Twitter NG has never been known to take things lying down, especially when that thing is a possible lie or half-truth about speaking at the United Nations. The opposing party has held six Twitter spaces to defend her honour, but the people still aren’t convinced. 

As usual, the commentary that followed was hilarious.

If Yetunde Gold had taken this advice, we wouldn’t be where we are today

As you can see, the difference is clear

The love story we didn’t deserve

But what’s wrong with Nigerian Twitter?

She really made us spend 40 days and 40 nights on the matter when one reaction video could’ve solved everything?

“My Lord, may I?” but your lordship is just this Twitter user

A prime example of the internet never forgetting

Please, Iyanya just wants to play love

She has the right idea

It’s called unexpected grace

The Bible: “Forgive and forget”

Twitter NG: “For here?!”

Why are you people like this?

A little dragging for some tough skin feels like a steal

Context: 

But he has nothing to worry about. This person has his back

GET YOUR HERTITUDE TICKETS HERE

After the seemingly long and semi-productive break (L.O.L), school resumed about three weeks ago.

People are thanking Muslims for the public holiday, and I can’t relate because break where??? I have MB exams in three weeks, and lectures won’t end till next week. 

How I was going to cover 400 topics in five weeks was beyond anything I could think of, but miracle no dey tire Jesus.

As usual, I resumed with a plan; one week, one course.

Don’t even ask how that’s going. The more I read, the more I realise that wahala dey. If the Efikos are panicking, who am I but a pencil in the hand of the creator? 

At this point, said creator needs to step in because I’m beginning to believe Nigerian lecturers enjoy being wicked. How do you move your test to two weeks before the exam and then inform us about a presentation less than a week to it? Haba.

The first time I heard path & pharm exams were the hardest, I thought it was mere talk. After all, they said the same thing about my other exams. Now with every hug, I cry. “How are you?” – tears, “I brought food” — tears, “Call me if you need something” — tears. Even the Erin Ijesha waterfall has nothing on me.

My dwindling will to actually pursue this degree aside, I think it’s safe to safe to say I’ve finally hit broke-girl rock bottom in this school.

Just three weeks in, and all my money has disappeared – even though I’ve been making wise financial decisions. I survived…

…on biscuit flakes for two days, so it’s safe to say that I’m now lactose intolerant. I tried to cook.

I made Jollof spaghetti, and my concoction was inedible, but do you see that my desire to save money was obviously stronger than my desire to live?

Anyway, I now have just 1k in my account.

If you asked me how, I’d tell you that I was trying to get hot water to shower yesterday when my neighbour casually told me she sells perfumes. I didn’t know how to evade this, so I told her that she didn’t have the one I wanted, a big mistake, because she then said she was going to order it soon, and now I can confidently write a guide to thriving as a broke girl in school.

But you didn’t ask, so I won’t tell

All of that doesn’t bother me though, because money will always come.

On the bright side, it was retail therapy for me. I’m about to soak garri with my sleep-deprived eyes. Please act right if you see me with a plate in your room. 

Don’t comment about my body changes during this period. “You’ve lost weight”, “your eyes are darker”, “are you even eating?”, “see your neck”, “you’ve become skinny”. Nanret, if you were in my shoes, you’d look worse. Did you offer me food that I rejected? It’s always “You’ll be fine” and never “I bought massa and plantains for you”.

With everything going on, please don’t stress me. I have assignments due in the morning and haven’t started them. In between all this, I watched Gangs of Lagos. Who’s looking to be the Obalola to my Teni?

Written by Tetenta Naarai

They don’t pay rent 

Babies live rent-free. Imagine not having to pay your own rent at the end of each year/month. Must be nice. 

They always get what they want

All babies have to do is cry and they’ll get anything — whether it’s food, breast milk, toys… anything. Theee life we’re trying to live,  for real.

They don’t have jobs

That’s why babies are so cheerful and playful. They don’t have deadlines to meet so they’re just living based on vibes and giggles. 

They don’t have relationship issues

As a baby, nobody is going to come into your life and tell you they love you and serve you breakfast right after — unless it’s SMA.

They don’t go to school 

And when they’re old enough to start school, the only thing they do is eat, sleep and learn A,B,C and 1,2,3. SMH.

