money regularly. I always told her whenever I got paid, and would randomly send ₦10k here or ₦12k there.

I did that about three times in the first month, and she told me to calm down. She was like, “I’m not broke o. Stop sending money anyhow.” She made me understand that she’d tell me if she ever needed money, and she preferred that I save my money to do sensible things rather than spend it all on her. 

Sounds like a keeper

That statement activated my mumu button. I reduced the money gifts and limited them to when she asked. But she likes going out and hanging out on the beach, so we went on beach dates and visited eateries. I paid for those dates. 

My birthday was in February, and Glory bought me a cake and a wristwatch as my birthday gift. I bought her a ₦5k necklace for Valentine’s Day; she took us out to eat that day. We’ve mostly understood each other when it comes to money, but I think that’s been changing a bit since August.

How so?

Our finances have changed a lot. Glory lost her father, who was the family’s breadwinner, in June. Her mum is still trying to recover from funeral expenses, and Glory is always complaining about being broke. She’s in her final year now and needs money more than ever.

On my own end, I finished NYSC earlier this year, and my income hasn’t been stable. My steady client gets work from sites like Upwork and Fiverr and outsources some of his jobs to me. But jobs haven’t been as frequent; he says those sites are more competitive now. So, sometimes, I get only two gigs from him in a month that might not even reach ₦20k.

Graphic design has been my major income source for a while, and even with that, I struggle to make ₦60k. That’s hardly enough to do anything in this economy, and I still have rent to worry about. I squatted with a friend for free during NYSC, but I had to look for another option after we finished because his girlfriend wanted to move in. I’m sharing the room with another friend, but I still have to worry about my half of the rent, which is ₦150k. 

Things are hard, and it makes it worse when my girlfriend complains because I can’t do a lot.

Damn. How has this affected your relationship?

Money has become a regular conversation for us now, and these conversations tend to get tense. One time, Glory complained about money as usual, and I tried to motivate her, but she got angry. She asked whether motivational words would bring the money to solve the problem. She apologised later, but I still feel bad. 

I once told her that hearing about her financial situation made me feel inadequate, but she didn’t like that. She said it sounded like I didn’t want her to tell me what was going on and that if she couldn’t share with me, who else did she have?

Glory still says that she doesn’t expect me to provide all her needs, but I feel like there’s an unspoken expectation that I provide more than I currently do. I give her at least ₦5k monthly, and she often comes to eat at my place, but it’s like I’m not doing enough. I have this silent fear that she’ll find someone with more money and leave me for him.

Hmm. I guess you haven’t spoken to her about this

How can I? It’ll just sound like insecurity. So, I just try to show my love as much as I can. I listen to her troubles and suggest solutions when needed. I also try to send money when I can afford to, and I still prioritise dates. 

She has said she wants to start a thrift business, and I’m hoping I have money whenever she’s ready. I won’t fund the whole thing — she plans to speak with her uncle to dash her some money — but I hope to support her with something.

I hope it works out. Do you have a financial safety net?

I have ₦80k in a savings app, and that money is only there because Glory has warned me not to touch it so I can have something for rent. I’m currently job hunting for a steady salary to bank on. Once I get that, I can think about saving beyond rent.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I’d like both of us to have stable income sources so we can look at a better future together. A future where we can rent a place together, go on vacation to beach resorts around Nigeria and be free to be intentional with gifting. Glory’s phone is bad, and I’ve fantasised about changing it for her, but I definitely can’t do that now.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Customer Service Rep Navigating an Uncertain Long-Distance Relationship on ₦290k/Month

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How long have you been in your relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years.

Gist me about how you both met

We met in a market in December 2017. I was buying some things for the house when my phone battery got low, and I went to charge at a business centre in the market, and there he was — Roy was a friend of the centre’s owner. He asked for my number, I shared it and we started talking. After a few weeks, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I’d just lost my dad — a soldier — around that time and was looking for an apartment that my family could move into. My dad’s death meant that our time living in the barracks would soon end. At the same time, I was a 200-level university student in a different state, so I wasn’t even sure that a long-distance relationship was the best thing at the time. 

What changed your mind?

It just happened. Roy and I talked regularly, and when my birthday came around in January 2018, he surprised me with a cake (I was still at home) and paid ₦6k for my hair. We hadn’t started officially dating, and I was surprised someone I’d just met was already doing so much. We started dating some weeks after that.

The long-distance relationship you were running from

Right? It was a struggle at first, especially for a new relationship. There were moments of insecurity when I wanted to know exactly who he was talking to or calling, leading to small arguments. I used to imagine different things whenever I called and he didn’t pick up for whatever reason. Like, what if he was with a girl? But he usually addressed my concerns and made me see how it was all in my imagination.

Also, I wasn’t in a great place financially. The army covered my dad’s funeral expenses and gave my mum ₦5m, but she used the money to sort school fees, accommodation, food and provide for my other siblings. The responsibilities were a lot on her, and I didn’t get a regular allowance in school.

But after I started dating Roy, he pretty much took over my financial needs. That included my ₦25k school fees — which increased to ₦45k in 2020 — and my ₦120k/year off-campus hostel rent. Then, he’d give me money to survive monthly, usually between ₦20k – ₦50k. 

