₦212 million is not small money, so we had to watch this visual to see why it costs more than an average Richard Mille wristwatch.

Let’s get into it.

The video opens with a bull skull, which I took to mean two things: a ranch or a “danger zone”. The next scene proved my first theory because it featured a bunch of idle cowboys and cowgirls with hard faces.

The frowning cowboys and girls stare at Kcee as he drives into their area, comes out of his car and presents an old tube vintage TV set to a guy who looks like the ringleader of an upcoming cartel. 

I thought I was about to see a drug deal for a moment, but instead, the guy turns on the TV and “Ojapiano remix” begins playing supernaturally. I say “supernaturally” because the TV isn’t plugged into any source of power known to man. As if that isn’t impressive enough, the old-school (AKA black and white) TV starts showing Kcee and Ryan Tedder in very bright colours.

After a few seconds, the others gather to watch, and some take dancing positions.

At this point, I’m confused. One Republic isn’t a country music band or group of cowboys, so why is Kcee meeting cowboys? 

Also, the white folks watching Kcee on the TV are on one side, but the all-black women dancers remain on the other side. The reason for this segregation is unclear. But let’s move on.

In the next scene, Kcee appears in a stable. But he’s the only one there. Where are the horses? If they wanted a stable scene so badly, why didn’t they make it look finer in a “too-good-for-horses” way. I mean, they had$150,000 to spend.

The video continues with Kcee and the dancers dancing and dancing. The others watching the performance on TV did so for the remaining two minutes of the video until the music video ended abruptly. 

I have so many questions, but the one that confuses me most is why Kcee presented the TV  to the cowboys. What did that symbolise? 

For a song about being a boss man and money spender, the “Ojapiano remix” music video feels more like a lacklustre countryside adventure. Maybe the $150k included his flight costs to America because nothing else in the visual supports that claim.

I’ll conclude by saying: “Ojapiano” should have been left as it is —a street anthem without 18 seconds of Ryan Tedder’s vocals and its overpriced music video.

I Endured Tacha & Omashola’s “Chiwawa” Music Video So You Don’t Have To

“A criminal defence attorney takes on the case of a seductive artist accused of murdering his girlfriend, but when burning desire takes hold, things get hot and dangerous.”

— The movie’s synopsis on Netflix.

And my first question is, people didn’t know it would be bad after reading that synopsis? 

Let’s get into it.

The movie opens in classic Tyler Perry fashion: A therapist talking to a couple who have no real intention of solving their problems.

Mea (Kelly Rowland) is zoned out AF from the conversation until the therapist and her husband, Kal (Sean Sagar), bring her back. We quickly learn that Kal is a mummy’s boy who also has problems setting boundaries with his childhood friend/female bestie, Jenna.

Kal gets a call then announces they have to leave for his mum’s birthday dinner. Mea shuts that down and stays back for the rest of the session. After Kal leaves, she reveals her husband is jobless AF, doesn’t want his family to know and has attachment issues with his mum because she has cancer. Chale, I was already stressed!

The movie then cuts to Mea’s arrival at Kal’s mum’s birthday dinner. She meets a colleague, Mannie, who says he’d love her to meet a popular visual artist, Zyair Malloy, who’s facing murder charges and needs a badass defence attorney. She’s hesitant but agrees to a meet-up.

Finally, we meet Mummy Kal (Kerry O’Malley) AKA Azalia and she… looks nothing like anyone who has her days on earth numbered. And if you’re wondering why she’s white with black kids, you should know the movie does nothing to answer this question.

Oh, Mummy Kal is nasty as hell because why TF did she invite Jenna to the party and have the audacity to sit her right next to Kal?

Mea spends the night playing catch-up with her friend and sister-in-law, Charlise, at the far end of the table. We barely see food on the table, but there’s enough passive aggression and performative action from the family members to fill them up.

Next, we see jobless Kal give his mum an expensive wristwatch and go: “It’s from Mea and I”.

The dinner-from-hell finally wraps, and the family members trickle out of the restaurant. Charlise wants to know why there’s paparazzi and finds out they’re here for Zyair, the artist accused of murdering his Mexican boo.

He’s also selling off Zyair’s artwork in his house.  

The ride home is intense. Kal reveals he had to sell the piano to afford mummy’s lil birthday watch. At this point, we can tell Mea is over his bullshit.

After the chaotic events of the previous night, we see Mea at her workplace, where she’s one of the baddest legal bitches running things. Zyair has come to get her to take his case, but she quickly tells him she probably wouldn’t since her brother-in-law is prosecuting.

Zyair makes a case for his innocence, and Mea says she’ll consider it.

We don’t know if it’s the same day or the next, but we see Mea and Charlise taking a walk after a dance class. On the other side of the road, a group of angry white women protest the continued display of Zyair’s artwork at a gallery.

Mea uses the opportunity to tell her sister-in-law she’s taking up his case, and our good sis is completely against it.

Next, we see Mea in defense-attorney mode. 

Like her sister-in-law, Kal wants her to drop the case. And the following ensues:

The movie takes us to Zyair’s studio apartment, where Mea confronts him with evidence suggesting he’s guilty AF, and she’ll only represent him as long as he tells her the truth. Classic “defence attorney of a murder suspect” move.

The entire scene plays out rather annoyingly thanks to Zyair’s raging hormones that stain every interaction with Mea unprovoked. 

After a long and tiring AF day, Mea gets home to a cancer-ridden Mama Kal, who after chemotherapy, came to rescue her jobless son from “endless takeouts”. We also see the brother-in-law. So, it’s a complete gang-up cosplaying as a family dinner. 

Of course, Mea was on the menu, and they ate her so bad with their demand:

It’s at this dinner that Mea finds out her brother-in-law is running for mayor and hopes to score votes by sending Zyair’s ass to jail.

Mea calls on her private investigator, Jimmy — who has feelings for her but tails her husband and reports on his activities — for her new case. 

Mea and her brother-in-law battle it out in front of a judge who succumbs to the idea of close relatives on both sides of the case.

In the next scene, we see why Mea believes so much in Jimmy’s ministry. Mans dug beneath the crux of Mother Earth herself to find statements from Zyair’s exes detailing their rather gruesome sexual experiences with him. 

See for yourself:

And in Zyair’s defence?

Mea to Jimmy:

The night wraps with Mea sending Jimmy off to Mexico to find out more about Zyair’s murdered lover. 

After Jimmy leaves, Mea joins Zyair on the rooftop and he tries to plead his case… yet again:

Jimmy calls Mea from Mexico and says there’s hardly any information or investigation around Zyair’s murdered lover. He promises to keep digging.

