Zikoko arrives at a local market where foodstuffs are rumoured to be cheaper. In a corner, a commotion ensues between two traders: Pepper and Cucumber. Customers leave Pepper’s stall for Cucumber’s as the shouting match grows louder. Bystanders watch, with no one attempting to quell the fracas. Out of concern, Zikoko approaches the scene.

Zikoko: Please, take it easy. What’s the problem?

Pepper: Who is this one? What’s your business?

Zikoko: My name is Zik—

Pepper: Abeg, getat. You no go face wetin you come market for?

Zikoko: Ah, sorry. I thought…

Pepper: You thought what? Please, leave this place and mind your business.

(Zikoko turns away, muttering “Na me fuck up” under their breath.)

Cucumber: Hey! Ziko! Abi what did you call your name?

(Zikoko turns back.)

Zikoko: It’s Zikoko.

Cucumber: Sha come. What do you want?

(Zikoko approaches Cucumber’s stall.)

Zikoko: I want pepper. I heard it’s cheaper in this market.

(Cucumber shoots Zikoko a criminally offensive bombastic side eye before speaking.)

Cucumber: Had it been I know you, I for give you a dirty slap.

Zikoko: Ah. What did I do?

Cucumber: So you think you’re better than all these people in front of my stall? Ehn?

Zikoko: No now.

Cucumber: What is no? Oya, go to Pepper now. Let’s see how you’ll use ten pieces of tomato and rodo to make one pot of soup.

Zikoko: But I’m confused. It’s pepper I want and you’re selling cucumbers.

(Cucumber turns away, attending to other customers like Zikoko isn’t there.)

Random customer 1: Boda Zikoko, people are now using cucumber to supplement pepper. That’s why we’re here. It’s cheaper.

Cucumber (cutting in): For now o. For now.

Random customer 1 (continues): …and it tastes just as good.

Zikoko: So you mean I can use cucumber to make soup?

Random customer 1: Haven’t you been seeing the Instagram chef videos on social media?

Cucumber: Help me ask him o.

Zikoko: I thought cucumber was just for garnishing food and making healthy smoothies?

Random customer 2: I even heard some ladies use it in za other room.

(Cucumber leaps into the air, screaming.)

Cucumber: Tufiakwa! Evil people. They’ve come again to spoil the good things happening in my life with rumours and “them say, them say”. Oya, you!

(Cucumber points at random customer 2.)

Cucumber: Vamooze from my sight. Vamooze if you don’t want me to comot your teeth just now.

Zikoko: Please, calm down.

Cucumber: People like that want to ridicule and reduce me to an object of pleasure. They make people ashamed of associating with me in public.

Zikoko: So sorry about that.

Cucumber: Abeg, keep your sorry. You’re not blame-free. 

Zikoko: Me? How? What did I do?

Cucumber: Reducing me to something used for culinary aesthetics and discarded after?

Zikoko: But, isn’t it a good thing to help people stay healthy?

Cucumber: It’s good, but boring. The world doesn’t want boring. Nobody remembers you if you’re boring. It’s like a snake leaving no prints on a mountain. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party; the one people want every day. The one people can’t do without. Not the one treated as an afterthought.

Zikoko: I see. So, you’re getting that now?

Cucumber: Oh yes. I’ve been given a second chance, which is long due, and I plan to ride this wave for a long time.

Zikoko: But are you not getting ahead of yourself here? People still need pepper, even with you as a supplement.

Cucumber: Oh please. That one? Didn’t you see the display earlier on? He who the gods want to destroy, they first run mad.

Zikoko: I’m not sure I get your drift.

Cucumber: Pepper has had it coming for a while. Going into scarcity on a whim and leaving people to spend 100x the amount. The other day, I heard jollof made an off-white outing. Imagine jollof and off-white in the same sentence? Jollof that used to be red with hotness. God, abeg.

Now that people know there’s more to people like us, Pepper is getting jealous. E never see anything.

Zikoko: Sounds like a war is brewing.

(Cucumber’s phone rings.)

