Anyway, if you played these six football games growing up, show us your marriage certificate.

1. O.G.O

Let me not lie, I can’t remember what O.G.O means anymore. I just know that before the games started, the ball had to bounce three times while everyone shouted the letters, O-G-O with each corresponding bounce. After that, it became free-for-all. No teammates. Dribble everybody. Tackle anybody. Score. And then whoever scored would be the goalkeeper until someone else scored. As chaotic as it was, I actually really liked it.

2. Middle man

God, I hated this one so much. All the kids would gather in a circle and pass the ball around, making sure the kid in the middle couldn’t get their leg on the ball. In some places, once the person in the middle “touched” the ball with any part of their body except their arms, they’d won it, and the person who lost the ball had to step into the middle and strive to touch the ball too. In other places, the person in the middle had to “collect” — to win the ball completely and make a pass to another person in the circle before they were allowed to leave the middle.

Sometimes, we couldn’t decide whose fault it was that the middleman got the ball, so two people would argue (or quarrel) because they didn’t want to be the one in the centre. That’s where people learnt to lie.

3. Kolo beating

This one was just pure evil. Pure, unadulterated evil. It was so evil, we decided to write an entire article about it. If you don’t know about it (or don’t remember — smh, signs of old age), read the article. But spoiler alert, it always ended like this:

4. Monkey post

Monkey post was where all the great finishers in Nigeria were created. How could a football post be so small? The point of monkey post wasn’t the goals though. It was the dribbles. The dirty, nasty dribbles that would leave you wondering why you left your house to come and be disgraced in front of everyone.

ALSO READ: 7 Reasons Why You Are the Cause Of Your Problems

5. One touch

This one wasn’t so competitive. Just simple one-touch passes. If you made more than one touch on the ball, you were out.

6. Four post

There were four goalposts in a rectangle and one man to each post. Score anybody you like. Super fun. Sometimes, they added one-touch to it.

QUIZ: Can We Guess The Football Club You Support?

Songs of Praise songs slapped differently, so on today”s episode of Nostalgia by Zikoko, we bring you your favourite SOP songs.

1. The OG: “All things bright and beautiful…”

We can bet you know this one from A to Z even now. It was just that jam.

2. “There is a green hill far away…”

Was the plan to make us sad at assemblies? Because this song about Jesus’ crucifixion was just a bit too deep.

3. “Lead us heavenly Father, lead us.”

Where this song hits hardest is where it goes, “Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us, for we have no help but thee!” We sang it with so much passion like we could already tell that adulthood was gonna be the ghetto.

4. “Praise him, praise him, praise him, praise him, praise the everlastingggg king.”

Even if you didn’t know any other part of this song, once the chorus came up, you screamed at the top of your lungs. Good times.

5. “For his mercies they endure, ever faithful, ever pure.”

This one sounded like a call and response. The response was for the people that didn’t bring their hymn books to assembly.

6. “Stand up, stand up for — stand up for Jesus!”

This one was a war cry. The boys loved it.

7. “Rock of ages, cleft for me.”

“Let me hiiiiiiiiide myself in thee.” 

Till today, I don”t know what “cleft” means.

8. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.”

They’d ask us to sing this one after preaching salvation. Always hit the spot.

9. “Immortal, invisible God, only wise…”

“Most glorious, most holy, the ancient of days… almighty, victorious, thy great name we praise.”

10. “Come, come and worship”

Come, come and — COME AND WORSHIP, come and — COME AND WORSHIP, come and WORRRRRSHIPPPPPP!

11. “Oh Jesus I have promised to love thee till the end”

Do you still love Jesus?

QUIZ: How Many Primary School Subjects Can You Handle?

Here are six snacks from your childhood that’ll probably kill you (or at least, cause you immense pain as your body struggles to digest and process them).

1. Baba dudu

Remember when you would buy one roll of baba dudu after school and just lick away your sorrows until your jaw starts to ache? Well, those memories better be enough for you, because if you eat baba dudu now, you’re getting a trip to the dentist and/or multiple trips to the toilet.