After what seemed like ages, we see Kal again. And for the first time in the movie, we’re teased with a potential genital slam-a-thon that ends before it has a chance to get either party wet.

Later that day, Mea meets with her client for more questioning about the case. Before long, we see an attorney vs client Q&A session crumble into what you see below:

Mea eventually comes to her senses, asks to leave and agrees when Zyair offers to drop her home. And just when I thought we’d be treated to the over-flogged but hot AF “damsel on okada” scene, Mea sees Zyair’s power bike and:

On the train ride home, Mea’s head is flooded with images of the near-mekwe encounter with Zyair. She gets home and tries to replace the ungodly images, but Kal is disappointment personified.

The next morning, Kal shows up at Mea’s office with flowers, but she’s less than impressed. She tells him she’s got stuff to do, and right in the middle of the exchange, Zyair walks in.

He does the most passive-aggressive takeover ever, placing his hand on Mea’s waist, not minding her husband’s presence.

Kal’s response:

Kal is pressed AF but even his meanest looks don’t stop Zyair from telling his attorney they need to head back to his house where he’ll feel more comfortable to open up.

Mea protests the idea, but Zyair is out of her office quicker than she can convince him to stay the fuck back. 

She does his bidding and shows up, but Zyair is far from impressed. He calls Mea out on her bullshit, claiming she’s attracted AF to him but denies it. 

He says he can’t trust her any longer and doesn’t want her as his lawyer. Mea remains unfazed and tells him off.

Zyair walks Mea out of his house and ends up in an underground orgy-styled nightclub with enough ashawo lighting to blind any human being.

Mea returns home to find Kal too engrossed in a virtual shoot-out with his bestie, Jenna, to notice her presence in the room. Mea is riled up AF and retires to her home office. She gets a call from Maddie, who told her about Zyair in the first place. Maddie apologises on behalf of Zyair and begs Mea to stay on his case. 

Next, we see Mea at Zyair’s, and he’s quick to apologise for his behaviour. She makes it clear that, even though her marriage has issues, she’s not some cheap slut to be seduced by an artist about to lose his career.

Tell me why this sneaky ass nigga still tries to get in Mea’s pants right after? She still turns him down.

Enters a random naked white chick.

Who proceeds to swallow the shit out of Zyair’s cock in Mea’s presence. 

Mea tries to leave but not before Zyair did some shit to stall the elevator and make her witness his near-cum state.

Mea keeps the horny in check and storms out. In her car, our good ol’ investigator, Jimmy, calls to inform her that he saw her husband go into a hotel room with Jenna. Mea loses her shit, returns to Zyair and sets the motion for what’ll go down as one of the nastiest genital rogbodiyan to air on television.

She walks in on Zyair and the white babe and takes over, chewing his lips with the anger of her recent discovery.

Before things get too far, she somehow regains her senses and wants Zyair to take her home. Mea jumps on the motorbike she refused earlier, and there’s a cute “Riding with my man” moment:

They drive through the city and return right back to Zyair’s house for the messiest paint sex that could only be a desperately sex-starved person’s unlived fantasy.

Mea gets to work the next morning, and her husband and sister-in-law almost pounces on her for going MIA. She also learns that while she was getting her kpekus pounded, Kal and his other family members were at the hotel with Mama Kal, who’d asked to be moved somewhere closer to the hospital.

Mea regrets her genital rogbodiyan from the night before and realises her private investigator gave her the wrong info. She’s guilt-ridden and struggles to look Kal in the eyes. 

Mea goes to Zyair’s house and tells him she wants out as his defence attorney.

She also meets Jimmy and tells him he got his info all wrong.

The scene that comes up next shows a bunch of angry white women protesting in front on the gallery. Mea comes to the gallery to meet one of Zyair’s exes, Renee Hester Welson.

Enters the ex:

Without wasting time, Renee imposes herself as the bad bitch and gives a rundown of how Zyair has played Mea. 

Turns out the little paint sex stunt he pulled is an old trick he’s recycled with exes. Renee also tells Mea that the painting of herself on his ceiling has layers of all the women he’s been with underneath. 

In the next sequence, Mea lets herself into Zyair’s house and marches straight to the room where he dickmatised her.

She peels off the painting of herself on the ceiling and sees the layers of other women’s paintings. 

She doesn’t stop until she gets to a painting of the ex he was accused of murdering.

Zyair tries to explain, but Mea isn’t having any of his bullshit stories. She makes to leave but he refuses to start the elevator, throwing in a subtle threat that he would tell the world about their rendezvous.

Mea tells him she also plans to tell the truth about what went down between them. Seeing he’s been beat, Zyair retreats and watches Mea leave. 

She gets in the elevator and screams the loudest fucking “Start the elevator” that makes it clear she’s not playing.

As if the day hasn’t been long enough, Mea and Kal arrive at his brother’s house, where other family members have gathered to spill tea. What ensues next is a messy AF tell-all where Kal’s family find out he’s been jobless for a while, and Mea tells Kal that Zyair stuck his joystick in her honeypot.

Mama Kal after Mea’s confession: 

Mea only gets support from Charlise. Feeling defeated, she leaves.

After this rather chaotic night, we see Mea at a bar in Santa Domingo trying to put the past behind her. Her “Me time” is cut short when a TV announcer says Zyair, who’s been chilling in prison, has agreed to take a plea deal. Right after, she gets a call from Jimmy, who’d been worried sick about her.

Still on the island, we see Mea running. She bumps into a waiter who looks familiar AF.

She realises the girl is Zyair’s allegedly murdered ex. Enters: Hot chase.

Unsuccessful in her chase and attempt to get the police involved, Mea calls Ray to tell him what she just saw with her two korokoro eyes. Ray promises to get his investigator to accost Hydie.

Later, Mea returns from Santa Domingo and heads straight to Ray’s house, where the entire family has gathered… yet again. Mama Kal is everything but welcoming, but Ray calms her down. Mea learns Kal is on his way over, and Ray’s investigator is on his way to Santa Domingo. 

Jimmy calls Mea and tells her to check her email. We don’t know what’s in the email, but it sends Mea into shock. In the kitchen, where she stands flabbergasted, she spots a door leading to a room with a red light and approaches it. Inside, Mea sees a painting she so eagerly peels off, and sees her sister-in-law’s face. Just as she exits, Mama Kal bumps into her and deliberately crushes her phone.

Everything goes downhill from here. 