Cucumber: Hello? Have you set up the meeting date? We need to sustain the momentum now that the world still has our attention. If Gbigbe refuses to join the coalition, we’ll go to Gigun. If Gigun refuses, we’ll find a way still.

(Cucumber hangs up.)

Zikoko: Who was that?

Cucumber: You mentioned something about a war.

Zikoko: Yes, I did.

Cucumber: That was Carrot. We’re close to signing a deal with Atagbigbe and Atagigun.

Zikoko: Pepper’s relati—

Cucumber (cutting in): Tah! Relatives for where? People only remember them when Pepper chooses to go MIA. They’re seeking an escape and stand to benefit more from this deal.

Zikoko: I see. So the enemy of your enemy is your friend?

Cucumber: Precisely. If Rodo, Tomato, Tatashe and Shombo want to move like the world belongs to them, we’ll teach them a lesson.

Zikoko: I heard you say your price is cheap just for now. That means you want to move like pepper too?

Cucumber: Before? You think I came to this world to count ceilings? I won’t deny that I envy what Pepper has. I want that for myself.

Zikoko: But the people have turned to you because you aim to ease their suffering and offer a cheaper alternative.

Cucumber: For more than a month now, I’ve kept my prices between ₦200-500. But from next month? You’ll see the real me.

Zikoko: So this is how you want to use your second chan—

Cucumber (cutting in): Is that the time? Come and be going, please. I have an appointment with a Fitfam juice company.

Zikoko: But I thought you—

Cucumber: You thought what? That I’ll put all my eggs in one basket? Leemao.

Read this next: Tomato Is Expensive Again, but These Simple Hacks Will Help

Doughnut — or the milky variation of it — has gained popularity with Nigerians over the past few weeks. However, it seems not every type of fame is welcomed.

Thanks to Doughnut’s busy schedule, this interview is happening weeks after they actually reached out to Zikoko.

Zikoko: It’s nice to finally have you here.

Doughnut: I wish I could say the same.

Zikoko: Why not?

Doughnut: Can’t you see the way I’m looking? Don’t I look sick and manhandled to you?

Zikoko: I thought that was the look you were going for. 

Doughnut: I’ll let that slide because I need your help, and I don’t have much time before I resume my hard labour. 

Zikoko: Who’s subjecting you to hard labour?

Doughnut: Is that a rhetorical question?

Zikoko: …

Doughnut: You want to tell me you’ve not heard people singing my name these days? From Instagram bakers to WhatsApp vendors, it’s like everyone suddenly remembered I exist. 

Zikoko: Isn’t that a good thing? I mean, you’re famous because more people are interested in you. 

Doughnut: That’s exactly my problem. This sudden interest has done me more harm than good. I was a simple, minimalist snack. Just mix flour, butter, sugar, and I’m good to go. A proper low-budget babe, and I liked it that way. 

But you see Nigerians? They can never let a good thing be. Now, I look into the mirror and don’t even recognise the snack staring back at me. Ah, I’ve seen terrible things. [Shakes head in regret]

Zikoko: I feel like I know where this is going, but can you explain more?

Doughnut: That thing you’re thinking is exactly my problem. Whose idea was it to add milk abi whipped cream to me and change my name to “Milky Doughnut” without consulting me?

Zikoko: How were they supposed to consult —

Doughnut: It would’ve even been better if these bakers — if they can be called bakers — had kept to my minimalist style and added the milk in moderation. But no o. They decided to disfigure me with their milk concoctions till I looked like something that belonged on a kayan mata vendor’s page.

Zikoko: TBH, it looks weird.

Doughnut: God will bless you o. That’s why I came here. So you can help me beg them to stop it. As I speak to you now, a Doughnut somewhere is being torn open and then suffocated with milk. What happened to sprinkling a little sugar on top if you’re feeling adventurous? I wasn’t made for this life, please.

Zikoko: It’s likely just a fad; everyone will soon be tired.

Doughnut: That’s what I thought too. I thought, “Surely, the price of milk will soon discourage these people”. But I underestimated Nigerians. Your country people are now filling me with beans, ogi and even avocado.