2. Nutri C/ Eve

Why did our parents let us drink this? That thing could feed a party of 30 people, and we were out here pouring two sachets into our 50cl water bottles. Jesus Christ. The concentration!

3. Goody Goody

Honestly, Goody Goody tasted great. If I could actually find it to buy, I’d have some again. But if adult me eats as much Goody Goody as I did when I was a child, I’d end up in the ER and ICU ASAP. My body would simply disintegrate. And all that sticking to my teeth shit? Not worth it.

4. For some reason, milk (or any dairy products)

Sometimes, I walk up to a mirror and ask myself, “How can your weakness be milk?” It doesn’t make any sense. One moment, you’re drinking milk in your cornflakes as a child, the next, you’re cancelling plans because the yoghurt you had three days before is quite literally kicking your ass. God, please.

5. Telephone Juice

This thing tasted like they rinsed the containers of a factory that made juice and then added gutter water to it. Why did we enjoy it so much?

6. Robo Robo

This thing was M&M’s that never made it out of the hood. Amazing stuff, though. 10/10 would definitely recommend (to an adult trying to get cavities).

QUIZ: If You Can Recognise 10/13 Of These Candies, You Need To See The Dentist

1. Tortoise in the sky

In this story, Tortoise tapped into his inner Nigerian politician and asked for a feather from every bird so that he could make wings to follow them to a feast in the sky he wasn’t invited to. After taking advantage of their kindness, he tricked them by making them change their names for this party. He chose the name “All of you,” which led to this dirty bitch eating all the food and drinks that the party organisers offered to “All of you”. The birds got pissed, collected their feathers, and left him stranded in the clouds. This shameless animal still had the guts to beg one of the birds to bring out all the soft things in his house so he could jump from the cloud. Already over tortoise’s nonsense,the bird brought out the strongest materials in his house for the tortoise to land on. Mr Tortoise jumped and doomed his species to an eternity of cracked shells. 

2. Why the tortoise has a cracked shell

One day, the lizard was carrying his yam home when he came across the tortoise, who asked where he had gotten the yam. The lizard agreed to tell him on the condition that the tortoise kept it a secret. The tortoise promised, so the lizard told him to meet him the next morning and that he would take him to the secret cave.

Early the next morning, before the first cock crowed, the lizard and tortoise set off for the cave. When they arrived, the lizard rolled away the rock, revealing the entrance. The tortoise was amazed. Inside the cave were more yams than even his greedy self could eat.

The lizard took one yam and headed home, but the tortoise was not satisfied. He wanted to take as many yams as he could carry. While he was still greedily gathering yams, the farmer arrived and caught him. By that time, the lizard had already reached home, eaten his yam, and was napping.

The farmer asked the tortoise how he found the cave, and the tortoise quickly blamed the lizard. Furious, the farmer dragged the tortoise to the lizard’s house. There, they found the lizard lying on his back. When the farmer accused him of bringing the tortoise to the cave, the lizard, shocked, denied it, saying he had been lying on his back all day because he was unwell.

In his anger, the farmer threw the tortoise against the wall, shattering his shell. The tortoise cried out to the forest insects, who came to help him gather the pieces and glue them back together. And that’s how the tortoise ended up with a cracked shell.

3. The Tortoise and the Wisdom gourd

One thing about the stories starring Tortoise is how illogical it can be. In this story, Tortoise was distressed because he wanted to be the wisest person in the world. So he gathered all of the world’s wisdom into a gourd, which totally makes sense and took a long trip to the biggest tree he could find so as to hide his new treasure. When he found it, he noticed that his son had been following him. With all the knowledge he had, he didn’t know how he’d be able to climb the tree while holding the gourd. His son told him to put the gourd on his back so he could climb it. He was confused at how smart his son was since he had collected all the wisdom in the world. Realising how foolish his quest was, the tortoise smashed the gourd and went back home. 