Babies don’t have to take care of anybody

Babies don’t have any parents or siblings calling them to ask for money.

Babies don’t pay bills

Unlike us adults living our whole lives to pay bills — including the childcare bills

Babies don’t fight

Babies don’t fight. Asides from not being able to fight, nobody can fight them. If you’ve ever had the urge to fight a baby, please check yourself.

People are nicer to babies

Babies are cute and small and peaceful, and this why people are nice to babies. 

If you’re one of those people that spend ₦50k on cocktails and pasta, be aware that you’re spending someone’s take home salary.

RELATED: 5 Nigerians Reveal Their Best Experience At Nigerian Restaurants

People who have never had to cook with a boiling ring

If this is you, it means you went to a posh boarding school and you’re not like the rest of us in the trenches. You’re so rich, you probably use money to wipe your tears.

People who have touched the furniture in Dangote’s house

Imagine the people that have sat on the chairs in Dangote’s house or those that have wined and dined with him on his dining table. We’d love to meet them and ask them how they felt.

People who go on trips with their friends

You know you’ve made it when that trip makes it out of the group chat. When we say trips, we mean every kind of trips: Mexico o, Cabo o, Paris o, even trips to Yankari Game Reserve and Olumo Rock follow. Where are you people seeing money in this economy?

Lagos Big Boys 

They drive Benz, buy Azul like they’re buying water, have Rolexes, go on trips, they’re Lagos Big Boys.

RELATED: The Complete Guide to Passing as a Lagos Big Boy

“Let Zikoko show where the money at! Subscribe to the Money By Zikoko newsletter to get all the gist about how money moves in Nigeria by Nigerians. Every Monday at 8 a.m.”

Lagos Big Girls

The queens of spending money. They travel to Dubai when they’re having a headache and Mauritius when they’re tired of how Lagos smells. If you’ve only been to Ijebu-Ode, respectfully, this isn’t you.

People who earn salary in dollars.

You’re in a country where the currency people spend is naira but you’re earning in dollars. You’re a baller and everyone around you is a mechanic.

RELATED: Are you a mechanic or a baller 

People with more than one passport

If you have two passports, please you need to cut soap for us. You guys are so lucky because you can decide to japa anytime.

People who own (or use) private jets

Only rich people take airplanes but people who have private jets are a whole different breed.

People who have solar inverters

NEPA keeps showing us shege but people with inverters can’t relate to the struggles the rest of us go through. When last did you shout up NEPA?

RELATED: Interview With National Grid

Abuja big boys

If you think Lagos boys are big, wait till you see Abuja big boys. We don’t know if it’s their sports cars, jalabiya, Audemars Piguet watch and the Rolexes that have earned them the right to talk down on money.

Abuja big girls

Shoutout to Abuja big girls! They’re the real queens of enjoyment. We’re trying to be like them but funds no dey.

People who live on the Island

If this is you and you’re reading this, welcome! We’re honored to have you here. How does it feel to be able to talk down on money? It probably feels great.

People who have more than one ATM card

Owing an ATM card means you’re a respected person in society. But owning two and above? You’re an Igwe, a chief, an ambassador, a royal highness, a baller and a bad bitch. 

People who don’t drink garri

If you don’t drink garri all the time like the rest of us, it’s probably because you’re busy eating sushi, pasta, seafood etc. How can you claim “trenches”?

People who can relate to what retail therapy is

If the first that comes to your mind when you’re sad is shopping, then yeah you’re an OBO and we want to be like you when we grow up. 

RELATED: Retail Therapy is Expensive, but Here’s Why it Slaps

People who can’t remember the last time they entered public transport

If you have a car or you’re always ordering Uber anytime you want to go out, you’re simply built different. We would love for you to tell us where you found your money. Are you a tech bro or a tech sis? What exactly did you do to get money?

RELATED: How To Do Money Ritual In A Way That Pleases God

“Let Zikoko show where the money at! Subscribe to the Money By Zikoko newsletter to get all the gist about how money moves in Nigeria by Nigerians. Every Monday at 8 a.m.”

People who use diesel generators

Only a rich person can afford to buy and maintain a generator that uses diesel because have you seen the price of diesel these days?