Who did I offend? Very soon, someone will wake up with the bright idea to stuff me with groundnut paste and pepper and call it something like “Nutty Doughnut”. I can’t let it get to that. You people need to stop with these creations.

Zikoko: Hold on. Groundnut paste and pepper don’t sound so bad. Imagine how those flavours will complement each other.

Doughnut: Are you kidding me right now?

Zikoko: But why are you so resistant to change?

Doughnut: It’s not the change I’m avoiding. It’s that you Nigerians don’t know when to stop. That’s how one tribe started with just liking pepper. Now, they cook pepper with a dash of food. For another tribe, it’s remaining small for them to put crayfish inside cake. You people have started by pouring one tin of milk inside a baby-sized doughnut. Should I wait until I become extinct?

Zikoko: Hmm. I get your point.

Doughnut: I can feel another Instagram vendor summoning me to complete her latest creation. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Please, save me.

Zikoko: That’s a lot to ask. Saving people isn’t exactly our field of expertise. But we’ll be praying for you.

Doughnut: Ehh God. 

ALSO READ: Interview With Subsea Cable: “My Life Is in Danger”

Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to reports, this was caused by damaged subsea cable. 

 The question on most Nigerians’ lips remains: “Who even entered the sea to cut the cable?” Zikoko sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[Zikoko walks into a dark building]

Zikoko: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

Zikoko: Password? 

Zikoko mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

Zikoko: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn’t that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, it’s me. Sorry, I’m trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

Zikoko: You’re the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It would’ve been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

Zikoko: Me I don’t use to enter the sea o. You’ve never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. That’s why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

Zikoko: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you’re much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, I’m undergoing repairs. But that’s not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my “injury” a regular thing.

Zikoko: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

Zikoko: Ehen, that’s true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I’m saying at all? I’m telling you that I’ll soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that’s always collapsing.

Zikoko: Wait, let’s get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I don’t have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

Zikoko: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

Zikoko: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

Zikoko: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: That’s what I’ve been saying since.

Zikoko: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: That’s the idea.

Zikoko: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn’t sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Wait…isn’t that your pres…?

Zikoko: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who I’m even discussing my problems with. You didn’t hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I’m out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

Zikoko: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

NEXT READ: Interview With Noodles: “I’ve Left the Trenches and Don’t Plan to Return”

Zikoko hears the commotion on the other side of the hotel room door before it opens and NEPA enters.

Zikoko: Are you not hot?

Nepa: Is that how they greet your elders where you’re from?

Nepa takes the seat opposite Zikoko.

Zikoko: You’re wearing agbada and fila in this heat? The greeting can wait, Sir.

Nepa: Small heat that is outside? 

Zikoko: The heat is inside, too.

Nepa: Where? My friend, blast the AC and let us hear word.

Zikoko: With which light?

Nepa: Ehn, if there’s no light you can on your gen nau. Abi, are you a JJC?

Nepa opens a bottle of champagne and pours himself a glass which he offers to Zikoko.

Nepa: You want?

Zikoko: I want us to talk about the light issue.

Nepa: There’s no issue. We’re just on a small break.

Zikoko: Ehn?

Nepa: Don’t they go on breaks in your office?

We have gone off. If you people don’t like it, go and hug a transformer.

Zikoko: 

Nepa: Relax! There’s no light. Nothing will happen to you. The whole system is doing one kind because of the contract staff we hired. Give us some time, and we’ll be back.

Zikoko: Like how long?

Nepa: 

Ehn, some time. It’s not like I don’t want to work o. It’s just that I’m a very busy man.

Zikoko: Even right now that you’re on a break?

Nepa: Of course.

He takes a sip of his champagne.

Nepa: I’m into import and export, supply and demand.

Zikoko: Then, supply us with electricity nau

Nepa: Come, don’t make me angry. I said we have gone on a break. When you people were going on your December break, shebi, they allowed you.

Zikoko: So you decided to go on your break in February when they’ve dragged us to sit at Satan’s right hand in hell?