4. The tortoise and the dove

In a certain land, the Tortoise and the Dove became good friends. The Dove was a stammerer, so he struggled to speak clearly. They lived and ate together in harmony.

One day, the Tortoise made a law: if you must to eat, you must pronounce your name correctly. When it was time to eat porridge, the tortoise proudly shouted his name, crawled up to the food, and began eating. The poor dove tried to say his name, but all that came out was, “Dodovo, Dod, Dovoo.” He couldn’t say it right, no matter how hard he tried, so the tortoise ate all the food.

The following day, it was the dove’s turn to make a law. His rule was that you must wash your hands without soiling them before eating. The meal was soup. The dove easily washed his hands and flew up to eat. The tortoise, however, could only crawl, and as he moved, he kept soiling his hands. He tried several times but couldn’t do it without getting dirty. Frustrated, the tortoise sat down and cried as the dove finished the soup. After this, they both agreed to stop making selfish rules and lived in peace once again.

5. Tortoise and monkey

Turns out that the tortoise and the monkey used to be friends a long time ago, but one day, the monkey cheated Mr tortoise. Instead of taking accountability for his actions, the monkey laughed in the tortoise’s face and refused to apologize. Tortoise went home and asked his wife to prepare the sweetest bean cakes she’d ever made. When it was ready, Mr Tortoise took it to the Lion and offered some to him. Lion loved it so much, he had to know where he could get some. Tortoise lied that it was made with monkey’s faeces and to get it that sweet, he had to be severely beaten. Lion immediately dashed off to the monkey’s house and demanded that the monkey produce bean cakes. Monkey tried to explain that there must’ve been a misunderstanding but was immediately beaten to a pulp by Lion. Lion eventually realized that he had been a pawn in the tortoise game and leaves. Tortoise, who had watched the whole thing play out, came out from his hiding place to laugh at him. The jungle is tough sha.

6. The tortoise and the princess

In this tortoise story, there was a king with a beautiful daughter who wanted to marry her off so he organised a contest and invited all the eligible men in the land. He ordered his chefs to make the hottest pepper soup and, on the day of the contest revealed that whoever won his daughter’s hand in marriage would be someone who could drink the pepper soup without showing discomfort. All the men and animals tried to drink the pepper soup but could not hold back. When it was Tortoise’s turn, he devised a plan. He told the crowd that he was going to sing a song for the princess and that anytime he drinks from the bowl, they should all collectively hiss. The tortoise then used their loud hiss to cover up his as they enjoyed the song too much to notice. He soon finished the soup, and while the king was sad to hand his beautiful daughter to a tortoise, he had made a vow and could not go back on it. The tortoise should be in jail.

7. Why the Tortoise has a bald head

Turns out that tortoises used to have hair before. Long ago, Mr dog and his family were making porridge yam, like the evil spirit he is, Mr Tortoise somehow smelt and followed the aroma to the dog’s house. Instead of asking for a plate like a sensible person, Tortoise decided to lie that the king had summoned Mr dog and his family, Tortoise promised to safeguard his house while they were away. As soon as they left, he began to eat as much as he could, knowing that they would hurry back as soon as they realized that the king wasn’t even around. He heard them approaching and decided to take some porridge home for his family but he had nothing to put it in, he got the brilliant idea to stuff the porridge in his hat and wear it. Mr dog came back and was so annoyed that Tortoise had wasted his time and they argued for a bit when all the tortoise wanted to do was rush home. The pain eventually got too much for the tortoise to bear, so he removed his hat and the porridge along with his hair fell out to everyone’s dismay. That’s why Tortoises are bald. 

8. The tortoise and the magic drum

Once upon a time, a king owned a magical drum that could summon a feast whenever it was beaten. The king generously shared his wealth with the entire kingdom, making sure everyone—from antelopes to farmers, milkmaids to elephants, bakers to babies—was happy and content. In this way, the land remained peaceful, and there was never any fighting.

However, the magic of the drum came with one condition: the owner must never step on a fallen branch. If he did, the juju would disappear, and the drum would bring trouble.