People that don’t check their account balance

Some people just swipe and swipe their cards all day long, without even thinking about how much is in their account. These are the people we’re trying to be like when we grow up.

People who have bought Airpods more than once 

If you’ve bought Airpods more than once, then you probably have a money tree in your backyard. Please, tell us what seed you planted to grow that tree. 

Our Weather

Our weather keeps us on our toes because it’s harmattan today and rainy tomorrow. If you always want to be alert, please come to Nigeria.

Asake

We’re not running from him but we love how he’s chasing us with good music on his okada. He deserves a thank you message from Nigerians.

RELATED: How Will a Nigerian Mum React to Asake’s Mr Money with the Vibe Album?  

Small chops 

The baddest bitch in the industry. The national treasure keeping the entire wedding industry afloat. Can you imagine a Nigeria without small chops?  

RELATED: Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff is Not a Part of Us

December in Lagos

The time of the year when you meet all your “I Just Got Back” (“IJGB”) friends and go to clubs, concerts and just have a nice time.  But please don’t get carried away because of their newly acquired accents.

Mothers

The food they cook is top-tier, even if it’s bad. And their prayers work like magic.

Grandmothers

I want to know how and why Nigerian grandmothers always have money. Be grateful for the wealth of these senior babes because it’s probably the reason your family bounced back from all of Nigeria’s recessions.

Twitter

When Bubu decided to ban Twitter, it was a difficult period for all of us. But now it’s back, you can be thankful for the privilege of being dragged for no reason, or you can be thankful for all the unhinged and funny stuff you see daily.

Dino Melaye

This man is a case, but at this point, we cannot think of a world without him and his clownery. Only Dino can jump out of a police vehicle and hawk groundnuts — and he’s not even contesting in elections yet.

RELATED: Dino Melaye’s Most Outstanding Oscar-Worthy Moments

Big Brother Naija

Nigerians love BBNaija season because it reminds them of the chaos and suffering of their day-to-day lives. Eating indomie? Fighting for daily bread? 

But at least someone gets to go home with ₦100m

Garri

After Jesus, garri saves. No matter how broke you are, garri is always there for you. 

Okada

Going everywhere in Uber is a lifestyle only tech people can afford. The rest of us? (except people in Lagos sha) will take Uber the day we’re feeling bougie and okada the rest of the week. The way the okada guy is riding might kill you, but living in

Nigeria is already extreme sports. What’s a little danger to you, child of the soil? 

Generator

We need to be thankful generators exist because the day God said, “Let there be light,” NEPA officials responded with, “Aired dfkm.”

Abula

Amala with ewedu and gbegiri, the holy trinity, if I say so myself. Amala is something to live for.

WhatsApp and Facebook

This one is for Nigerian parents. Nigerian mothers should be thankful to the founders of Whatsapp and Facebook because how else would they know that ginger and garlic cures coronavirus?

Korean movies

The love Nigerians have for K-drama is beyond anybody and everybody. Even if you don’t watch K-dramas, you’ve probably heard of BOYS OVER FLOWERS, CITY HUNTER, THE HEIRS and if you don’t know them, then you probably live under a rock.

RELATED: 10 Best Korean Series You Must Watch 

Nigerian youths

Shoutout to the most vibrant and hardworking people in the world.

RELATED: Why Are These Businesses Still Running if Nigerian Youths Are Truly Broke

Plantain 

Plantain is one of the baddest bitches of Nigerian food. She’s a versatile queen, and she deserves more credit than she gets. Plantain can be boiled, fried, roasted and some people even eat it raw. Rice could never.

Fuji Music

You cannot say you’re Yoruba and not be thankful for Fuji music. The day Fuji was born was the day Yoruba people were born. If you want to impress your Yoruba in-laws, just play Fuji music for them; they’ll love you! 

Nigerian wedding after-parties

If you’ve never been to a Nigerian wedding after-party, please add it to your bucket list. I don’t know if it’s the endless flow of alcohol or the DJs or the hype men, but there’s something about them. Maybe it’s the fact that the aunties who usually annoy you are too busy having fun to be on your case.