In the kitchen, Ray, Mama Kal and Mea’s bestie move weird. Ray tries to get Mea to down a glass of obviously poisoned wine. Mea doesn’t. She’s also wondering why Kal is yet to show up, but her bestie tells her to join in making dinner. When Mea grabs a knife to cut vegetables, Mama Kal yanks it off.

When Ray returns, Mea asks for an update and learns his investigator has found Hydie. She says they should contact a judge but he says it’s better to wait till the next day. Mea then tells Ray to check his mail. The earlier message from Jimmy was confirmation that Mama Kal isn’t a cancer patient.

In quick succession, we find out the only reason we’ve sat through yeasty paint sex scenes and this entire fuckery is because the family cooked shit up to help Ray win an election.

Make it make sense. 

It’s at this moment we also learn Charlise cheated on Ray with Zyair, and he’s known the entire time, which is why he had a copy of her painting in his little red room.

Mea tells Charlise they need to get TF OUT. But what ensues is a stressfully choreographed kitchen fight that ends with Charlise getting stabbed to her untimely death, and Mea running for dear life down the streets of Amrica.

Kal FINALLY shows up, and Mea is more than relieved. She gives him a rundown of the horror she just witnessed and gets into his car. 

Kal makes a phone call to the police, but unknown to Mea, he’s actually on a call with his brother. 

Mea notices they’re driving back to the hellhole she just escaped from and is confused AF. She turns on the Bluetooth speaker and realises Kal is on the phone with his brother and is driving her back to her death. She tries to rile him up by hailing Zyair as the senior odogwu with more money, but this mini outburst ends quickly with a thunderous slap on her face. 

Mea stays in the passenger seat, stewing in her defeat, when she sees a trailer approaching and has a lightbulb moment. 

This happens next:

Ray gets arrested by the police and Zyair finally regains his freedom.

Just as the film prepares to wrap, Mea resurfaces since she tried to unalive herself, and watches in a corner as Zyair walks away a free man. 

When she turns to go about her business, she gets a genital meet and slam invite cosplaying as a “thank you message” from Zyair, but she does the “I’m so over your BS” thing ever and thrashes the phone.

The END.

You should read this next: I Watched The First 10 Parts of Who TF Did I Marry Series on TikTok, So You Don’t Have To

Naturally, I wanted to ask for the day off and focus on all 50 parts, but I’m a slave to capitalism and can’t be AWOL for eight hours of a working day. So, I decided to focus on the first 10 parts. 

Don’t worry, it has enough drama to make you ask “Why are men?”

Let’s get into it.

Part one opens and Reesa Teesa introduces the series which sums up her tumultuous marriage. She quickly makes it clear that names will remain anonymous, and when you see her shining teeth, it’s a coping mechanism to help her get through without breaking down. God, abeg.

Now, let’s call the man Mr A. Reesa met him before the world entered the coronavirus lockdown in 2020. They’d been texting each other online and decided to take things to the next level. Cue: Physical meet-up.

Reesa’s car chose to act up on the day the Lord had made, but what’s a true love story when the damsel is not in hot rogbodiyan?

Mr A showed up and showed out. He was the complete gentleman who fixed her car, handled the bill and still took her on the date.

Reesa was impressed, and things picked up real sweet afterwards. Sadly, coronavirus came into the picture unprovoked, forcing the world into lockdown. But even lockdown and COVID couldn’t stop their love wantintin. Reesa and Mr A decided he should move into her apartment for quarantine because he had a smaller space.

Again, Mr A picked up most of the bills in the house quicker than anyone could blink, leaving out just a few for Reesa. Our lady was impressed. She’d never been with a perfectly gentle Odogwu who’d made it his life’s assignment to spoil her silly.

Thanks to the lockdown, they spent a lot of time together and got to know each other on a deeper level. Family, life’s goals and all that shebang.

Reesa learned Mr A has five siblings. He’d always call the oldest every day and plug in the classic Yoruba demon line “Our wife is greeting you,” and Reesa would holler back.

But get this, he never gave her the phone for any direct interaction.

Still in the “Getting to know ourselves better” phase, Reesa learned Mr A came with small baggage. He had an ex-wife and two step kids whom he had a healthy relationship with. His approval ratings went up another notch because a man who’s present in his stepchildren’s lives? A keeper. 

Things continued to go well between them, and in May 2020, Reesa got pregnant. They both decided to buy their own house and move in as a proper couple. Again, Mr A took the front row and did the Lord’s work in making their dreams come true.

Enters major red flag number one.

Reesa found out Mr A never carried through with the plans to get a house. 

He’d shown her a $750k document confirming he’d been approved for a mortgage and would pay for the house in cash. But when it was time to pay, he’d come up with batshit confusing stories about an offshore account. 

Mr A finally returned and claimed he’d made a down payment. But when Reesa called the realtor to confirm, she discovered it was all lies.

The back and forth over the payment continued for weeks until she finally learned the house Mr A claimed he paid for had been bought by someone else. 

Here, Reesa admits she should have packed her things and called it quits, but she gave Mr A’s lying ass the benefit of the doubt. 

Fast forward to June, Reesa had a miscarriage that also required a medical procedure to make sure she was alright. Coincidentally, Mr A miraculously was promoted at work and was unavailable.

Reesa had to rely on friends and family to help her get through the phase. He was everything but the loving and caring guy she met months ago.

She finally forgave him and they decided to go house hunting again. This time, Reesa was involved in the entire process and found the perfect house. Mr A offered to pay $699k in cash, and Reesa was beyond flabbergasted. 

When Mr A signed an offer for the house in her presence, Reesa was relieved. “He’s probably not lying this time,” She thought. 

When the house sellers requested proof of funds to verify if Mr A had $699k cash for the house, the heavy lies returned, forcing both the realtor and sellers to pull out.

Again, Reesa was confused AF because didn’t he just say he had the money in cash? Also, he handled all the bills in the house without fail, so WTF was going on?

While the house-hunting shenanigan was still hanging in the air, Mr A pulled yet another trick. This time, he said he wanted to get a company car and also wanted his baby girl to get one.

Reesa, who drove an old model Nissan, was excited AF and went with him to the car dealership for a day of test driving. Listen, he had her drive everything from BMWs to Audi, Nissan Murano, Ford and Range Rovers. Eventually, she settled for an Audi. 

In typical Mr A style, he said he was paying cash for the car, and also told Reesa’s family via Zoom calls that he was getting her a car. 

Mr A asked the dealership if he could pay a holding fee to show commitment before he settled the rest of the fee. He later called Reesa and told her he’d paid for the Audi and gave her an expected delivery date. 