One day, Tortoise, who had grown tired of his endless work collecting nuts for his family, began to envy the king. As he worked in a tree, one of his nuts fell to the ground, where a woman happened to pick it up and eat it.

“You ate my palm nut!” Tortoise cried.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was yours,” she replied.

This gave Tortoise an idea. “I work hard every day, and now you’ve stolen my family’s food. I must report you to the king.”

The woman, who was the king’s wife, offered to escort Tortoise to the palace to resolve the issue. When they arrived, Tortoise reported the theft. The generous king said, “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. Please, take whatever you like from the palace to make up for it.”

Tortoise wandered through the palace, eyeing the treasures, until he came upon the drum. “I’ll take that drum,” he declared. True to his word, the king gave Tortoise the drum but didn’t tell him about its magical secret. Tortoise hurried home, excitedly telling his family, “We’re rich!” He beat the drum, and a magnificent feast appeared. For months, the family did nothing but eat. Tortoise stopped working, grew fat, and became boastful, showing off his newfound wealth.

One day, as he walked around bragging, Tortoise tripped over a stick. Later, when he tried to use the drum again, instead of a feast, enemies poured into his house and attacked him, shouting, “We’ll make war on you forever!”Terrified, Tortoise gathered his family and fled to the riverbank, where they’ve lived ever since, surviving on fallen fruits, slugs, millipedes, snails, and worms.

No one knows where the magical drum went. But everyone still searches for it, dreaming of a world where peace reigns.

9. The tortoise and hippopotamus 

Many years ago, the hippopotamus, named Isantim, was a powerful king, second only to the elephant. He had seven large, fat wives whom he cherished dearly. Occasionally, Hippo would host grand feasts, but there was a mystery—no one, apart from his wives, knew his name.

At one such feast, just as the people were about to eat, Isantim declared, “You have come to dine, but none of you know my name. If you cannot guess it, you’ll all leave without your meal.”

Since no one could guess, they had to leave, leaving behind all the delicious food and palm wine. But before they went, Tortoise stood up and asked Hippo what he would do if his name was revealed at the next feast. Isantim, confident no one could guess his name, replied, “If you tell my name, I and my whole family will leave the land and live in the water forever.”

Now, every morning and evening, Hippo and his wives went to the river to bathe and drink, a routine Tortoise knew well. Hippo always led the way, followed by his wives. One day, when they went to bathe, Tortoise dug a small hole in their path and hid nearby, leaving part of his shell exposed.

As the hippo wives returned from the river, two of them lagged behind. One of them stubbed her foot on Tortoise’s shell and cried out, “Oh, Isantim, my husband, I’ve hurt my foot!”

Hearing this, Tortoise was thrilled. He had discovered Hippo’s name and rushed home, eager for the next feast. At the next feast, Hippo repeated his challenge about his name. Tortoise stood up and asked, “You promise you won’t harm me if I reveal your name?” Hippo promised, and Tortoise shouted, “Your name is Isantim!”

The people cheered, and they all sat down to eat. True to his word, Hippo, with his seven wives, moved to the river and has lived in the water ever since. Though they come ashore to feed at night, you’ll never find a hippo on land during the day.

10. Tortoise and Yannibo

Several years ago, Tortoise and his wife, Yannibo, struggled to have children. Despite all their efforts, they remained childless, and frustration began to set in.

Desperate for a solution, Tortoise visited a herbalist to seek help. After listening to his story, the herbalist prepared a special concoction for Yannibo. It was made from mushrooms, bushmeat, and fish stew, and it smelled delicious. However, the herbalist warned Tortoise several times not to taste the concoction, as it was meant solely for his wife. Tortoise thanked him and placed the calabash containing the mixture in his bag.

On his way home, the aroma of the concoction became overwhelming. Tortoise tried to resist, but his greed and love for food got the better of him. Unable to control himself, he sat under a tree, took out the calabash, and defied the herbalist’s instructions by eating the entire concoction, leaving none for his wife.