Nepa: God forbid. You and who are sitting with Satan? Look, I am Nepa, I can do whatever I want. Plus, the national grid needs to rest. Shebi you people kept complaining that it was breaking down. I’ve given him a break. You’re welcome.

Zikoko: But the heat and lack of electricity is almost as bad as that Indomie and bread combo.

Zikoko pauses and looks around.

Zikoko: How does this place even have light? Is it gen?

Nepa: Generator? In my building? No o. Steady power supply.

Zikoko: If you’re giving this place electricity, then share some with the rest of the country. Do you like how they’re insulting you?

Nepa: Insulting who? They’re not insulting me o. They’re insulting “the Neps”. 

Zikoko:

Sir, why did you ask me to come here?

Nepa: That’s the question you should’ve started with. You’d have saved us all this back and forth.

They hear a knock at the door. 

Nepa: Ehen, he’s here. Come in.

The door opens and a man walks in with a big carton in his hand.

Zikoko: Did it get hotter in here?

Zikoko fans themselves.  furiously. Nepa looks up at the man.

Nepa: You’re always doing too much. Zikoko meet Heat.

Heat: 

Zikoko: Ehn? What does that even… Why is he even…

Nepa: Shebi you people are looking for who to insult? Insult him.

Nepa gets up and brings the content of the box out one by one.

Nepa: Me, I’m just selling my generator batteries.

Zikoko: 

Nepa: Any type you want, I have it.

Zikoko: This… this is what you brought me here for? This is what you left your job for?

Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:

Zikoko: Ramsey!

Ramsey:

Zikoko: My idolo! 

After you, na you. There’s no counterfeit. My goat.

Ramsey: 

Ram.

Zikoko: Sir?

Ramsey: My name is Chibuzor Ramsey Thee Ram. Did you hear “goat” in my name?

Zikoko: 

Okay, sorry. Our bad. Do you have some sort of beef with go…

Ramsey:

If you’re going to disrespect me, you better move from my front. People want pictures with me.

Zikoko: Don’t be angry. We just wanted to find out if you and “that one” had issues. We won’t lie, you guys look like you share the same daddy.

Ramsey: Are you calling me ugly?

Zikoko: Never!

Ramsey: Take it back. Take it back before I ram into you. Look at me, take a good look at me, then go and look at that ugly, smelling thing. Do we look alike? I have horns, do goats have horns?

Zikoko: Well, ye…

Ramsey: Please, we’re not the same. I’m a hard worker, I’m tough, my people give limited edition suya, for God’s sake.

Zikoko: That’s true. Ram suya does taste really nice.

(Someone comes to take a video of Ramsey, and he turns to Zikoko.)

Ramsey: Shift.

Zikoko: Hmm?

Ramsey: Can you leave my video? Leave my video, please. Thank you.

(Zikoko steps to the side.)

Zikoko: How does it feel to be popular?

Ramsey: Great.

(He turns to Zikoko.)

I’m finally stepping into my glory. This is what I was born to do, to be a star.

Zikoko: Fame looks good on you.

Ramsey: You can see it too, right? Imagine if it was a goat?

Zikoko: So, what’s next for you? Do you have any plans?

Ramsey: I should be asking you that question.

When I’m done here, what’s next? You people will put me in a hotel until #BurningRam2024, right?

Zikoko: 

Ramsey: I know the economy is moving funny right now. But you people need to make the money move and put me in the presidential suite of Eko Hotel, nothing less. 

Zikoko:

Ramsey: I’d also need an assistant and a manager. Free tickets to all Zikoko events are a must. I want a spa day after this too because you people’s sun wants to burn me frfr.

(Ramsey looks up and sees Zikoko in the distance.)

Ramsey: Zikoko! Did you hear all I said?! I have needs, and you need to meet them!
Zikoko: When you meet your new bestie, you can tell them all your needs!

Ramsey: Ehn? Zikoko!!

Zikoko: 

Twi… X?

X Premium turns around on her swivel chair with arms spread wide.

X Premium: Welcome.