Delivery day came, and Reesa was all excited to take delivery of her car within the hours of 1-3 p.m. Mr A promised.

It was finally 3 p.m. and there was no car, no calls from a delivery guy, just pin-dropping silence. Reesa called Mr A and went “It’s 3 O’clock. The car never came. Do I need to call Audi myself?”

Mr A was pissed AF, got defensive and said the delivery truck is stuck somewhere and would be delivered by the weekend. The weekend came, and there was still no car. 

At this point, Reesa was tired of his BS and dragged him for filth. 

Part 10 wrapped up with Reesa passing on his offer of a car, insisting she’d buy one when she could afford it.  

At this point, she realised she was with a man who got his high from making promises he knew damn well he’d never fulfil.

If you’re invested in this story that is absolutely not your business, there are 40 more episodes to binge-watch when you have six hours that you’re not using. 

READ NEXT: Love Life: We Started Our Relationship With a Lot of Lies

Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.

The following tweet is my official intro for this article.

Let’s get into it.

The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.

After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??

The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.

TEN BANKS?!

So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.

In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:

As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:

Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”

While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.

After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.

Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:

Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.

Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).

The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.

Y’all. Look at this disguise.

I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since Lupin. Jesus Christ.

I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.

Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:

Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.

But Dera is like:

Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.

Zara freaks the fuck out.

She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.

Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:

Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”

Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.

Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.

This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.

Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…

…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.

Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.

And that’s when I clock what’s happening.

The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:

The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.

Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.

Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.

Today, I’ll be recapping “A Weekend to Forget.”

“The reunion of seven friends takes a deadly turn when old tensions resurface, leading to a murder. Trust is shattered, turning friends into enemies, and they must unravel the mystery behind the murder.”

– The movie’s synopsis on Prime Video

The movie starts with a man named Chief Ajasa (Akin Lewis) stepping out of an elevator and lighting a Cuban cigar right in front of a no-smoking sign. This is so you know he’s a villain who doesn’t give a shit about rules.

The movie then cuts to another guy named Asaolu (Francis Onwochei) in a hotel room having a genital meet & greet with an unnamed girl. He’s so engrossed in his genital bump session that he doesn’t notice two enormous men dressed in all black enter the room.

By the time he notices, it’s too late. The enormous men grab him by his boobs and toss him around.

Chief Ajasa has orchestrated this. He’s pissed because Asaolu was supposed to give him a business contract but gave it to someone else. So he’s decided to retaliate by doing this:

I haven’t been more gagged by the opening of anything since Game of Thrones‘ pilot episode hit viewers with the insane combo of incest and child murder.

After a title card, we meet Chief Ajasa’s daughter, Lisa (Uche Montana), a popular vlogger (?), and her boyfriend, Bem (Neo Akpofure). Bem has come to pick Lisa up so they can go on a weekend trip with a few of their friends. Chief Ajasa is there to say goodbye to Lisa when he notices the car Bem arrived in and is like:

Chief Ajasa suggests they take his SUV since he doesn’t like the idea of his precious daughter riding in Bem’s rickety ass car. Bem and Lisa agree to this and immediately get in and drive off.

Next, we meet Tito (Stan Nze) and Nodal (Erica Nlewedim). Tito is the newest Nollywood star on the scene, and Ndali is his manager/girlfriend. When the movie introduces them, they’re at a product placement photoshoot for Lord’s dry gin, and Tito is showing more boob than a horny teenager in a low-budget slasher film.

Can my fellow Ayesha Erotica fans in the house MAKE SOME NOISE!!!

When the photoshoot is done, Tito and Ndali head out for the weekend trip.

Next we meet Shima (Daniel Etim Effiong) and Layo (Ini Dima-Okojie). They’re married, and their childlessness is an ever-present elephant in the room because Layo wants one, but Shima kinda doesn’t. In their first scene, Layo has just gotten off a phone call with her mother.

Lastly, we meet Ferdinand (Elozonam Ogbolu), Bem’s cousin and wealthy playboy who has planned this weekend trip. Ferdinand welcomes everyone to the house he’s rented for them to party in, dressed in a cunty ass bathrobe.

There’s some tension in the group when everyone finds out Bem is coming. Shima especially makes it clear that he hates Bem’s guts.

Ferdinand takes them on a tour of the house and describes it like it’s about to be Wolf of Wall Street/The Great Gatsby levels of partying up in there, but it’s just a regular Airbnb with a few bottles of alcohol on the centre table.

What follows is an almost three-minute sequence of the most boring partying I have ever seen. The way it’s filmed is even weirder, soundtracked by KCee’s Ojapiano and with enough slow motion to shock Zack Snyder. There is one excellent shot of Ferdinand drinking champagne underwater, so I’ll just post that.

Later that day, Lisa is in the kitchen getting a bottle of water when Shima walks in and asks her how she’s been. It’s revealed that Shima is a lying bastard who dated Lisa for eight months and then ghosted her…while still married to Layo. Shima tries to gaslight her by saying:

And Lisa responds by gagging him.

She then reveals that she’s pregnant by showing him a picture of a positive pregnancy test kit.

And she threatens to tell Layo.

In the next scene, Lisa notices a giant butterfly tramp stamp on Tito’s lower back. She immediately recognises him as Jay Rocker, a famous pornstar from Xvideos, and even says she has one of his videos saved on her phone. Tito denies this with all the energy of Michael Jackson denying the plastic surgery allegations and storms off. He informs Ndali that he’s about to be exposed, and she promises to handle it.

She threatens Lisa with a defamation suit, and their interaction goes like this.

Not long after this, this happens:

Sizwe Bansi Lisa is dead. Layo, who is a doctor, checks the body and says it’s murder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in a classic whodunit.

Things get messy as hell from here.

Tito decides to leave because he can’t have his rising star extinguished by being involved in such a scandal. Bem locks the doors and screams that none of them can leave until they figure out who murdered Lisa because he will not be suffering the wrath of Chief Ajasa by himself.

Remember Chief Ajasa? It seemed like he would be a big part of this movie, huh?

Anyway, Tito tries to fight Bem for the keys but gives up when Bem retaliates by slashing Tito’s arm with a knife.

While Layo helps treat Tito’s wound, Ndali steals Lisa’s phone so she can delete Tito’s videos.

Let’s talk about this pornstar subplot for a bit.

If Lisa didn’t recognise Tito’s face when she met him for the first time and used the butterfly tattoo to clock him, that means Tito doesn’t show his face in any of the porn videos he made. This also means that Lisa’s death lets him off the hook because she was the only one who knew.