Nigerian aunties

Apart from the fact that they don’t mind their business or that they’ll complain to your parents about your ashawo gowns, they’re actually not so bad. They give you money, sometimes-sound advice, and will come through when you really need them — even though half the time, they’re reasons why you needed a come-through anyway.

Nobody will pass off a chance to win an all-expense-paid trip to KENYA with the winner of Nigerian Idol Season 7. So if you are still thinking, dreaming, waiting, or thinking you have enough time, then you are wasting time because this promo is ending on the 7^th of June.

Do we have your attention? Here’s how to participate. 

There are two ways to participate in this promo: offline and online. For offline, all you need to do is:

1. Visit a TECNO store nearest to you.

2. Purchase a TECNO CAMON 18 or Phantom X smartphone and get a raffle ticket which qualifies you for a chance to become one of the lucky winners. There’s more. You will get an instant gift when you buy any POP 5 GO, POVA NEO, or SPARK 8P.

For the online it gets more interesting, all you have to do is:

1. Choose any of the songs performed by your favorite contestant in the Nigerian Idol Season 7 show.

2. Using a TECNO CAMON 18, record a one-minute video of yourself singing the song. 

3. Use the hashtag #TECNOWinATripPromo #TECNOHomeEdition on your social media pages on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

4. Invite your family and friends to like the video and show their support.

And that is it. You stand a chance of being one of the three winners to travel to Kenya with a celebrity as your closest buddy. Don’t miss this opportunity to make that secret of yours come true. Rush to a nearby TECNO authorized dealer store now and buy yourself any of the CAMON 18 series, and if you own one already, whip out that CAMON 18 and start singing!!! Fortune favors the bold.

If you’re wondering what makes this spot special, here are 5 reasons.

1. There is a Chophouse

Yes, exactly how it sounds. You can chop all the delicious local and international meals you want here.

2. There is a museum

The museum holds over 200 pieces of Nigerian antiquities; masquerades, igbo ukwu pieces, benin and ife bronzes, drums, panels and carvings collected over a period of 50 years. Definitely worth feasting your eyes on.

3. Games galore

You’ll have access to full eSports centre offering global and local gaming leagues on the premises. Perfect way to unwind.

4. Arts & Creativity

Art exhibitions and digital skills training are periodically hosted. Satisfy your soul’s artsy cravings.

5. Best of both worlds

Ever felt like you wanted to have the best of both worlds – modern and traditional – while preserving important aspects of your culture? Iba Ajie Centre is definitely the place for you.

Iba Ajie is a community and resource center which houses a museum, a restaurant that sits 29 inside, co-working spaces, a research library with 2000 reference books, a coding and digital academy with 35 workstations as well as 62 gaming consoles for eSports and gaming competitions. We also have a training room and performance spaces indoor and outside.

Find out more here.

1. 2020 was a bad boy

“The year 2020 was one of the most trying years since our existence as a Nation”.

Buhari’s address opened with him acknowledging that 2020 was a difficult year for Nigeria. We agree; ignoring the death of peaceful #EndSARS protesters killed in public view must have been very difficult.

2. Our enemies did not win

“We have confounded the many pundits at home and around the world who never gave the newly-born country that emerged unto the world stage on 1st October 1960 a chance of surviving much longer than a few years.”

Buhari’s address reflected on Nigeria’s 60th independence anniversary that happened last year, stating that our enemies said we would not survive but look at us today.

3. Home or away, Nigerian youths are proper ballers

“Our young people are our most valuable natural resource, at home and abroad. Their ingenuity, creativity, innovation and entrepreneurial spirit is evident to all. Many of our young people are excelling in various spheres of life including sports, entertainment, information and communication technology, commerce and are globally recognised as achievers.”

Buhari admits here that the youths have brought their A-game, stop calling them lazy. Let us support them small, especially those Paystack boys.

4. We will SEA what we can do

“This administration would continue focusing on delivering key strategic priorities under our “SEA” – (Security, Economy and Anti-Corruption) Agenda.”

SEA is the version of Yar’Adua’s 7-point-agenda that did not finish from school.

5. We have been trying since Jonah left, ha, you people should see nau

“Nevertheless, I call upon all Nigerians to carefully recall the circumstances of our coming to office, the facts on the ground and the resources at our disposal since 2015 with the accomplishments of this administration”.