As Tortoise stood to leave, he felt strange movements in his stomach. Suddenly, his belly began to swell—he was pregnant.

Panicking, Tortoise realised he couldn’t return home to his wife after what he’d done, and he was too ashamed to go back to the herbalist. In despair, he began to cry, but then an idea struck him. He decided to return to the herbalist, explaining what had happened through a song.

When Yannibo heard the song, she became furious, realising what her husband had done. The concoction, meant to help her conceive, had instead affected Tortoise. The herbalist was equally enraged and kept shouting, “Didn’t I tell you not to drink the soup? Didn’t I warn you?”

In great pain and regret, Tortoise eventually died a few hours later in Yannibo’s arms.

Enjoyed these tortoise stories? Read this next: 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article just for you.

1. The advertisement’s a week before

Every brand that lives on God’s green earth would do what I like to call the battle of brands, dishing out heartwarming adverts so we could all beg our parents to buy us things we’d hate an hour later. How else would you know children’s day was close?

2. The parties

You either went to a party hosted by a television station, a bank, a restaurant, an amusement park or that one family friends mom that has plenty of money and the party? Capri-sun, those weird erasers that don’t work, surprise pack. Those were the days, with the bouncing castles and rides.

3. The parades

I was and will always be against marching for no reason but people seemed to enjoy marching at the national stadium and there were gifts there too.

4. The party food

The Jollof, with big pieces of chicken and hot drinks, always slapped better when we knew we were being celebrated. Some things just feel sacred

5. The party games

We were allowed to lose our home training only on the dance floor. Is it ridiculous to dancing Shakira’s hips don’t lie in a ball gown? Yes, but that was not the point. If you won, who gon’ check you? The dance around the chair game mostly ended in tears and the one where you’d have to bring out the person that brought you to the party to dance, take me back.

6. The gear

Nice shoes and clothes if your parents were about that life, wristwatches that didn’t work after that day and the sunglasses, don’t forget the sunglasses.

7. The do-over party

Churches and mosques would still celebrate the kids again when they went to church or the mosque. Man what a time we had during children’s day.

1. The roommate that does not understand privacy

You have been telling Cynthia about how bae is coming over for some private time since the beginning of the week. The day finally arrives and that is when Cynthia remembers to start cooking beans. You try giving her signs, but this is Cynthia

2. When all the course mates are monitoring spirits

One day, you decided to not sit beside bae, and they are asking you if you broke up. Ogbeni, do not let the devil use you!

3. It is worse when the lecturers are in on it too

They ask bae a question and they cannot answer? that is where you come in. Both of you cannot answer?

4. Spending money on dates

The last money in your account is meant for course material, but babe has been craving pizza and shawarma for a while now.

Course is temporary, but faaji is forever

5. Weekend classes

Why is it always during weekend gateaway time that Professor Azeez remembers he wants to set test, practical, and exam part 1?

6. Class schedules

If you and bae are not in the same department and level, seeing them might be very difficult. Some cases, both of you only run into each other shuttling classes looking like different variations of this:

7. When the semester finally ends and everyone has to go home

You are stressed because bae lives in Lagos and you in Edo state. Even if you lived in the same state, your mother will not allow you go out at night.

If you struggle or have struggled with any of these, we understand your frustration, and we are putting you in our prayers

Now, imagine they all had Nigerian parents that stopped that innate stupidity before it manifested, either through rigorous prayer sessions or the strike of an eba stick. Well, let’s just say all our favourite Disney movies would be virtually non-existent.

1. Merida (Brave)

Merida vehemently refused to get married, used witchcraft to turn her mother into an animal, and then nearly killed her. Granted, it was mostly accidental, but when did actual intention ever matter?

It’s safe to say that if her parents were Nigerian, Merida would either be dead or in the village with her grandmother fixing her life.

2. Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

Anyone with Nigerian parents would know better than to take anything, not to mention food from a stranger; much less a stranger who looks like this:

I mean, a Nigerian mother would teach you that before she even starts teaching you how to speak.

3. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

In retrospect, King Tritan was way too soft on Ariel. How many Nigerian fathers would let their fifteen-year-old daughter sneak out with friends at night? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Ariel wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to see Eric, not to talk of selling her soul so she could go on a date with him. Like, HOW?

4. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

Maleficent, the King’s ex, actually gatecrashed Aurora’s naming ceremony to come and place a curse on her. Like, WOW!

Nope. Nah. Uhn-Uhn. A Nigerian mother would have dragged her out of that Owambe by her horns, and then proceeded to stab her with them.

5. Pocahontas (Pocahontas)

Do you remember when John Smith told Pocahontas “we improve the lives of savages…” Lmao! My God!

It already takes a small army to get a Nigerian parent on board with who you like, then imagine he is a foreigner that says stupid shit like that. You can be sure that love is already invalid.

6. Anna (Frozen)

Anna, one of the most recent Disney princesses we were introduced to, sang a love song and got engaged to the first man she met, on the first day she met him.

If any of our favourite Disney Princesses needed the classic (and thoroughly effective) Nigerian mother side-eye, it was certainly her.

1. The tweet about Sugar Daddies.

My friends and I could quite easily have acquired sugar daddies while in Lagos but we did not want to spend your school fees

— Jola (@Jollz) September 17, 2015

2. The tweet about Lagos traffic.

https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/650020557203881984

3. The tweet about having an ugly bae.

Your ugly bae cheats on you and you are just like "Edakun see somebody I was pitying o" pic.twitter.com/2IfL1fLTrG

— The Goddess (@Brendalishus) September 7, 2015

4. The tweet about NEPA.

Nigerian version of "make hay while the sun shines" is "iron your clothes immediately nepa brings light"

— weird fish (@Sick_Sage) August 16, 2014

5. The tweet about Bella Naija weddings.

Bella Naija will have you thinking your gonna marry one oil tycoon, when it's really Yemi from marketing.

— Fola (@Fola89_) August 13, 2015

6. The tweet about kidnappers.

Kidnappers hand me phone to speak to parents..

Mum: Hello..
Me: Mummy?
Mum: Why didn't you wash your plates before you left this morning?

— Lawrence (@iKillCuriosity) July 11, 2015

7. The tweet about the pain of childbirth.

https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/608890142762393600

8. The tweet about puff puff.

When Puff Puff goes to an Ivy League school and gets a job with Bill Gates pic.twitter.com/8CpJtV2fee

— Tobi (@TheTobiSmith) August 14, 2015

9. The tweet about superstitions.

Nigerians so superstitious. Cabs will refuse to stop just cos you're wearing all black, and it's night, and you're carrying a cutlass…

— weird fish (@Sick_Sage) February 3, 2015

10. The tweet about Nigerian mothers.

https://twitter.com/TheAdenike/status/560511821497761792

11. The tweet about getting married.

I can't stand these grown men thinking they're too young for marriage, smh Adam was only 7 days old when he married Eve

— Old Miami (@flyChy) January 7, 2015

12. The tweet about wedding aso-ebi.

300k asoebi means I've bought shares in your marriage. I'll be expecting quarterly reports.

— This Ken is manic. (@TheBlackHermit) October 24, 2014

13. The tweet about shopping.

When you ask how much something is and it's expensive you pretend you're interested even though spiritually you're already on the bus home

— Stef (@FLOTUK) December 24, 2014

14. The tweet about Instagram chefs.

Instagram chefs won't just say Eba and okra, they be like parboiled cassava grains with finesse chopped okra and bells peppers.