Another thing is Lisa stated she downloaded the video from XVideos, which means that all Titos videos are pretty much on every free porn site already.

So why is Ndali still trying to delete the video?

Shima is looking for bandages to help with Tito’s wound when he finds a positive pregnancy test kit in Layo’s box. He assumes it’s the one Lisa showed him a picture of and that Layo knows of his affair. So he goes to the living room and confesses to her in front of everyone. It turns out that Layo had no idea, and the pregnancy test is hers. She was going to surprise him with the news later. She’s pregnant, which is cool, but she also just found out her husband be cheating, so damn.

Bem sees this as a motive for Shima to have murdered Lisa, but Shima insists he was in his room with Layo, and she backs him up. Ferdinand asks Bem to relax, and Bem replies by throwing accusations Ferdinand’s way. Ferdinand asks what his motive is, and Bem says:

Ferdinand is like:

And he’s right. Bem throws his accusation as if Lisa knew about it and was going to expose Ferdinand. But we never know if she did because the movie never establishes this.

Shima, Tito, and Ferdinand are plotting to pin the murder on Bem when an alarm on Lisa’s phone goes off, and the phone is found in Tito’s pocket. Bem brandishes his knife at Tito, demanding to know why Tito has Lisa’s phone, so Tito confesses that he used to do porn before he became famous. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Bem unlocks Lisa’s phone, and the first thing that pops up is the porn video. Bem somehow recognises Tito in the video — even though no one’s face is showing — and recoils in horror.

Because how does he know it’s Tito if he’s not a fan?

Knowing that he looks guilty as hell, Tito tries to pin the murder on Ndali. And boy, is she pissed when she finds out.

Layo and Ndali later find the murder weapon in Bem’s closet.

After a quick fight to subdue Bem, who kicks all of their asses, Ndali knocks Bem out with a vase. They all decide to pin the murder on him and toss him in the pool to die for some reason. Bem wakes up after landing in the pool, but all the guys hold him under until he drowns in the worst death scene since Talia Al Ghul’s in The Dark Knight Rises.

They place Bem and Lisa in the driver and passenger seats, respectively and roll the car into a ditch, making it look like they both died in an accident. They then clean the house and leave the following day, promising each other never to speak of the weekend’s events. Ndali also breaks up with Tito and drops him as her client.

When Shima and Layo get home, Shima finds a necklace with an L-shaped pendant in his car. He remembers giving it to Lisa while they were dating and suspects Layo is the killer. He confronts her when they’re both in the house, and she’s like:

Layo explains that she didn’t plan the murder but was driven to madness after confronting Lisa and finding out about the pregnancy. Shima can’t expose Layo because she’s now carrying his child. So the movie ends just like Gone Girl did.

Chief Ajasa sashays back into the movie’s plot and has his men find the car containing Bem and Lisa’s bodies. Then we get this:

“The reason one of the taglines for “Saltburn” is “We’re all about to lose our minds” is because that’s exactly what happened to me when I watched these sex scenes from the movie.”

– Me (2023)

If you haven’t seen “Saltburn”, you probably already know what it’s about. Oliver Quick (Barry Keoghan), a student at Oxford on a scholarship, becomes obsessed with Felix Catton (Jacob Elordi), a wealthy and charismatic classmate of his, and proceeds to infiltrate his life, a task that becomes easier for Oliver when Felix invites him to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate named Saltburn.

Oliver eventually succeeds by engaging in insane levels of lying and scheming. He also does some things that can only be described as fucking unhinged. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the things I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve seen posts on social media about them. Those scenes are what we’ll be going over today.

The One With The Cum-Flavoured Bathwater

So we’re like forty minutes into the movie at this point, and out of pity, Felix has invited Oliver to spend the summer holiday with him and his family at their estate. Felix and Oliver are staying in adjoining rooms and share a bathroom. One night, Oliver peeps through the bathroom door on his end and finds Felix beating the shit out of his meat in the bathtub.

Oliver finds this hot as hell.

So after Felix sprays his man seed in the bathwater and leaves the bathroom, Oliver has an idea.

He climbs into the bathtub and rubs his face in Felix’s cum-flavoured bathwater.

Just when you think the scene is over, Oliver takes it up a notch by sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain and slurping up what’s left of the cum-flavoured bathwater.

The One With Period Blood

As soon as Oliver arrives at Felix’s family’s estate, Venetia (Alison Oliver), Felix’s sister, takes a weird liking to him. She parades the estate grounds in a see-through nightgown in view of Oliver’s room window, hoping to get his attention, and she does. He comes down to meet her, and after a sexually charged conversation, he says he wants to eat her hairy snail. Venetia isn’t against it but points out that she’s on her period. This doesn’t deter Oliver at all. He looks at her and says…

And proceeds to eat her out, looking like Beelzebub from “End of the Wicked” in the process.

Oliver also feeds her the period blood in what I assume is a kinky display of their power dynamic, but I won’t show you that because I hope to make heaven someday.

The One With The Non-Consensual Genital Meet & Greet

Farleigh (Archie Madekwe), Fexlix’s cousin and classmate at Oxford, is super suspicious of Oliver when Fexlis starts hanging out with him. Farleigh also lives at Felix’s family’s estate and hates that Oliver will be spending the summer there, so he keeps doing things to prove Oliver is a creep, including reporting Oliver to Felix for eating Venetia’s ponmo. Oliver doesn’t like this, so he sneaks into Farleigh’s room one night and straddles him.

Farleigh tries to move, but Oliver holds him with his thighs. He tells Farleigh he doesn’t like how Farleigh’s been acting, asking him to behave. Farleigh responds by saying no twice but says yes the third time. Then Oliver does this…

…and pleasures Farleigh either by handjob or anal sex. The scene is shot in a way that doesn’t make it clear.

The One With Graveyard Sex

This one has a kind of a long setup, but stay with me.

Throughout the movie, Oliver tells Felix (and the Catton family) details about his home life. He says both his parents are poor drug addicts and that his father recently died of an overdose. Felix’s pity for Oliver is why he invites Oliver to stay at his family’s estate over the summer. On Oliver’s birthday, Felix surprises Oliver by driving him to see his mom. What Felix meets is not what he expected: Oliver’s father is alive, his parents are not drug dealers, and they live in a respectable middle-class suburb. Felix is horrified by Oliver’s lies, telling him to fuck off. Felix is found dead the following day.

After Felix’s funeral, Oliver goes to Felix’s grave, lies on it, and cries. This goes on for a while, and you start to feel bad for him until he…

…and starts dry-humping the fresh soil on the grave!