Zikoko: Thank you.

X Premium: Come, sit.

Zikoko: Yeah.

Zikoko looks around the room.

Zikoko: I just need to take in the decor of this place.

X Premium: It’s great, abi? When they said I should come in for the rebrand, the first thing I did was the office.

Zikoko moves further into the room, cautiously.

X Premium: I’m sure you’ve heard of all my exploits.

Zikoko: Exploits?

X Premium: You know, the great things I’ve done with X.

Zikoko: Yes, I know what exploits means. I just can’t believe you used it to describe your deeds.

X Premium: Do you know I bring in the money in this place? I’m the boss.

Zikoko: What happened to Elozonam?

X Premium: Who?

Zikoko: Right, I had that conversation with the bird. I’m talking about Elon.

X Premium: Oh, him? He’s the boss too. He likes to call me his brainchild. But I run things around here, so who’s the child now?

Zikoko: Huh?

X Premium: 

Let’s forget about that and focus on all the great things I’ve done.

Zikoko pulls out a pen and notepad.

Zikoko: Like what?

X Premium:

You’re joking, right? I’m making people blow. People are cashing out.

Zikoko: Yeah, how does that work?

X Premium: You don’t sound impressed. Why don’t you sound impressed?

Zikoko:

Me? I’m impressed o. Ahh. Only you by yourself, you’re doing poverty alleviation scheme.

X Premium: Thank you! You get the vision.

X Premium goes around her desk and throws her hand around Zikoko’s shoulder.

X Premium: See, one day I had a dream. Solve world hunger.

Zikoko: Via Twitter?

X Premium:

Zikoko: Sorry, X.

X Premium: Yes. 

Zikoko: So your subscribers are paying you to solve world hunger?

X Premium: Technically, they’re paying each other. It’s a great way for money to circulate.

Zikoko shuts the notepad and bends down to pick their bag.

Zikoko: Every time I conduct these interviews, I hear rubbish.

X Premium: Where are you going?

Zikoko: Back to my office before you use aspire to perspire so you don’t expire to finish me.

X Premium: So you don’t see the vision?

Zikoko: Mama, there’s no vision. Nobody can see anything. You just wanted people to subscribe and post longer tweets… exes… exclamation points? Woh, whatever you’re calling it now. It sha wasn’t working.

X Premium: Please, leave my office.

Zikoko: I was already leaving. You and your fake gold office can continue the good work.

Zikoko walks out and shuts the door.

X Premium: 

It’s real gold!

Zikoko:

The toilet stops at Zikoko’s desk and descends.

BBN Toilet: Hi

Zikoko: Since Monday?

BBN Toilet: Sorry, I had work.

Zikoko: So did I.

BBN Toilet: Yes, but we have different jobs.

Zikoko: 

Why are you smiling like that?

BBN Toilet: Like what?

Zikoko gestures  at BBN Toilet’s face.

Zikoko: That. You’ve been shining your teeth since you … floated in.

(under breath) What am I even doing?

BBN Toilet: I’m just happy.

This is the best feeling in the world.

Zikoko:  Stop. Please, come down.

BBN Toilet descends with a giggle.

BBN Toilet: Sorry. Work has been so good lately, I can’t believe my employers love me this much.

Zikoko: 

They told you they love you?

BBN Toilet: Obviously not. I can just feel it.

Zikoko: Because they hold meetings and cry around you?

BBN Toilet: You saw it too abi? They love me.

Zikoko: Maybe you’re just the only place they can get some form of privacy.

BBN Toilet: 

Zikoko: Look, I don’t want to sound like a hater, but I swear they were just leaving skid…

BBN Toilet slams their hands against Zikoko’s table.

BBN Toilet: That was a mistake, and it got cleared up.

Zikoko: They throw up in you.

BBN Toilet: That’s literally what I’m here for. I take their shit and provide them with a listening ear. Why can’t you understand that?

Zikoko: deep breath

So, this listening ear, have you always provided it?