Buhari said he has been trying since 2015 — e no just easy to be starboy. That Jonah boy did not do his work, so Buhari says he has to be the tough guy.

6. COVID-19 vaccine fit come and e fit no come

“…Keeping our country safe from a resurgent cycle of COVID-19 as this administration finalises its plans to procure and efficiently and effectively distribute the COVID-19 vaccines.”

That COVID-19 vaccine is expensive small o, but I’ll see what I can do.

7. I remain the starboy

“As your elected President, my pledge to you is the same as it has always been; I will play my part fully and without fear or favour.  I invite all of us to do the same”

Buhari has noted that he remains the baddest boy in the hood, and you should support his ambitions, even if you do not believe in him dreams.

Well, he’s been offered a scholarship by the prestigious American Ballet Theater.

With the help of American actresses Viola Davis and Cynthia Erivo, the video garnered 15 million views, ultimately leading to Anthony Madu being offered a scholarship by the ballet theater.

He was also offered a scholarship by Ballet Beyond Borders which will see him train in the United States next year.

Despite some tweets by some users who argued that Madu did not need abroad attention, Twitter users were elated about Anthony’s scholarship offers.

We love to see it when Nigerians win. Congratulations Anthony Madu!

Next, read 6 Ways To Catch The People Owing You Money.

Yeah, we know, hard to believe right? Yet we need to end the year on a positive note, so here are some things that we can say made 2019 tolerable:

1) Peace:

We’re pretty sure many Nigerians expected the country to go to shit after the general elections. Everything seemed to be on a precipice of evil, and everyone was tense about the consequences of the election results. Thankfully, nobody threatened war, and everything is in limbo.

2) Consumption of local produce:

Think what you will about the fact that Nigerian rice is full of stones, but the border closure came as a blessing in disguise. Now our local agriculture is booming even at the expense of our health, who cares about getting appendicitis anyway? Not our inconsiderate government.

3) No natural disaster:

Imagine how horrible it would have been for us if our country had earthquakes, landslides, or hurricanes! Eesh. Thankfully, God had enough sense to keep those away from the nation, he knows that the self-created disaster is more than enough to deal with.

Clearly, everyone would die if we have to rely on Nigerian firefighters, police, paramedics (do we even have those?), or any other rescue team that will be needed in the case of a natural disaster occurring. Y’all know how slow their response is–when they respond.

4) Our artistes getting more international recognition:

Burna Boy got a Grammy Nomination and got interviewed on The Daily Show interview. Davido featured Chris Brown. Tiwa Savage and Yemi Alade got signed to Universal Music. Beyonce featured Wizkid to tell us that black is beautiful in Brown Skin Girl. 

Nigerian artistes got featured on Beyonce’s The Lion King: The Gift album. Wizkid shut down the 02 arena. Need I go on? What a great year it’s been for Nigerian musicians, and the world is paying attention.

5) Philanthropy within despair:

While the Nigerian government was being such a slowpoke about the xenophobic attacks to Nigerians in South Africa, a kind soul decided to take action instead. Many people were pleasantly surprised when Air Peace volunteered to get Nigerians out of South Africa for free.

Isn’t that something? In this Nigeria? Rare indeed.

6) NEPA finally realizing how low we rate them:

They finally gave us a chance to let them know that we don’t care about them and their poor services when they went on strike. Did you even know they were on strike? Most people thought it was their usual game of blackout.

7) Six years tenure was rebuffed by the House of Reps:

Finally, our legislators can do something right! They kicked against the bill that proposed a longer tenure for politicians in this country; it aimed to change the constitution, making each president, governor, senator, and house or rep member serve for 6 years instead of 4.

Like we haven’t suffered enough in this country already.

8) Cardi B in Lagos:

If you weren’t in the mood for December before Cardi B came to Lagos, then seeing her enjoy Lagos like some IJGB’s would have made you want to turn up. Some say she did more for Nigerian tourism than the Ministry of Tourism. What can I say? I agree with them.

9) Jollof Rice:

Y’all know that Nigerian Jollof is the best! It has the right color, taste, and spice. Our Jollof Road team got to taste different Jollof, while on their trip around West Africa, and they agree that Nigerian Jollof is STILL THE BEST.