All this happens in the rain, by the way.

Bonus Entry: The Finale

It’s not a sex scene but involves nudity, so I’m throwing it in here. By the movie’s end, Oliver is now the sole owner of Saltburn and the Catton family fortune. How did he do this? By all that lying and scheming I mentioned earlier. Let’s go over it.

He orchestrated the incident that led to him and Felix meeting and poisoned Felix’s drink to avoid being exposed for his lies to the rest of the Catton family. He set Farleigh up for theft, causing the Catton family to kick him out of the house. He orchestrates Venetia’s suicide by suggesting it to her while she’s in the bathtub and leaves razors nearby. Felix’s father, James (Richard E. Grant), dies of a broken heart not long after Venetia’s death, so Felix’s mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike), who has taken a liking to Oliver, asks him to live with her permanently.

Elspeth becomes fatally ill a few months later. As she’s on her deathbed, after putting Oliver as the sole heir to the Catton fortune, he reveals to her his role in the series of unfortunate events that have happened to her family. He turns off her ventilator and watches her die. Then he proceeds to do cocaine and dance naked around the mansion — swinging his actual penis, not a prosthetic — to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s “Murder on the Dancefloor.”

THE END

“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”

– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video

The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.

I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.

I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.

The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi — who the narrator refers to as his father — so I’ll do my best to speed through it.

Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.

The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.

Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).

If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.

Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.

Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.

After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways — including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.

None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.

For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.

Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!

Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”

Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.

Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.

After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.

Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.

He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:

Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.

Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.

At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.

Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:

Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.

Then just doesn’t give a shit.

Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.

Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre ” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.

Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.

Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.

Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.

The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:

Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.

THE END

At the peak of the chaos, Tacha and Omashola had their famous fight in Biggie’s house, and viral music producer and content creator, Lord Sky, flipped the video clip to audio, laid it on an Ogene beat and turned into a banging mp3.

In 2020, Omashola, Tacha and Lord Sky brought some more housemates and friends together to do a music video for what Lord Sky had made. Money that could’ve been spent on COVID-19 palliatives for the poor was lavished on an abuse fest movie.

Lord Sky owned the song; Omashola and Tacha were just sample characters on the beat. So how did it get credited asOmashola’s song featuring others?

P.S: “Chiwawa” is the song title and it’s just Nigerian for “Chihuahua”.

Anyway.

If you didn’t already know you shouldn’t take this song seriously, you’d know from the beginning of the video.

Do I even need to say why?

I can’t tell if this is a high court or a circus. But they’re in a court of law. Are the balls on the judge’s table there to signify that “the ball is in his court” regardless of who’s actually guilty?

Instead of a mock dock, maybe Omashola should be in an actual court to answer for all the ridiculous outfits and photo shoots he litters his socials with.

Don’t even get me started on the fake Navy officer who can’t tell a court setting from the air force. Or this restless court clerk.

Then comes Lord Sky. We know he was the producer, but why is he cooking in a court? He even brought his piano and Yamaha H8 studio monitors along. Why?

The song finally starts playing as Omashola and Tacha take their oaths. And we see that the video casts Nasty Black as a lawyer, only he’s holding a goat.

I’m not really surprised to see a goat in court because only stubborn people get dragged there anyway. 

Next, someone strolls a Chihuahua dog to the front. Confusion gets me for two seconds, then it becomes clear. Remember the animals Omashola and Tacha called each other during their classic fight back then? They’re about to have a refight through an actual goat AKA Lil Sholzy, and Chihuahua AKA Little P Bites.

Little P Bites can fight.

The court audience is shouting, but it’s not clear if they’re rooting for any of these fighters.

Tacha, a defendant in the dock, is quietly thinking what in the fooling is going on. Omashola, a co-defendant obviously not conforming to court rules, is the one taking centre stage and causing drama. 

Screams of “Barking dog, Chihuahua, nkiti, nzobu and anofia” mix smoothly with Lord Sky’s beat banging in the background.

A human fight breaks out finally as lawyer Nasty Black puts his finger in the presiding judge’s eyes while his client, Lil Sholzy, sprays documents in the air. 

Tacha’s calmness ends, and “She-goat, Chihuahua, anofia” is thrown left and right.

Some of the audience are only there for the entertainment and are getting what they come for. While others focus on their female counterparts, ignoring the foolery around them.

In the midst of the chaos, a dance talent show breaks out. Three guys in shine-shine clothing do a funny routine. Nasty Black and the reigning face of misogyny, Seyi Awolowo, join in.

Female dancers aren’t left out.

The judge joins the circus.

Lord Skye knows the abuse fest won’t end until he calls his guys to set-up to entertain with music.

When Lord Skye begins playing, the spirit of unity falls on everybody. Fight ceases, and they all become cordial.

Lil Sholzy finally escapes and Nasty Black runs after it.

Tacha and Omashola give each other a hi-five and become best friends forever.

The video ends with a message on the screen as Omashola admonishes Little P Bites to stop tensioning Lil Sholzy.

I want to use this medium to thank Lord Skye for being an incredible pacifier, even though he cooked the video clips into a viral hit in the first place.

Thanks to the fighters, Tacha and Omashola, too. Finally, the two adults can rest from calling the names of animals in English and local tongues.

Okay, enough reaching for today.

Anyway, let’s get into it.

Once I heard the traditional drums and chants, and saw the wide drone shot of a thick forest, I knew I was in for an interesting one. Next thing, there’s a strangely artistic mud house sitting on a rock.

The narrator describes a powerful warrior and jazzman called Ogundiji (Femi Adebayo), and we see him swagger to his throne in a dark fur garment that drags after him. A king looks at him like he’s glaring at God. According to the narrator, Ogundiji is “the messenger of the powerful people.” But this king, who’s supposed to be a powerful client, looks more like an Ogundiji groupie.

An unnamed warrior (Odunlade Adekola) raids a kingdom called Keto, holds the royal family hostage, kills the prince and steals the crown. He draws his sword in the air one last time, but before he can take the king’s head, a weapon comes of from nowhere and butchers his hand off. Blood springs everywhere, Quentin Tarantino style.

Everyone’s shook, including the new amputee himself. It’s Ogundiji in the building. Bully pass bully.

Far away from all the chaos, a young man walks through the forest when he’s suddenly waylaid by a huge tree. He composes himself and talks to the fallen tree, commanding it to let him pass. Lo and behold, the tree stands and gives him the way. 