— consigliere ³⁵ (@moyodre) October 16, 2014

15. The tweet about marine spirits.

When she's almost taken you into her marine kingdom & the spirit of God suddenly descends on you. pic.twitter.com/I4tReQQwT8

— É (@Ebuka__N) September 30, 2014

16. The tweet about bad breakups.

When you're trying to forget a bad relationship and ya teacher tells you to find x pic.twitter.com/nXWrfmZwoL

— Shakabula (@muna_nz) September 22, 2014

17. The tweet about meat.

When you go back to naija after your Masters and the house girl still serves you 2 pieces of meat pic.twitter.com/3HbmjcoHZy

— consigliere ³⁵ (@moyodre) August 8, 2014

18. The tweet about Nigerian customer service.

I hope those Nigerians in customer service know that when their prayers reach Heaven, they also meet attendants gisting and watching Afmag.

— Wale Lawal (@WalleLawal) December 10, 2014

19. The tweet about job Interviews.

Me: I'm Nigerian
White interviewer: Ohhh
Me: plis dun do it
White interviewer: Yuno my father volunteered in Keny…
Me: oh mah god

— mummy’s boy (@_gflex) October 10, 2015

20. The tweet about soup.

Everytime Breastmilk… u no de cook soup?????? pic.twitter.com/vTTAcrvsax

— . (@Olajvde) July 23, 2015

21. The tweet about the Choc boys.

Imagine watching the choc boys on a 3D Samsung TV.

You'll see HD ice prince.

You'l see HD Jesse Jags.

You'l see HDMI.

— Baby Shaynee (@Quickiepaedia) June 14, 2015

22. The tweet about candy crush.

Oh Hi Bunmi who refused to kiss me during command in JSS1. Now sending me candy crush requests on facebook. How the mighty have fallen.

— Leo Dasilva (@SirLeoBDasilva) September 22, 2015

23. The tweet about Nigerian driving instructors.

Nigerian driving instructor: "Oya Come, Come"
"Oya CUT YOUR HAND, CUT YOUR HAND"
"CUT IT FULL"
Me: pic.twitter.com/eur8ITjpKL

— People Displeaser. (@Dotun__A) July 17, 2015

1. It will be soliloquy for a long time.

Your first tweets will basically be you just talking to yourself. No likes, no comments, no retweets. Just you, yourself and your tweets chilling on your timeline like losers no one wants to hang out with.

2. Then you post your first hot picture and you realize that people actually see your tweets.

But they are just not interested in reading and engaging with you your smart logic, big English and 50 followers. They only want to see fine pishure.

3. You witness your first drag fest.

And then for the first time you have a front row seat at a twitter drag fest complete with savage punchlines, and damning screenshots. You watch as they literally skin the subject alive and even proceed to grind the bones.

4. You collect your first savage clap back. 

And you are like why are you people so angry and rude? Who hurt you? For some people this marks the end of their tweeting careers, for others it gives them the ginger they need.

5. Then you hit your first popular tweet.

The tweet that finally garners beautiful likes, sweet retweets and lovely comments. And you go back to that tweet every 5 minutes to tell yourself- Yassss, I have arrived. Until another savage clap back jams you.

1. They are always misplacing their children.

Case in point: Mara and Clara. The story of twins misplaced at birth who later meet somehow in the future with one twin being rich and the other being poor. Like how?

2. Or they lost their memory.

These people have romanticed memory loss and amnesia. Talmabout; Where am I? Who am i? You’re on earth child. You finish watching an episode and suddenly feel like after mascara the next thing you need to apply is some memory loss.

2. There is always the rich boy poor girl dynamic.

Can’t two rich people fall in love? And can’t two poor people fall in love? Is love now an economic statement? Do we need to start a twitter call out fest before you people realize that poor people can fall in love too?

3. Then someone always does a perfect plastic surgery to become someone else to confuse both the audience and characters.

This caption is actually your best shot at understanding what goes on there.

4. The Lip syncing.

Yes, we can tell the actors are speaking in a language that is not English.

5. The only thing everybody is always interested in is falling in love.

Which makes me wonder if the government sponsors their existence and pays for all the fine clothes they are always rocking.

6. Too many plot twists.

First he died, then he wasn’t really dead, then he started living elsewhere and fell in love afresh, then he died again, then he went back to his first love. One person o. You miss one episode and everything just falls apart.