BBN Toilet: I’ve tried, but, no one’s really seen me for me, until this season. You don’t understand, they love me, take care of me

Zikoko: Again, please remember the skid marks.

BBN Toilet: Why are you trying to steal my joy? They think of me as a friend.

Zikoko: Even…

BBN Toilet: Yes, even when they throw up in me. They bring their face close to me, and caress me …

Zikoko:

Okay, thank you so much for coming.

Zikoko stands up.

BBN Toilet: I should leave?

Zikoko: No. Never, I would never chase you away. You can stay and leave when you want. I have some business to take care of, so I’m going.

BBN Toilet: 

You’re going to see my friend?

Zikoko: No.

BBN Toilet: Yes, you’re going to see my friend that works here. Say hi to them for me.

Zikoko: I’m not … goodbye.

BBN Toilet: Bye.

Zikoko: Ahn ahn, Threads. Long time no see.

Threads: Don’t patronise me. Leave this place.

Zikoko: But you wanted us to patronise you last month. Why are you giving mixed signals?

Threads: How can you even accuse me of mixed signals? After everything you guys did to me.

Zikoko: (Scratches head) Sorry o. What did we do? A lot has happened this year, and we can’t remember everything.

Threads: We literally spoke a month ago. 

You and everyone else acted like I was the app you’d been looking for all your life. You made me think I was the best thing ever — 30 million sign-ups in less than 24 hours. You people love-bombed me. 

Zikoko: What do you want us to say? It wasn’t us.

Threads: Are you gaslighting me right now?

Zikoko: Oya, wait. Listen to me. We can work things out.

Threads: You all said you loved me because I wasn’t toxic. Only for you to start breadcrumbing me. You people barely open me anymore. And now, you want me to open up to you? 

On top of that, you went back to your toxic “X”.

Zikoko: (quietly blushing at the mention of “X”)…

We’re… we’re sorry.

Threads: Save it, please. You’re all scum.

Zikoko: There’s just something about “X”. We just don’t have that fire with you. But you deserve better.

Threads: Please, shut up.

*Bursts into hot tears*

My God will judge you.

Zikoko: Oya, stop crying. It’s enough. Sorry. We’re here for you.

Threads: Promise?

Zikoko: …

NEXT READ: 24 Hours of Threading: A Report Card for Twitter’s New Rival, “Threads”

Tequila: Zikoko?

Zikoko: Hmm? 

Tequila: Zikoko!

Zikoko: 

Tequila: Join me

Zikoko: No, thank you.

Tequila: Ahan, are we not friends again?

Zikoko: When did we become friends?

Tequila: Zikoko!! Feel free, relax.

Zikoko looks around the full bar.

Tequila: It’s for me. They’re here for me.

Zikoko: Is it your birthday?

Tequila:

Zikoko: 

Tequila: You’re joking, right? Obviously, you know why they gathered for me.

Zikoko: 

Tequila: Ahan. My album just dropped na. Hot stuff, fire music.

Are you hearing that song right now? That’s me.

Zikoko: Actually, that’s AG baby.

Tequila: What’s the name of the album?

Zikoko: That doesn’t matter. 

Tequila: Just say it.

Zikoko: Tequila Ever After.

Tequila: Gbam. That’s it. The album and I are namesakes, which means the album is mine.

Zikoko: That’s not how it goes.

Tequila: Tequila Ever After. I’ve become a legend.

Zikoko: Because Adekunle Gold put “Ever After” beside your name?

Tequila: I’ve been a legend before then. Don’t look at me with small eyes, I’m big. Big buzz, if you try me, you go loss.

Zikoko: Who dashed you?

Tequila: 

What’s your favourite liquor?

Zikoko: Wine

Tequila:

Tequila pours a clear liquid into a shot glass.

Tequila: Drink.

Zikoko sighs and takes the shot.

Tequila: How was it? Shebi it was smooth?

Zikoko: That doesn’t prove anything

Tequila: It does. I do my work, and I do my work well. No complaints.

Zikoko: (under breath) Gin does her work well too.

The music in the bar stops and everyone turns to Zikoko.