Thankfully, there’s a narrator to read this tree commander’s profile, so I didn’t have to wonder who he is. Gbotija (meaning “Only answer to fights”) is the son of Lagbayi, from a long line of wood carvers. So naturally, he has the power to talk to trees. He’s on his way to enroll in Ogundiji’s School of Warriors, to learn the art of war.

After some training, the time finally comes for the student warriors to go on their first mission — to wage war on a small settlement called Ota Efon. If you’re looking for dark magic that turns day into night and produces cannons of fire, you find it here. You’ll get flying kicks, sword fights and acrobatic moves too. Despite it all, Ogundiji’s trained warriors are met with resistance.

While the war is ongoing, and Ogundiji’s men are suffering defeat, his top generals make merry somewhere in the bush, waiting for their juniors to finish business and come back to them. Ogundiji’s deities notify him of this at home. Sharp-sharp, he goes into his control room to command his killing machine, the demon assassin, Agemo, to win the war for him.

Agemo appears on the battle ground and puts everyone on pause. Then breezes through the warriors to slice and murder the soldiers on the other side. After the war, Ogundiji throws the merry-making generals into prison.

Night falls, and it’s time for dinner — akara and pap. But Gbotija, the tree commander, isn’t having it. Rightfully. After trekking to another town to fight war, and trekking back, why should two people share one akara and pap? Even the agbado era isn’t this heartless (but who knows? God, abeg).

Iroyinogunkitan (meaning “News of war never ends”), Ogundiji’s daughter, makes a scapegoat of Gbotija. They tie him to a tree and beat him black and blue like the Inter Milan jersey. The man has the pain bandwidth of Kunta Kinte, because why did they beat him to a pulp of paper maché, and he still won’t keep his mouth shut?

After the cruel show of supremacy, Iroyinogunkitan asks him to be her friend, giving him these “come and fuck me” eyes.

While Ogundiji’s wife (Fathia Balogun) begs him to forgive the imprisoned generals, one of the junior soldiers, Weyinwo, is busy passing akara and pap to them inside the prison.

Ogundiji catches them red-handed but spares the generals and sentences the junior soldier to burn on a stake. Then he sends his burnt corpse back to his town.

On one side, the kings of the surrounding villages gather to plan their contribution to Ogundiji’s upcoming party. They troll each other about their undeserved thrones, a scene that felt too much like watching Nigerian politicians merry over the national cake.

On the other side, the burnt soldier’s girlfriend seeks a spiritual eye-for-an-eye by sending three ghost gunmen to kill Ogundiji’s wife. Gbotija talks to the dane guns made of wood and the gunmen eventually disappear.

Gbogunmi (meaning “Swallow war”), an alumnus of Ogundiji’s war school, comes to tell Ogundiji he can’t carry out an evil assignment to raid his own wife’s town. Angered, Ogundiji promises to punish him.

Everyone has heard that Gbotija saved Ogundiji’s wife. Gbogunmi befriends him and promises to gift him some charms. As Gbotija’s popularity rises, so does Ogundiji’s hatred for his student. He gives Gbotija a death sentence disguised as promotion tests. First, he tells him to fight Gbogunmi to the death.

Gbotija is victorious and qualifies for the second stage of the test — a seven-day dry fast while locked in a coffin.

Kitan and Gbotija bump genitals in preparation. After seven days, and even though Ogundiji ordered for the coffin to be thrown into a river — in a scene that gave the movie’s CGI budget a run for its money — Gbotija survives. Of course, the coffin is made of wood, and he’s a wood whisperer.

For his last test, Ogundiji sends him to annihilate a town during a Yemoja festival. Gbotija ends up turning their white clothes to blood red.

On his way back to the war school, Agemo attacks him. But why is Ogundiji trying to kill his own apprentice? After asking these questions and playing hide-and-seek in the trees with Agemo, the latter falls hard on a tree branch. Gbotija takes off the demon’s mask, and it’s his babe, Iroyinogunkitan.

As she dies, she reveals how she’s just a kid Ogundiji stole from a village he came to raid. Devastated, Gbojita enters Ogundiji’s compound with her corpse and reveals the cause of her death to Ogundiji’s wife. Their back and forth further reveals that Ogundiji has a son with a regent king in another town. Omo, there’s no greater betrayal than this. But the bombshell is that Ogundiji’s wife actually sacrificed her womb for him to gain powers.

Yet, this OG Yoruba demon has the audacity to ask what she’ll do about it. Ogundiji goes on to brag about his evil powers, and all the towns he’s conquered, when Gbotija realises he destroyed his own town. Ogundiji is the reason why his father had to sacrifice himself for Gbotija to live.

After realising he’s been fighting and killing for his father’s killer, he calls for support. The army divides into two, choosing sides to fight one last battle. During the ensuing chaos, Ogundiji’s wife stabs her husband with Agemo’s knife, demystifying his jazz and allowing Gbotija to finish him off.

It turns out “Jagun Jagun” isn’t about war, but love, betrayal and unchecked power. Gbotija only became a warrior to avenge his father’s death. Ogundiji didn’t value his wife or soldiers, all of whom sacrificed greatly for him. 

But it didn’t really end there. Ogundiji’s son (Ibrahim Chatta) hears the bad news and comes running home.

Now that Ogundiji is dead, will his son inherit his fine fur capes and hats, or will they collect dust on a hanger somewhere?

We await part two.

The movie starts with drums and the voices of a group of Ifá women dressed in white, with beads to match, singing in remembrance of a late fellow Ifá initiate.

Enters someone with dreads so long, she has a person packing it for her. I start to ask who this Damien Marley wannabe is. Turns out it’s just Asabi (Toyin Abraham). She sits and the Ifá women welcome her. I’m quite surprised these Nigerian mamas didn’t even comment her hair isn’t part of their culture. Also, I’ve never seen a rasta with Yoruba tribal marks before. This is a discovery.

She enters a room and stands in front of a calendar that tells you it’s a funeral. She stares at it and leaves. On a day she’s allowed to be vulnerable, she chose stoicism.

Next, she’s at what appears to be her mother’s tombstone. She puts one 2006-ass rubber flower on it. No one’s mad at it sha. The dead can’t touch flowers, and real flowers will wither anyways.

The title card quickly comes and goes. Asabi is now on a mountain, touching the rock and having flashbacks of her younger self lying on the same mountain, in pain and covered in blood.

I still don’t understand what’s going on, but she’s now in her house, looking at data of different babes. I’m thinking two things:

• She’s a pimp
• She’s into women

It turns out she’s neither. But she has her eyes on one of the girls — a Sharon from Uganda. And even though Asabi’s workers urged her to pick another babe, Sharon is her choice for an extraction mission. This is a stressful scene. But Asabi money has to waste, why not hire from Uganda?