In 2020, when schools closed because of COVID, Roy suggested I learn a skill and paid ₦80k for me to attend baking school. He also paid ₦120k for me to take a refresher course the following year after I forgot most of the knowledge due to minimal practice. Roy literally became my sponsor from my 300 level to when I graduated in 2021. 

What was Roy’s financial situation?

I honestly don’t know. I know he worked in a bank, but I don’t think his salary or how much he has is any of my concern. He didn’t tell me how much he earned, and I didn’t think it was my place to ask.

Is it safe to assume you didn’t have money conversations?

Oh, we did. In the early days, our money conversations were mostly about how much I needed for one thing or another. But as the years progressed, it became more about him identifying and attending to my needs. 

For instance, while I was still in school, I always visited him during any school break, and he always paid the ₦18k – ₦22k bus fare for my transportation to and fro school. I didn’t have to ask. He also paid for any dates we went on when I visited. 

We also talk about Roy’s spending habits. He’s quite a reckless spender, and I’m always sounding a note of caution. He can just decide to buy watches and perfumes for both of us or buy me random gifts and defend it with, “If you don’t spend your money in this life, how will you spend it after?” The gifts weren’t one-sided, though. I also got him gifts — mostly Senator materials because he liked them. 

But after I graduated and we moved in together in 2021, I’ve mostly limited gift-giving to special occasions like birthdays. The frequency at which Roy gave me money sort of reduced since we lived together, and I only just got my job as a customer service rep at a management firm six months ago, so money wasn’t that regular.

What’s cohabiting like?

You mean, what WAS it like? Roy relocated to the UK for his master’s degree a year ago, so we’re back in a long-distance relationship. But while we were together, it was okay. Of course, we had issues. 

Roy had a habit of going out with friends and returning at midnight, and we clashed about that several times. But we always talked through our issues, and besides that, it was mostly smooth sailing.

We had an arrangement: I stayed with Roy during the week and went home to my mum on the weekends. He handled the bills and dropped money for feeding while I cooked. He also cooked sometimes because I didn’t really like chores. When neither of us cooked, we went on dates to restaurants.

How often were these dates?

Two or three times monthly. Roy is an extrovert, and I’m content to stay home as long as there’s light, internet, and food. But when we had to go out, it was usually restaurants, bars, lounges and outdoor games. He always paid for the dates.

I retained our two-bedroom apartment after Roy japa, and he pays the rent, which is ₦700k/year. Honestly, when he told me he was leaving Nigeria, my first reaction was, “Are you going without me? Why can’t we go together?” He’d been hinting about being tired of Nigeria since 2021, but I thought he was joking. 

It became real in 2023 when he mentioned that his parents would financially support him. He left with his junior brother.

How has japa affected your relationship dynamic?

It has been really hard, and I sometimes wonder if I want to continue the relationship. It’s just that I’ve come too far to give up. We hardly have time to talk. My job doesn’t let me use my phone while on duty, and I also take on small baking jobs here and there. 

In addition to schooling, Roy also works as a care worker. With both of our busy schedules, it takes a lot of determination to talk daily, but we try our best to talk before we sleep. Right now, we’re just trying to survive each day.

Is there a plan to join him soon?

We have to get married before that, and we’ve talked about considering a 2025 wedding. My biological clock is ticking, and I don’t want any more delays. Roy wants me to work for at least a year to save money first, but I don’t think I’ll leave 2025 unmarried. 

Have you considered how you’ll both handle the wedding expenses?

Not really, but the cost should be split 70:30. I don’t think the man should shoulder all the expenses, but he should take the bulk, and I can support him. 

That’s why I’m not really bothered if Roy wants to postpone the wedding for some more time so I can work a bit longer. I understand the importance of money in a marriage, and I don’t want to be in a position where I can’t support. However, he’ll have to pay for my relocation expenses.

So you both don’t talk about your salaries. Will this approach continue post-wedding?

Actually, he knows how much I earn. He helped me get the job, so he knows my salary. He’s always known my financial status. I just don’t ask him about his because I think it’s private to him.

However, this will change after marriage. When we’re married, I expect his finances will have to be my concern. Plus, we’ve even decided to have a joint account when we’re married. He’ll put in 70% of his income, and I’ll put in 30% of mine. That’s what we’ll use to run our household.

Interesting. How do you budget for romance in a long-distance relationship?

Since I started working, I have saved ₦100k from my salary monthly—I currently have ₦370k in my savings. I use some of it to buy stuff for my boyfriend when needed. Since he left, I’ve only gotten him a ₦120k wristwatch. That was possible because his brother came to Nigeria, and I gave him the watch to deliver. 

I’m curious: What’s the most expensive gift you’ve ever gotten for each other?

In 2022, he bought me an iPhone 11 Pro and 18-inch bone-straight hair. Those should be the most expensive gifts so far. Mine is the ₦120k watch.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I just want us to be happy, to have enough money so we don’t have to worry about the little things and can enjoy peace of mind. 

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: The Married Civil Servant Learning to Be Romantic on a ₦78k Salary in Lagos