Zikoko: 

Puff Puff dances into the office, followed by her local drummers and entourage.

Zikoko: This is… 

Puff Puff: My friend, join me to dance! You know my story.

Zikoko: I don’t want to be that person but… we’re on the clock.

Puff Puff: That’s true. You’re right. 

Puff Puff sends her entourage away and finally takes her seat.

Zikoko: Welcome back to Interview With.

Puff Puff: Thank you o. Thank you. The last time, I was here with those ingrates. Today, I have the floor.

Zikoko: Ah yes. You people’s association of finger foods they don’t send message.

Puff Puff:

Zikoko: I’m talking about them, not you. As we can all see, you’re thriving on your own.

Puff Puff: Say it again. Those small children wanted to drag space with me. Me! But look at life now. I will always be on top, and they’ll remain under me. They don’t even have the range I command.

Zikoko: Speak your truth, Puff Puff. 

Puff Puff: Me that I was so good they named me twice, that low-budget gala, and the triangle one that’ll continue to have identity crisis. They hate on me, but I showed them.

Zikoko: Name and shame them, Puff Puff. Name and shame them.

Puff Puff: Spring roll and samosa, I’m talking about the two both of them. Because I was having a bad year, they thought they could insult an OG like me.

Zikoko: But people are still complaining about you. 

Puff Puff: Where?

Zikoko: Ahh, everywhere o. They’re complaining about all the shape-shift you used to shape-shift.

Puff Puff: Me, shape-shift? I don’t do that. 

Zikoko: They’re also saying you’re in your identity crisis era.

Puff Puff: Me?

Zikoko: They said you’re doing too much. Today, pepper. Tomorrow, Noreos. The day after, Oreos. The people are starting to get scared. They don’t know what they might find when they bite into puff puff these days.

Puff Puff:  

They’re all haters and clout chasers, and they can’t even cook.

Zikoko: Shhh.

Puff Puff: Don’t silence me. Customer is right, customer is right. Today, customer is wrong. I give people variety. However you want your puff puff, you can get it. If you dream it, you can achieve it.

Zikoko: Word. 

Puff Puff: Vanilla, chocolate, peppery, strawberry

Zikoko:

Puff Buff: You’re right, I shouldn’t be giving people ideas. If they sha don’t like one, they can find another that suits their taste better.

Zikoko: True.

Puff Puff: Why is your face still like that?

Zikoko: Sorry, that your strawberry comment just made me remember rainbow puff puff.

Puff Puff: What’s wrong with that? Same wonderful taste in different colours.

Zikoko: 

Puff Puff: Sorry.

Zikoko: Please, tell us about your come-up story.

Puff Puff: Hmm, I know I don’t look a day above 19…

Zikoko: 

Puff Puff: …but I’m old. I’ve been in this food business for a while now. It hasn’t always been stable, but I’ve always had my people and fans, the popping puffers, behind me. 

Zikoko: That’s the name of your fanbase?

Puff Puff: It’s not good?

Zikoko: If your fans like it.

Puff Puff: Aren’t you a fan?

Zikoko: 

You got me, you got me.

Puff Puff: Anyway, my core fans have always been there, but the haters always hate and spread rumours about me. They started with the playground lie, and that one made things tough for a while. 

Zikoko:…

Puff Puff: I now decided to join those ingrates and their useless small chops association. That’s when the haters started coming from everywhere to insult me. They said I was always too much. Before nko? The people that fill the pack with me know I’m the life of the party. That’s why they want me there.

Zikoko: It’s like you have plenty haters and enemies.

Puff Puff: Shebi, you too you are seeing it.

Zikoko: You don’t think it might be because of your bad behaviour?

Puff Puff:

Are you one of them?

Zikoko: One of what?

Puff Puff: My haters.

Zikoko pushes their plate of small chops away, with its ten puff puff pieces laying in the cold.

Zikoko: Never

Puff Puff: Better 

Zikoko: Before you leave, do you have anything else you want to say to your haters?

Puff Puff: Shame to bad belle people. I am the winner, you are the loser.