Next scene is in a church. Singing and dancing, everywhere. Then the pastor, Olujide (Kunle Remi), comes to the altar to scam believers of their dollars.

After service, Mary (Lolade Okusanya), the church’s chorister, comes to seek financial help, but Pastor Olajide turns her to God for support. Mo’fucker wants to eat all the dollars alone. Smh.

Then, we find out that Jide is a pastor by day, crime syndicate member by night. And… the syndicate is his church’s investor.

He faces the syndicate.

He’s spending their money, buying properties, but he explains he’s not stealing. They aren’t having it.

The syndicate boss (act by Bimbo Akintola) vexes, reminds Jide she’s his god and blasphemy won’t be allowed. But what’s the effect of her Scorpion-from-Mortal-Kombat-ass voice? Not even Jide in her presence is afraid. Lol.

Pastor Jide, angry at the elders still talking to him like he hasn’t leveled up from the Jide that came from Abeokuta, heads straight to the strip club to calm his nerves. He sees Sharon with a big bum bum — yes, the same Sharon that Asabi (from the beginning) chose — and he’ll do anything to get her.

Jide starts to force himself on her, and when she won’t let him have his way, he removes her masks but mistakes her for Mary, his church choir mistress. The creep pastor frightens the babe off. He heads home with that horniness and delivers a hot fok to Mummy G.O.

Another day, another morning, another direction. In typical Nigerian man fashion, he starts being nice to Mary.

Still confusing her for Sharon.

Next, we find out what Asabi and Sharon are up to. The mission is to get Sharon close to Jide and steal a thumb drive from him.

While Jide keeps drowning in lust for Sharon, Asabi remembers her late herbalist father and how he fortified her before he died at the beginning of the film — remember the Ifa ceremony? She also flashes back to the nice romance she shared with Jide before his pastor days, how he left her after tasting small money.

Jide’s at the strip club with Sharon again, but this time, Sharon will do anything to get his thumb drive. She did it. I don’t know how, but the thought I hold is they’ve been inside each other, so why can’t she be inside his pockets? Anyways, she presented the drive to Asabi, and it turned out to be the wrong one.

Jide a.k.a. always on the road, is already at the syndicate’s meeting house. Warmer temperament from their last meeting. Money is rolling in; everyone’s happy.

Surprisingly, Sharon calls Jide that afternoon for hot knacks and insists it must be in his house. Though he’s a married man, the mf is not the type to turn down sex.

After rounds of satisfying coital meet-and-greet, Sharon shares a bit of her life trajectory. Jide Jendo recollects his history with Asabi; he broke her heart, poisoned her and even left her for dead… isn’t he insane?

His syndicate boss’ call snaps him out of his memory lane. He rushes out, leaving Sharon alone at his home. She finally gets what she came for; the real thumb drive.

Asabi discovers billions of dollars in Jide’s thumb drive and turns Robin Hood, distributing the money to people Jide and the syndicate have duped. Sharon gets paid and plans to return to Uganda. But only an unserious person will think they’ll escape unscathed.

Burning with anger, Asabi remembers her dad once more, and he tells her she’s destined to have only one child. Because she wasted her one child on Jide, she vows revenge.

In other words, the thumb drive isn’t the end of the fight. She confronts Jide at the funeral of one of his syndicate members.

He insults her and reminds her that her face looks like she fought a lion. Asabi’s response was that she’s proud of her tribal marks (she should’ve stopped here), culture, heritage and Nigeria. I’m lost. How did this become a patriots and custodian matter?

The statements Asabi made that she’s behind Jide’s successes haunt him in his sleep. He wakes up just in time his boss calls to tell him the syndicate has been exposed, and she’s fleeing.

Without caring to wake his wife who’s sleeping beside him, Jide speeds to his backyard and escapes police arrest on a boat.

Jide still thinks Mary is Sharon, so he and the syndicate kidnap and torture the poor church girl for the stolen drive. He’s about to shoot her when Wale, Jide’s younger brother, calls to tell him he has the real culprit.

While in the booth of Wale’s car, on the way to Jide’s location, Sharon miraculously manages to untie herself and texts Asabi that she’s been held hostage. Wale didn’t collect her phone? Didn’t tie her hands tightly? This movie plot keeps losing me.

At the kidnapping lair, Mary meets Sharon, the troublemaker that has complicated her life. Then it gets quickly confusing for the viewers. What’s this sudden family reunion? How did these ladies become blood sisters? What’s that Ugandan accent? Writers of this movie, how?

I was still thinking how that’s possible when Asabi’s men burst the door open with a grenade. BOOM!

Gunfight ensues; men flying up and down, left and right.

See Jide and Wale in action. Jide is many things: a pastor, whore, murderer, crime syndicate member and fighter too.

Finally it’s time, Jide and Asabi meet for their last face-off. He isn’t here for long talk, so he shoots her straight. But odeshi. Asabi controls the bullets and turns them back to paralyse him, eventually causing his death. E be juju, e be things.

But the display I find the maddest, that bursts my head is when she sends Wale floating in the air then tears him into cosmic dust.

Unfortunately, the innocent Mary dies at the scene.

The movie ends with Asabi and her bodyguard on her favourite mountain top. And honestly, it’s giving budget Eniola Salami and Ade Tiger. Now that her enemies are destroyed, is Asabi satisfied or is there another conquest coming?

Hmm.. some questions you should be asking too.

• Why’s there “born again stripper” in the movie title?
• Any reason Asabi has dada that’s longer than wire for drying clothes?
• She’s always riding in black SUV and handing out crisp naira notes. What’s her actual job aside from being an ex-babalawo’s daughter?
• Is her hair stylist in Lagos?
• Does the syndicate have spiritual powers? Their meetings have people carrying calabashes and give shrine vibes, so how come they didn’t go spiritual when their members started dying? What was the “disease” sef?
• Not exactly a question, but Sharon’s overacting when she eventually found the thumb drive killed my brain.
• How did Asabi’s bodyguard know with just one look that the thumb drive he got was empty?
• This may just be me, but Jide is supposedly the pastor of a mega church. How come he doesn’t even try to preserve his reputation? Guy whipped off his mask because he saw his church member. What if she decided to leak his secret? What kind of fake pastor talks explicitly so casually over the phone?
• Why did Asabi sacrifice her men in the last fight when aunty knows she has odeshi?

ATTENTION.

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